Something I'm Thinking About

     So I'm a few days away from going to a horror convention called Monster Mania, there are going to be some great actors there (Richard Dreyfus, Tim Curry, Sean Astin to name a few) and I'm going with a bunch of friends and I AM EXCITED! Everything's paid for and taken care of, I don't think I'll have any problems from the human I used to date and I'm even dressing up for at least one day (as Layla). It's going to be great.


All of this is making me think about something very good. The future.

I don't mean, "My future is prepared and I know everything's going to be great." I mean the fact that I think about the future in a way I didn't much before. And anyone who knows about a suicidal person knows they don't actually think about the future, not realistically or happily at least.

For a little while now, the future has been something less hazy and fake to me and more real and dealable (...you know I make up words, deal with it). That's a huge step for me.

     So much of my life, I imagined what people would do when I die or I'd picture how the world would be after me or without me. I never pictured me in a future of  earth and I'm not saying I'm completely better now but I am saying I picture myself in my own imaginations of the future.

It's not the future I thought I'd ever be a able to be part of or that most people agree with but it's something. The gravity of this thought is beyond huge for me, the magnitude may just explode my brain at some point...which would ruin the future I want...I may have to avoid head explosion.

     Well on the subject of the future, I've been asked some personal questions about my transition and I've always said something close to, "I want to do what's safe and possible." Take a guess what the questions involve. Now, I invite personal questions; I'm not very shy about pretty much anything in my life. But the point here is people asking has me thinking about my future in that regard.

     There are two parts to my answer to this question (if I want to have full reassignment surgery, for those of you who didn't figure it out)

1. I want to do what is in my capabilities both financially and emotionally. I do want to become the best and most complete woman I am able to (you don't have to say it, I know I can never be an actual woman. That's why I said the best I CAN be)  My future plans are to do the most I can to present and identify as a female, that does also include genitalia.

I have made a choice not to participate in relationships ever because of things like my values so sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with my decision to go through my transition but I'm not sad to say goodbye to sex as a male, it's never been anything more than a good feeling. That doesn't change the fact that I'm strictly only attracted to women though.

2. While I want to be safe and I want to give the diplomatic answer of "I'm gonna do what's safe and what's best..." blah blah blah but here's the biased and opinionated answer: I want to be as feminine as I can possibly be. I want to experience female orgasms and use the bathroom the way I would if I was born with female plumbing and I want to be able to sit in a ladylike fashion. These are all things I think about beyond the safety and diplomacy that I know I need to think about.

   

          The main thing about these things is that I am looking at the future with hope and a feeling of possibilities, something I hated even considering for so long. I hope if anyone can relate to this reads my words and takes away the fact that if I can be hopeful about the future, anyone can.

PS: I'm posting this with photos of snow because we were absolutely obliterated by a snow storm today and I took a few pictures from my room. The blizzard of March 2018...enjoy