I have some thoughts that I'd like to share and hope that it resonates with someone...anyone really. I started this as a written journal in early 2012 as a way to release the negative emotions, the demons if you will, that have been heavily weighing me down for as long as I can remember. I thought I wanted to die but in truth, I wanted to live and be happy AND I thought I couldn't attain that so the next best thing is to end it all...incorrect, I know, but that's what I thought.
Through the years, I've learned a lot about my own mind and what some of the real issues are that plague me. One thing that has never changed is the nature of wanting to be a helper to people.
I've always had a go between nature that has guided my choices in friends and things I do. I haveconstantly tried to help the left out, the castaways, the black sheep. I even relate to peace making characters in tv shows, movies or books; for example, Benvolio from Romeo and Juliet (I read the book years before Leonardo made it popular so...extra credit for me) and Bull Shannon from Night Court (see my previous entry about characters I want to be like for a full description).
Those characters and a plethora of others are my favorites because they could pick one side but they feel the need to see things from both perspectives and try to help bridge gaps in enemies and I try my best to build bridges in everyday life ina bunch of ways.
I have a few examples of everyday bridge building that show my perspective.
I was working as a cashier andf a customer was not paying attention, an old woman's items came to a certain amount (I forge the exact amount so I'm making it up) it came to $12.83 and she would not look at me or respond to anything I said, things like, "Hello, how are you today?" or "Do you have a savings card with us?"
So I told her the price and did my best to not sound angry when telling her the price of her stuff and waited for her to pay. She began rummaging through her change and I put my hand right next to her purse, clearly waiting for her to put the coins in my hand. My hand was directly under her hands and she moved away from my hands and rudely dropped the change on the counter, causing me to have imaginations of committing Looney Tune type voilence to her self. And mind you my imagination is very vivid so I was supressing it as much as humanly possible.
Now I could have yelled at her, ignored it or done something back like wait for her to pick it up but I decided to take a second and restrain my mouth from yelling. Then I calmly said to her,"Ya know, when you throw change on the counter like that, cashiers take it as an insult. If you didn't do that, they would appreciate it very much." (again, my memory of the exact words are foggy but it was very similar to this) and she looked at me (for the first time in this entire exchange) and gave me a shocked look, as if I told her I ran over her newborn grandson and finished paying.
Now I'm sure I should have ignored that but in my mind I was trying to explain in a calm manner to her that the act she performed was not the best way she could do that and a way to build a bridge between her and all cashiers. I truly meant all of that with positivity and care for her even though she complained to my manager.
Numerous times I have talked to people who have the appearance of seeming uneasy with me in a open way that shows them I see them as people and not just another customer. I try to make my words personal when I talk to people, making sure to listen and be aware of what others are doing or going through, it often benefits everyone involved.
Another giant example of me trying to put this peace maker thing into rpactice in my life is when I come across anyone in service of our country. When I see a police officer, a fire fighter or anyone who is or was in the service (when I know it, of course) I make sure to thank them for their service and tell them I appreciate what they do. That has shown to be a great decision, sometimes they say thank you and go about their business but sometimes they smile, thank me and look honored to be recognized. Those 
situations are worth every effort and they build a relationshiop between society and those people who may not specifically put their life on the line at any point butjust committing to do the job they do, that alone risks their life.
All of these examples ar emy way of showing that the gift I have is being a peace maker at heart, it's something that makes me feel like I am useful here on earth when I see it working somehow.
It makes me feel like I am here for a reason when I'm in one of those situations where I'm able to help someone who looks or feels left out or build some bridge with someone somehow.
Anyway, my point with all of this is that I have a place on earth and right now with me transitioning, I feel even more confident that I have a place wher I can not only be a peace maker but I can use my situation and my experience in church and with God to show transgendered people that theyr're people too even though they go through a lot of negative stuff.
Being a trans person who is about to start my new journey, who is right leaning politically, who has been through as much as I've been through and who believes in God and Chritianity I feel there is a bridge that NEEDS to be built between anyone in the larger circles I'm starting to join or associate with and the church.
I'm starting to feel like there is a reason for me here, finally. If indeed God has led me to this point in my life, I see why a lot of things didn't go the way I thought i wanted them to go throughout my life. And I am okay with a lot of those things, those things I saw as failure makes sense more now than ever before.
No comments:
Post a Comment