Late Night Rant

     So I've been having trouble putting my thought into words for a while now but I'm trying to get back into it. It's really therapeutic for me to get stuff out of my head and onto a virtual notepad. Over the last month I have bene so busy between moving (4 times since November, yeah...you read that right) and stress from all directions, I have really gotten myself stuck in my own head.

     So I want to get some of the issues and thoughts out of my 'sometimes steel trap of negativity' of a mind and try to work from here. so...

     Well the first and most stressful thing I have been dealing with is the pausing of my transition and recent kinda inability to talk about it to many people. I know that is a lot to toss out so I'll unravel it and explain each layer:

* My transition started seemingly too easy, I got into my clinic and things were moving along pretty quickly...until...I had an EKG done and my Dr saw something worrying. She instructed me to see a cardiologist, which took over a month to find and see. Breaking this down even further, I misunderstood my Dr and thought I could start taking hormones, then I found out I shouldn't have and stopped. That was devistating at the time because I didn't have insurance and couldn't afford a cardiologist. For a few weeks, I really barely held on to any kind of hope of anything ever being even okay. Depression made it hard to do anything and I thought I wasn't going to be able to transition, which terrifies me.

I finally opened up to everyone that matters to me and have been doing little things that I want to lead to me fully and completely transitioning from male to identifying as female. (For anyone who disagrees with this decision, I know I am not going to ever be a true female and I don't have any delusions that this move will be as satisfying as the imagination I have about transitioning but I am doing as much as I can to make myself as comfortable as possible in the little bit of life I have left here on earth.

* Lately, I haven't really had many people to talk to about specifically my transition. I have many people to talk to but between the holiday busyness and my friends all kinda having major things going on in their lives, it's been hard to catch some of them and the ones who have been free arenb't okay with this so I don't bring it up to those.

* And finally, the thing that seems to remind me it exists whenever I try to get any success started: Depression. 

Depression has caused me to skip things I would have enjoyed, especially the Thanksgiving/Christmas time of year. The reason I haven't been able to put thoughts together to write in this for a while is the same reason I backed out of plans a few times and the same reason I would rather peel my eyelids off than talk on the phone to anyone. Depression/anxiety has such a strong hold on me at times. I'm still trying to figure a way to beat that...

     So all of that has made it hard to acknowledge the god things that have happened in the last few weeks, which I need to remind myself that amid the darkness of all of that I do have things to look at and be greatful for.

My friend, one of my longest and most important friendships in a way, did something I could not be more humbled by. She gave me a computer to use, she heard mine broke and sent me one she had and wasn't using. She absolutely blew me away with her generosity and willingness to help.
And two frineds from my high school years have reached out to me lately and in their own way have made me feel honored to have them as friends.

One who I never really talked to in school (I was friends with her brothers) spent some time with me and is always there for me when I need someone to text. I hope to get more time to hang out with her and be a help to her even half as much as she is a great friend to me.

Another friend who was very very important to me in highschool happened to see me a few weeks ago in a mall, he asked if it was me he saw ansd we got to talking; I shared what I've been going through in life (being trans) and he is just as a great a friend now as he was back then.

---A quick summary of why I say he's such an important part of my
life: In school I was about the leas tpopular kid, even my closest friends never really had my back. This particular friend was cool with pretty much everyone and could have been like my other firends, he could have let me get made fun of or just walked away when I needed help but he didn't. There were a few times he gave me credit for things or stood up for me. He didn't know at the time but there was one specific time when I had lans to end myself that day, I was so lonely and was being made fun of by someone who I still have trouble not hating...this kid followed me home from school threatening to beat me up the whole way.

Well, the day I was planning to end it all, this friend stuck up for me and didn't care if it made him les popular or whatever, he did the right thing. Him doing that, stopped me from committing suicide...like literally he saved my life and didn't even know it.

So hearing from him recently and knowing he offered his support if/when I need it because he learned what I am...well, there is no greater honor between friends. These friends have all touched me in a time when I've been really down, not exactly my lowest point in life but definately great timing.

OHHH! And another thing I am really happy about is two of my best friends are getting married; they've asled me to be a bridesmaid!! I can't express how much I love that! I'm so excited to be a part of their big day!!

     Ok...I need to get some sleep and gear up to take on tomorrow. Any prayers are appreciated and a kind word or act goes a long way so remember it doesn't take much to make someone's day better or much worse. Keep that in mind and. . .