I deserve

I deserve to be in pain.

   I used to think I was cursed, like God put some cloak of bad luck and misery on my shoulders. An unmerited gift that I didn't cause.

I learned today that God knew I would show my true evil and that everything I've ever felt is deserved. I am not only the curse, but I destroy every life I touch even those I care about the most.

Anna because I ruin everyone and everything, my punishment is to live with the knowledge that there are families hurt by my existence, there are heroes who I only wanted to support...who are worse because of me.

I used to blame God for a lot of this but it was never God, it's always been me. From the moment I was born, I made this world a worse, darker, more evil place. And I rightfully take full responsibility.

There's someone out there who's the embodiment of good, innocent and strong, who makes the entire world a great place just buy their existence. I'm the opposite, just by existing I make everything worse. People who will never interact with me will face darkness because I exist.

And because of this, I deserve to live with this knowledge. I deserve to live out the rest of my long life feeling this agony every minute of every day. I deserve to watch those who escape me doing better.

It is only just that I feel it burn inside my soul and inside my bones and eat me alive slowly as I lose everything and everyone. I deserve to be buried by the misery of anyone who I hurt or destroy. And God knew this before, so I was wrong. God is good and I am the curse.