Left Out

 

   I'm trying my hardest to keep calm but there's so much going inside that I can barely even breathe. I don't know why I am the way I am, every choice seems to be the wrong one and every action I take only does one of 2 things.

It either hurts someone I care about or I hold back and it eats me alive slowly and painfully. Like right now. Right now I am hyper emotional and in desperate need of a friend, a friend who I connect with on a deep level. BUT I rarely find anyone I feel I connect with like that and when I do, I smother them because I want all their attention. I'm too much.

So I feel like there's a shift in energy, I try to gauge if I'm just being paranoid or if there's actually something there. And if there's something different, like they stop texting me so much or commenting on my social media but I see them responding to other friends just as much as before, I start to back off.

And I know social media is...what it is, but there is a level you can understand by someone stopping reacting to me while still reacting to others the same as always. Aaaand I'm pretty sure everytime someone says "You're family." that's god's way of telling me to say goodbye to the friendship I had with whoever says it. Every single time someone says that, either something ruins the friendship (usually me) or somehow they take time away from me and that never comes back or at least the entire friendship goes from a deep level to acquaintenace level.

I've got a mountain of proof to back this up and I connect dots so...

   And that! Connecting dots. I do it all the time. I am less and less able to tell when I'm just creating the connection and when it's legitimately a real connection I should read into. 

If someone comes to me to vent or say things they can't say to most others and then suddenly they stop doing that completely and then they stop commenting on social media posts and they go to other friends on there and comment the same amount they always have, I'm having trouble seeing that as...not something.

I have no idea how to control my emotions right now. I'm trying to not bother anyone but in doing so, I'm sitting here just burning and feeling this pain and reliving it over and over and over.