I'm putting this disclaimer out there up here at the top of this diary entry so you know:
THIS ENTRY WILL BE DEALING WITH VERY PERSONAL/MATURE NATURE AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR EVERYONE
Ok, now that I got that out of the way, I'm updating about my transition and some of it gets very personal.
Alright so I have been on estrodiol for exactly one month and a day. "It's been one month since I started hrt, gotta admit it hasn't always been easy..." <--- if you sang this to the Barenaked Ladies song, we can be friends.
Well, I have been slowly getting more and more impatient. I was hoping to see a change in my body after...oh say...two days; then by three weeks I expected to see radical hair growth in the exact places I need to look more feminine and less masculine. Then I expected to be able to comfortably pass as a natural born female in public by, like...a month and a day.
Okay, that's a slight exaggeration but I did expect to see some physical changes sooner than I did and I was hoping to feel different, at least a little. It's been a month and a day and I did just recently notice breast growth but so little that only I notice it. I was at the gym on the tread mill and I felt a bounce in my step, so to speak. I found it very funny at the moment and looked around like, 'I wonder if I look crazy. I look like a typical male and I'm staring at my chest as if I was a natural woman who's boob just popped out."
The other thing that has been happening internally is a bit more personal. Alright, I made like three disclaimers so if you don't want to hear what's next that's on you. I have been a very sexual person from a pretty young age, I learned about masturbating at about 11 and like most boys that became a thing for me. Then when I was 16 I had sex for the first time and THAT became the thing I wanted to do as much as I could.
Especially in the last few years, I've been like on over drive in my thoughts and desires to engage in those acts and it's been very tough to not be in a relationship while I'm in such a charged mood so often. Well since starting estrogen, it has been so relaxing to not feel that constant need to deal with that.
For the record, I think it's hilarious when women talk about how their boyfriends or husbands say they get sick if they don't release somehow; it's not exactly true, males don't get ill from abstinence...but... I can say from experience, it becomes very very difficult to keep calm when you go days or weeks without releasing and then the inevitable happens. Someone or something aroused me and I could barely contain my excitement...I tried to be as discreet and non-crass as I could. What can I say, it's hard to navigate...
Alright, no more of that, I promise. But anyway, it's been a lot easier to relax and let the estrogen combat my testosterone. I have an appointment in April and as long as nothing goes wrong (fingers crossed) I'll then start T blockers. My Dr. said that starting estrogen first and then Testosterone blockers a little bit later will help my breast growth in the long run so I'm excited for that.
I've been praying a lot more and really trying to let God into my world i a way I've never let Him in before. Now that I'm getting help in an area that I hated myself everyday for and that's another area in my life that my transition has had a very positive effect on, which I am excited daily to let go of. I'm nowhere near done or even okay but these things are slowly giving me more and more of a positive outlook.
It feels good to not hate my own life every waking minute. That's new to me and I think I like it.
One last thing that's been on my mind:
I've been dreaming fully female for a while now; in every dream I am a female, the female I have always seen myself as in secret. Well I'm now having regular dreams that I'll wake up and realize I look so much more feminine than when I went to sleep. It's always a very calm and examinitory kind of dream, I'll look in a mirror and stare at my eyes and face and see that I look so much more feminine. Then I'll slowly examine new lines and new features all ove rmy body and just take in my new life, always smiling as I accept myself and smile as I finish getting ready. That's pretty interesting.
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