Both Sides of Misgendering

     I want to talk about misgendering and how we as trans people should deal with that.

     I have come out as trans about 2 years ago but have been trans all of my life so my experiences (while I acknowledge I have rose tinted glasses at times) are not minimal at all. I've known I was different since I was very young, maybe 3 or 4. I'll take this in parts, the positive and the negative.

     So  starting with the negative aspect of misgendering:

People often make fun of someone complaining about being misgendered, they treat it like they just made a tiny mistake and it may have only been once or they say they're only one person so get over it. Those people are right in the sense that they may have done it only once or that person is only one person but they do not understand that the person they misgendered most likely has been dealing with feeling and thinking like the opposite sex since a very young age and the grating factor of being called something they grew to hate gets to feel like torture.

While it is true that they are feelings and that act (even if it was said on purpose) is not violence, there are plenty of things that happen to us over time that become instant rage buttons. Imagine a boss who talks down to you whenever they see you; now imagine they see you only for an hour a day throughout the day and only for 5 days a week.

That's not so bad, you get through it in small doses, you focus on the people in your life that matter and deal with it...right? Yeah well, a few months of that and you start fighting back the urge to pick up a school bus and play batter up with that boss' head. Then longer than that and you have to fight back gritting your teeth when that boss talks.

THEN when that boss calls you out for not being respectful...you imagine ripping their eyes out, making boss swallow them and then shoving boss into a meat grinder slowly...amirite? If you've worked with a boss who is anything like this, you know that rage.

That is a close ans smaller idea of how it feels to be misgendered for a long time and a little look into why some people blow up even when it's a mistake. They have been dealing with it for a lot longer than you know.

     They also most likely HATE being grouped in with the gender you called them. I personally have learned how to not get angry and be gracious when complimented in a masculine way but it's not easy for anyone to just accept that over a long period of time.


     Now there is another side of this that trans people should understand and take to heart:

We are asking people to change their beliefs or lives or speech because of a choice we make (transitioning, not being trans) and that is NOT a right or something we should demand of others. If a person walks by me when I eventually transition and identify as a female, I will not expect them to call me anything specific. If they call me a man or dude, they potentially just don't know about my personal situation or they might not agree with my decision...or, and this is likely...they could just be rude/selfish.

I've met a lot of people  as a cashier that don't even notice that I'm human. And as much as I want to thunk their heads on the counter and yell that I'm a human and it's rude to be rude,  need to understand that they are in their world just like I'm in mine.

I have no idea what they're going through or how busy they are. They could have anxiety or they could just have been focusing on something so much that they forgot to form the words they mean to. I've done that so much in my life, I've thought responses and not actually said them, how can I get angry at everyone who doesn't do what I am guilty of too at times?

     Overall, our choices are not more important than other people's lives. If others choose to respect our identity the way we want to associate than they should be respected back and appreciated, the other people don't deserve violence or hatred or anything really. They don't deserve disrespect even, they deserve nothing. Ignorance is worse than hate and the best way to get back at someone who is trying to make you angry is to not be angry. That's how to win against internet trolls too, by the way. Don't let them make you angry by expecting them to say the worst and don't fall for it.

     Ok to wrap this entry up, I want everyone to understand where everyone else is and try to have respect for the other. It's always better and smarter to find a respect for someone else, even people who don't deserve it, in order to find a way to build a bridge some time in our lives.

I'm not advocating letting people abuse you but in regular situations and random little moments, we can both try a little and work together. Thank you for reading and please feel free to share my blog.