Now vs. Then

   
Yesterday signifies something really big for me, something I've been waiting for for a very long time:
    I have officially started HRT! I went through a lot of scary scenarios in the last 2 months and thought I might not have been able to but after a cardiologist visit and many tests I am started on estrogen FINALLY!

     It's funny because people who I've told about myself have known for about 2 years, maybe a little more but for me it's been like 31 years that I've been dealing with this and waiting for this. I understand some people thinking I'm making an impulsive decision or that I am not thinking this through thoroughly but I can remember being 7 years old, watching little girls in class or passing me in a mall or wherever and just wishing so hard that I could live the life she had.

     So this gave me a thought, throughout my life what is the now vs. then comparison in many ways. For example, when I was about 15 I moved to my Uncle's house; at that time where I was mentally and what I wanted in life and what I thought was SOO vastly different for what I am today.

     Back then: God was absolutely not a thought to me. Back then politics was something I avoided at all cost (probably because I didn't want to have to actually learn something) and back then I thought every single person in life was either a drunk or abused by a drunk, so why try to succeed.

     Now: God has been a very important aspect of my life (while I do not have the greatest relationship with Him and I have my doubts and fears, God ha played a huge part in my life in every single way), Politics have become very important to me (learning where or country is going and who is trying to gain power in the world is not only important to me but necessary) and I have successfully made it through college and have brought myself back from being homeless at times and have done what it takes to get far from that drunk mentality.

     Back then: When I was young, like 7 or 8, I did everything I could to hide any thoughts of femininity at all. I ignored and pretended to be someone I was not so hard that it affected me on a deep level. Anything I did that wasn't "typically male" was hidden from everyone no matter what and I did things and played with toys and talked about things that I internally hated just to pretend I was what I was supposed to be.

     Now: Since opening up to those close to me about my true self, I have honestly been feeling like a human. I have been slowly opening up more and more and letting myself feel comfort in my regular life that I've never been able to feel at all ever before.

It reminds me of this: clench a muscle, now hold it for an hour. Imagine at that point, the people you trust or should trust the most tell you that you're a sick monster if you unclench that muscle and you're told society knows that unclenching that muscle is just wrong and never okay ever. So hold it clenched for a day, a week and a year.


Now unclench it and feel that comfortable feeling...that's what I'm slowly feeling right now. It's almost scary even though it's been at least respected as a decision I've already made but it feels like I'm actually allowed to be relaxed in that way. Ever.

It's not just freeing, it's like having that muscle back or in my case, having that muscle for the first time.
There was an episode of House MD that displayed this philosophy, a Canadian soldier was angry and messing with House and one day House broke into his house and helped him to unclench a muscle, it was actually an arm that he lost in war; when he lost it it was clenched hard and he never lost that feeling till House showed him how to relax that phantom pain

     Back then: I walked around looking at everyone, kinda studying everyone else and wondering
why I couldn't be a normal standard male human. It made me think I was an alien or a freak or like an Xman but with no cool powers. I often held that against myself and sometimes I held it against friends and treated them badly; I tried to copy what others did but like pinterest attempts, that usually went hilariously bad...nailed it.

 I thought of myself as the one that  was meant to just be made fun of and left out and the odd man out...so to speak. No other male friends wanted so badly to wear and do makeup, no other male Friends wanted to dress and look pretty while hating...despising being considered handsome or manly. And no other male friends of mine as a kid were just so sad because they had to pretend to like GI Joe's or Transformers, they all loved it and it was clear.

     Now: In the last few months, I've been slowly working more things in my life that I truly enjoy and taking out things I don't. It's been a lot of fun growing my hair out and wearing nail polish and wearing small amounts of makeup then seeing how people do or do not notice these little changes. I think it's in the best interest for me and for the people around me that I respect that I make slow changes and kinda allow us all to accept these changes little by little. It's kinda like growth, we didn't wake up one day as full grown adults and I am kinda treating this like that. It's for myself to slowly be able to enjoy and understand what I'm doing fully as much as it is for my friends and those I consider family to take it in slowly.

I don't think it would help anyone else to see me one day just wearing a dress the day after wearing khaki pants and looking the way I regularly look; the culture shock isn't worth the ripple it would create especially when there is a way that I can do what I want and need to but do it in a way to avoid that potentially rude and harmful quick jump into femininity.

 I'm not saying that anyone else should not do that, every single case of someone coming out as gay or trans or nonbinary should be taking as a 
special and delicate situation and treated based on what's going on in THAT situation specifically. No two situations are exactly alike nor should they be handled the same just because another person's situation went a certain way.

     So today is the first day of me living the life I feel I deserve, it's not going to be easy and it's going to bring a lot of problems that I will need to deal with and learn on the fly how to handle but it's the life I know I will actually feel like it's worth living and I hope anyone who is struggling can find a way to get to the point where they're living a life worth living to them.

     To anyone who has kept up with my diary, I can't thank you enough and I want you to know that through my suicidal issues and through my depression and through my bad times, I know at the end of the day I don't want to die or be miserable; I want to be happy and be okay. And I'm trying.

Thank you.