February 2018 Updates and Thoughts from Layla Lee

     One week. It's been one week so far on hormones and I feel no different than I did seven days ago. Should I?
-Don't I need to?
-Is something wrong with me for not feeling anything?
-Aren't I supposed to feel different?

     I know the answers but these are a few questions running through my head about every 23 seconds all week. I'm not overly upset or emotional or even anxious, I oddly feel calm and not as stressed as I thought I would feel and that's kinda nice since the last like 2 years have been like going expecting to go into a kittens bedroom and entering to find out it's a starving  giant poisonous snake's lair.

Each morning I've woken up and excitedly taken my pill and looked at my face or body and thought, 

"Okay...you can magically completely 

change now...no? Oh...okay...on to work." 

then I have been doing my best to forget about that and go about my day. And of course every day this week has brought insane amounts of stress for one reason or another and that's not even close to stopping anytime soon. 

     I'd like to focus on some of the things that went on in my head this week and what's new or not new in my psyche.

One great thing is I have not had a single suicidal thought or fantasy this week. I hate when I walk by
a train or see something that could end my life and picture in my head how it would play out, it's something I can't control in a way and something that can hurt or can be ignored depending on how I'm feeling at the time.

There are times when I will imagine something and it's just a passing thought, it could be anything from sexual to suicidal to silly and those kinda pass by and are forgotten about in a minute if I don't focus on them. (By the way, I don't see things or hear things or have any schizophrenic problems here, I'm just talking about
random thoughts) Then there are the thoughts that seem to kinda try to entice me, again not schizophrenic but definitely strong thoughts that try to convince me of something.


As a society, we often think things like, "you're not good enough." or something negative and it seems to be trying to convince us to give up whatever we're doing or to fail in some way. The good thing is I have not had even one of the attempted influential imaginations all week, before this week I was in a very low place and continually thought like what would happen if  fell onto train tracks or had some accident that left me dead.

     Another thing that this week has brought was some openness in my transition. First, I talked to my boss and told her I'm ready to use my new name and start living as Layla and asked for a new name tag. That was scary and I wasn't sure how to start the conversation but my boss was more than understanding and told me I'll get a new one soon. She also made it clear that while this is kinda new to her and probably the store as a whole, we're gonna handle the situation with care and patience.

     And the second thing was I posted this blog on my original facebook account and made it public to everyone there. Everyone. As one of my best friends put it, "There's no turning back now." I'm a little nervous about putting some friends in an uncomfortable place but I'm also really excited to take my masks off and embrace my vulnerable open self. Very few people now can say I'm lying or I'm fake or anything like that. That's something that will be a weakness for a little while because it's not comfortable bearing one's soul at first but in time, I know this is going to be a strength. 

Lastly, I want to say I've seen great friendships become greater this past seven days and I thank Gd for that. I've been praying more and more and really trying to work on adding faith to my vocabulary. I thank God for you all.