Early Morning Thinking

     I woke up very early this morning, the exact time I remember is Stupid O'Clock. and I laid in bed remembering my dream. They say you should remain as relaxed as you can and replay your dreams in order to remember them best and so that's my routine when I have a vivid dream.

I dreamt that I took a long long time putting together a book for my friend, I put hours of work into selecting the pictures and arranging them in the best way possible. I took the pictures (because even in my dreams I take the best pictures) and physically made the book, I remembered all the hard work I put into the book and just as my friend opened the package, I was so ready for him to love it.

He opened it and it looked like it was made in 1984, the pictures were all blocky and the lettering for captions were all improperly spaced and the pages were crooked and uneven. I wanted to freak out, cry, throw it at whoever ruined all my hard work but the biggest thing was I remembered feeling so embarrassed. I ended up apologizing to him over and over, he graciously thanked me and I could tell he thought I just did a terrible job but that I tried my hardest; like he thought I wasn't mentally capable of doing any better.

In dream fashion, the next thing I can remember is I was microwaving something and it suddenly started smoking. I opened the microwave door and found that someone put a metal pan in there with my food, either I didn't see that when I put my food in there or someone put it in there and turned it back on. I was trying to avoid a fire alarm going off from the smoke and kept blowing till there was no more smoke.

     After replaying those dreams, I sat up and did that thing where I let my thoughts kinda run free, I went from one completely random and weird thought go to another that may be unrelated. To keep this diary entry shorter than a novel, I'll cut out the many completely crazy and random thoughts I went through and skip right to the most impactful one.

One of my best friends asked me while she was doing my makeup for my first time ever if I'm sure I want to go through with being a girl. She's been the most supportive friend from the moment I told her and wasn't questioning what I'm going through or anything like that; she was asking because being a 'guy' is SO MUCH EASIER than being a girl.

That conversation kinda replayed in my head and I thought about something that is kinda scaring me now in life;
     I have been living this weird situation for so long, I've felt and understood things as a female but was trapped by a masculine mask (say THAT ten times fast) and have been trying to escape that for so long that I learned a ton of ways to survive as a male. I learned how to do things like talk  and get ready for anything in 5 minutes and walk and act like a 'guy'

I did all those things even while hating a lot of them and then I opened up about being trans and FINALLY was able to begin acting the way I want to. I'm now slowly letting more and more of the things I actually like out...and I don't know how to be the girl I always felt inside.

I'm noticing that I don't know how to be a girl and walk and talk and do little things (although I do have many feminine mannerisms so it's not like absolutely nothing but there are a lot of things)

     I wish I could just be a 'guy' and happily live that way, it would be seriously so much easier and cheaper but I can't ignore all that I feel and know about myself. I want so badly to be good at being Layla rather than go back to being HORRIBLE at being VJ.

I told another friend that I've never been a 'guy' or 'one of the guys' even though I've been a male all my life. I'm done with that and while I'm scared about not being good at being Layla, I'm so much happier being a beginner Layla than trying to be okay as VJ.