For the last two years, I have been trying to live by a motto more and more:
And it's been a good one to help me to take steps outside of my comfort zone even in small ways. I've talked to people I wouldn't have before and done things I would have been too scared to do before.
In fact, I'm still holding this philosophy and will have many times where I'll go to talk to my boss or speak up when I feel like I need to and I'll say to myself, "What is stopping me right now?" Which makes me really think, why am I not doing whatever it is (usually it's nervousness or introvertness that is stopping me) and to decide if it's something I should do or if I'm stopping for a good reason.
So for about two year now, I and my cousin have been living by that statement and reminding each other of that thought when facing any challenge or coming to any potentially good thing we get shy or cared to do.
It's made me a better person and in my personal case, it's been beneficial for little things and for giant steps toward a better me. This philosophy has helped me to talk to people and fight shyness and ask for things at work when I need to (example: when I have to ask for something small like paper towels at work or ask a coworker if I can use their bowl for lunch or small things that I normally have been so shy about that I would just quietly suffer instead of just saying something).
It's also been a driving force behind stepping out and telling more people I'm trans and starting the process of actually transitioning. After telling a very few close friends about my true self, I called a clinic ad tried to get an appointment, they told me it would be years before I could. That broke my heart and I wanted to give up and about a month later they called and let me know there was an opening, I was scared and almost didn't take the opportunity.
Now I was being scared of hurting others and being introverted and I was scared that my job would be lost or I'd have to explain to strangers stuff I really didn't want to...etc. But those reasons are all things that should be thought about before TAKING the opportunity, they should NOT stop me from doing something I absolutely needed to do. It was a life saving chance and I ended up saying to myself, "What is truly stopping me? Why am I not jumping on this opportunity?" and I thought about what those excuses were and realized I needed to go for it.
It's been great and it's been a great tool for making me a better person...but what's next? Now that I have that weapon in my arsenal and take more steps, what do I do next?
This is where my new philosophy is coming into play. My cousin, who is a huge inspiration to me, brought up another phrase that he's been living by for a while now. That phrase, which he and I both need to use daily, is:
One day at a time. What a wonderful phrase. One day at a time ain't no passing ca-raze. (YouTube
the song, sing it loudly, get it out of your system and then come finish this) After taking the steps and doing the things that I should do, there are sometimes very big ramifications that come from those decisions.
If I talk to a stranger, I could make a new friend and they will call or text me sometime and I will have to accept their friendship. For an introvert like me, that can be very daunting to say the least.
And for a bigger example, if I set an appointment at a clinic that helps people transition from male to female or vice versa and they tell me my heart might not be good and I have to get an appointment at a cardiologist and they want me to fix my health insurance and that takes time and diligence to correct and that causes me to have to schedule days off from work so I can go to these appointments and that causes me to have to take on days that I do not particularly want to and following through with that causes me to have to tell my coworkers and all the rest of my friends about my situation and decision to transition from the VJ they all know into Layla, the person I've always actually been.
So that's a lot, right?! That can feel like too much...that IS too much, all at once. It's so much that it can cause ulcers or depression spikes or fear and panic or giving up. I'm fighting all those bad things by saying to myself, "One day at a time."
All I need to do today is call a place and set an appointment, then go and relax once that's done. Tomorrow, my goal will be to go to the appointment and that's the only goal for that day. The next day, I'll need to just go to work and focus on working hard there, nothing else for that day.
One day at a time has been making my sometimes very scary needs a lot easier to swallow without shutting down. I've become good at shutting down throughout my life and anything that will help me fight that is great.
I'm setting a small yet achievable goal for today: today I am going to church and paying attention. It's small enough to do without any stress but it's big because my faith in God has not been good for a while and I have been shutting my ears toward what God has to say to me.
I have a few final thoughts I want to share with myself and anyone else reading:
* A place that my Uncle and I used to go to shut down and that really hurts. It was a small pizza place in Philadlephia and I can't tell you how many times I've gone there with him and with others in honor of him. I'm trying to not be too hurt about this but wow this is a big emotional hit to my world. RIP Fanti's Pizza.
So for the sake of my city, E-A-G-L-E-S- Eagles!
Hey, I resonate with the motto thing a lot. Those few choice words mean so much more to you than they do to someone else then that's great and you have something to live by. Anyway that's all, just wanted to pass on the love.
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