Help

       For many of us in society, opening up about needing help is not only hard to do but it's not even an option. We always feel like it's a shame upon our names to say, "I am not okay and I need help." Like it's a sign of immaturity to not be able to handle some of the very scary or impenetrable obstacles we face in life. 

Phrases like "Man up" or "Pull yourself up by the boot straps" are thrown around in a way that says you're wrong if you can't do it all yourself. It's seen as a weakness if someone can't take care of everything thrown at them and they're looked down on or in some cases, they feel like that's happening even if it's not.

     I recently had to be told that I need to reach out for help and while I know I need help, I get caught up in thinking, "If I ask for help, I'm gonna be an even bigger loser than I already am." Which is a part of why I need the help I need. 

     I don't say this because I ever lie on here but to express that I'm about to be more blunt about something, can I be real for a moment? Okay I will, thanks.

I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I also get so overwhelmed by work or things I have to do or by the fact that I am so far behind in life or by migraines (which lately I've been getting almost daily) or by the fact that I am a slow learner or by the fact that sometimes I can't do simple things because of anxiety. All of these thoughts and more have attacked me very hard in the past and even as recent as today (Monday September 25th 2017 in case you're reading this in the future). I also have trouble believing God is on my side (I believe and have seen the effects of God in most of my friends' lives so it's not like He doesn't exist)

     I'm saying all this because I want to be open with my vulnerabilities and say openly that I need help, I don't think for a second that I am too good to ask for help. I need prayers, I need companionship, I need dinner sometimes, I need to be told I'm wrong sometimes, I need to be right sometimes, I need confidence, I need love, I need...etc.

We often guard ourselves so much, we try so hard to hide the vulnerable spots in our lives and souls but what does that really do? What does it help to act like we're great when we truly need to be fed or loved or...we just need help? I have learned to shed some of that culture and let my vulnerable heart be known but I still sometimes need to be told it's okay to seek help. 

     Let's all try to be honest more than we try to look like we're doing better than we are.