"How did I get here?
I'm not actually here, am I"
kind of feel. Life keeps going and days rmble on like a boulder rolling down a small unimpressive hill; the ironic thing is every day seems to drag on forever but at the end of it, it feels like seconds ago I was just waking up and then in a heartbeat, it's four days later. I often see time as a haze of interesting things and boring empty days of the week and terrible vengefully bad days...and a few solid good times too, said I reluctantly.
This is as poetic as I will get, I promise. The cold hard thruth is I often just want the day to end and it never seems to make anything better when it does. Ya know that thought, "Tomorrow is a new day. Just as long as THIS day is over." well that thought is my refuge from my black cloud of a life but it doesn't restart anything. The same bad stuff, negative thoughts, unending bad luck and awkward attempts at being less than bitter/sad happen; I do have good times and I do have some good luck but the ratio kills me.
The example of my luck I think of regularly is:
Living the life I do, getting a great deal on a tractor trailer
would be really great...but will do nothing for me at all.
So while it could be a blessing, it's not to me. At all.
I don't try to ignore blessings and good things, I really dont. Every time something good comes along that isn't helpful, I try very very hard to take the menaing behind it or extract the heart it came from or even just accept it graciously. And I know this is going to sound very bad to people who believe in God's love but everyday I believe less and less that he loves me...likes me...cares at all...isn't making fun of me or putting me in situations where I will lose.
I understand the principle of recieving things, being gracious with small things could lead to getting greater things. But here's how it feels to me:
God: Hey there...you.
Me: Umm, Hi. I need some help.
God: Oh? oh, yeah. I know that...everyone needs help. What do you need?
Me: Well, I need some love and a lot of money. Well a lot to me, enough to cover rent and eat and buy the things I need. And I need a way to make my head better, I'm kinda messed up from birth and it doesn't get better when stress only gets stronger every single day, I could use some kind of break from that, maybe something to restart my battery.
God: Ah. Yeah...yeah, I see what you mean. SO you need money to live andsomeone to love you and accept you and you need things? That's not too much for ME.
*God reaches down*
Me: Well thank you...umm, I don't want to sound disrespectful...but this is a nickel. I appreciate it...but I need $500.00 a month just for rent and I make enough to cover that...but I need to eat and, like, do things all the time.
God: Be thankful for what you have.
Me: My bike just broke, a nickel won't pay for that.
God: So you aren't gracious?
Me: Umm...I am gracious but the gift isn't enough. and while I was just thinking about that, my pants ripped, I lost my hat and gloves, I got sick and the otehr day I nearly killed myself because it's just too overwhelming for me...ca I get some more help? Please?
*God reaches down again*
Me: Is this a pen? It's...it's a nice pen but this solves literally nothing. In fact now I have to take care of this expensive looking pen. AND while I was sitting here, I got evicted from where I was living and I accidentally insulted someone I didn't even intend to speak to and now my job is on thin ice. That adds a ton of more stress that I couldn't handle before...how does this help?
*God reches down, this time with a little annoyance*
Me: Well thank you. Thank you for the one free meal. I really appreciate that.
Me: But what about my bike? Or my living situation? And I know I've been denying this for, well, all my life but I need to be honest with everyone about my gender issues.
God: I've taken care of all that.
Me: Really??
God: No, but I did make you think I did for a little bit. Are you stress free now? For a few minutes, you didn't have those life affecting, heavy, potentially dark things to think about. You're welcome.
Me: WHAT ON EARTH!!! BUT NOTHING CHANGED AND I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THAT DARK STUFF! SO WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME IN A REAL WAY??
God: I lifted all those problems to let you recharge your battery.
Me: But you didn't actually change anything. I still need all those things AND NOW I've been accused of stealing money that I didn't steal at work so thats's EVEN MORE STRESS!
God: You are ungreatful, I'm going to punish you by taking your favorite sport away from you and pushing your friends away from you for a time. Oh and your still you so...punishment.
Me: And I can't end myself?
God: Nope, that would be wrong.
Me: So can I get some kind of REAL reward for NOT ending myself?
God: You're alive, that's reward enough.
Me: Umm...screw you!
God: . . .
Me: And my ONE family member that means anything to me just moved away...that's just great...can you replace that void in my life?
God: . . .
Me: And NOW I might have a heart condition. Great, thanks...I really needed that in my life. Oh and as much as I want to be angry anout everything, I gotta say thank you for the bike you found a way to get me.
God: . . .
Me: So...today I saw someone else do something really good. It helped a very little. Thanks. Umm...but I still have no friends around or a place to call my own...or enough money to eat food that's god for me...and I am still in need of serious mental help...and I may have a bad heart...and that bike just broke too. Sooo...little help? I was thankful, so that's something...right?
God: . . .
Me: Umm...God? It's me...the transgendered, hurting, empty, lonely, poor, suicidal individual that needs a lot of help.
God: . . .
Me: Welp...I'll be here slowly drowning in my own filth of a life if you need me...I'll accept pretty much anything at this point...You know I was ignored all through highschool and it makes me hateful to be constantly ignored, like I can't even help that. ou would know, you put me in that awful school with tose awful people and gave me no support through family or friends or any hope that anything would get any better...just saying...as I drown slowly...
God: You're ungreatful. PUNISHMENT!
Me: At THIS point...whatever. Punish me. Whther I try to do good or bad, I get the floor taken from me the exact second I feel comfortable. Every.Damn. Time.
God: . . .
Me: Great...ignored...again...Good thing nothing has gotten better, cause if not this might be bad psychologically.
Me: Ok...things got worse.
Me: Not even kidding...things are like scary bad right now. I'm not asking for like a lot, just SOMETHING.
Me: Fuck me.
God: You don't believe I love you. Punishment, this is gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
Me: Are you kidding me?! So I have to be flawless to get any help? By the way...tonight I nearly died. It's only because I didn't want to hurt my friends that I didn't.
Okay, I could go on a lot more but I think this thoroughly serves the purpose of expressing how I feel. I want to believe things are not this way and I want to have hope that things will get better, I really do. I know I've gotten through some crazy times and made it out but the tank is near empty and I am running out of ways to beg strangers and friends for help; they're getting a little tired of it too. To the credit and amazing care of my friends, I cannot thank each and every one of them enough. To the friends who have spent time talking to me or letting me rant to the friends who have sent me things to the many many rides and rooms they've offered to the friends who have spent their energy on me...I thank you from the bottom of my slwoly draining heart. You're the only reason I'm still here right now to type this very diary entry.
No comments:
Post a Comment