Awkward level: Expert

     Please tell me you remember Steve Urkel. You what??! You don't? Are you calling me old? Ok...yeah, I guess you have a point. Ok so Steve Urkel was a character in a 90's sit-com called Family Matters. You have probably heard the theme song from another one of your old friends (yes, we're friends now and no you can't opt out. Friends are forever)
So this show is based on a good family (the Winslows) and their wacky clumsy neighbor, a young Stephen Urkel, who is a scientist and ruins pretty much everything he touched (except when the writers needed him to do things like...be a scientist)

He comes over all the time without knocking, because neighbors in the 90's were that close, and he was madly in love with the Winslow daughter Laura. Urkel was a lovable loser and he played very well off of his counter part family, mainly the father Carl.

He would come over and the family would be working on a house of cards, slowly standing them up and clearly it took them many hours to work on. Steve would walk in and knock over a broom which would hit the chair at the table housing the elaborate card building...and can you guess what happens next?

Yup, you're right. Carl tries to stop the chair, bumps into Laura and she lands face fist into a pie (there was always a pie for someone's face to end p in) and when the crowd stopped laughing, the house of cards would topple and Urkel would give his famous line, "Ask not what you can do for..." Oh, wait...wrong quote. No, he'd say, "Did I do that?"

The reason I'm bringing all this up is to explain how I see myself a majority of my life. I am quite adept at making the worst of a mistake and creating big problems for anyone close to me at the time.
I don't mean exactly the way Urkel did, he would comically bump into something or drop something and the show would turn into a living Mouse trap game. This hits that and that knocks over a thing, which falls on [insert item that is meant to be protected]

I have had my moments like that but overall, I'm more of the person who says the worst thing at thew worst time or that person that loses or breaks the ONE thing I need at the one moment I need it most and if I were on a sit-com, there would be a moment where I look at the camera and say some silly phrase while waiting for a crowd to laugh and clap. And what makes things worse is I have times where I can see it coming, I can recognize when I'm in the middle of saying or doing something that I'm going to majorly regret. In my mind I'm screaming,

"STOP! STOP NOW! Ok. stop now...You...you didn't stop. 

Why didn't you...Oh and now you're still going?! 

Why would you still go?! What could you...oh boy...you just made it worse. 

You couldn't possibly make it...wow...you. just. made. it. worse."

I can sometimes see that I'm about to ruin things and I could do one of two things: I could keep going and hope it doesn't go as bad as it could (hint: It ALWAYS goes worse than the worst I imagined it could go) Or I could try to do the opposite or change what I'm doing at least a little. And I've heard that going with your first instinct is usually better than trying to overcompensate so I try to steer the ship out of the way of damage.

I am convinced that even when I try to do the opposite of the wrong decision, I make that choice at the wrong times...George
Costanza's theory fails me.

And as comical as some of this can be or even harmless overall, it drives me mad when I know what I'm going to say is going to be the wrong thing.

You want an example? Like from a tv show? Oh from my life? I can give you one that was hilarious afterwards and barely anyone caught it but I still remember it like it happened yesterday. And I still get embarrassed and laugh most of the time about it.

So the scene is at my church, I was in charge of the morning adult Sunday school service (not like a pastor, kinda the pre service service) I led our tiny group in songs and maybe brought up a verse or something like that.

Well the end came and in my mind I smoothly finished it by saying, "Thanks for coming and you can all circumvent to wherever you are going." then I smiled and everyone clapped and gave me a standing ovation. And then they threw roses at me and asked me to give a speech on how great it is to be me.

Now here's how it happened outside the awkward playground that is my mind. My mouth opened, words started falling weirdly out and they sounded like this, " Ok everyone, thanks for you coming. You may all circumcise to your rooms..."

You may laugh, you may make fun of me (as if me not giving you permission would stop you) but know that I will laugh harder and make fun of me harder than you ever could. I was also soooo much more embarrassed at that moment when I realized one girl heard that and had to walk out of the room quick before bursting out in laughter.

That's the kinda funny thing I refer to when I talk about saying the wrong things at the wrong times. I'm not only good at it, I'm at expert level saying/doing the wrong things at the wrong times.

I hope this made someone laugh or relate in some way...good luck to us all.