I'm laying here in bed, thinking about the past year. Every step of the way I wanted to do right and be a help and make the world better for my friends, especially one family...but I did the exact opposite. I hurt them and made them worse.
I pushed myself into their personal lives and came between them and said things that hurt their feelings without realizing it. The whole time I've been telling them over and over that I want to help families stay together, be stronger and be the family they're trying to be. That's been the most important thing to me.
And while nothing inappropriate was ever talked about or happened anywhere, I took up to much of the wife's time, I said things that their daughter (a cancer warrior who is one of the greatest people I've ever met) heard and was hurt by and I tried to inject myself into their lives overall in a way that I never would have.
I've spent the last maybe 15 hours punishing myself, I thought over and over about what it means to call myself an advocate and what it means to 'fight' for families. I don't deserve to use those terms referring to myself. I broke bonds that may never be healed ever again, not only possibly with them but in me.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to open up with anyone ever again, it took me decades to find someone I thought of as a sister, someone I felt like I could talk to about anything and actually feel comfortable with. I treated their kids like my own family, that's sweet to care so much but it was not my place. I'm not one of them and i have no faith that I'll ever have a place I fit in or belong.
Make no mistake, my sadness and regret isn't for myself. I hurt a family of superheroes. They are the victims and they deserve all the respect, focus and live. I deserve nothing. And I have to live with this for the rest of my days, knowing that my actions nearly destroyed one of the greatest families I've ever known.
Where do I go from here? Honestly I feel like slowly disappearing from their entire community until they all completely forget about me and ending myself, when my life (or lack thereof) wouldn't hit close to home with them. But I also feel like the punishment for my actions deserves to be living with this, knowing I intentionally almost broke a family that is going to change the entire world. Knowing I lost the greatest people as friends and feeling that burn my soul from the inside out as I sit alone and watch it from afar.
No matter what happens to me from here on, I have to and will live with the fact that I knew superheroes and I never get to have the bond with them that I wished I had.
In case by any chance they're reading this, everything is dedicated to the S family. I am so so sorry. Those words aren't nearly enough but I need to say them. I will never ever put you or any other family in this kind of situation ever again. I don't know what my promise is worth so I won't use that, I'll just do my best to repay this to the entire world, I'll never ever stop supporting you all or caring about your family...even if it's from a distance, and with no communication. I'm sorry.
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