Lingering Downs Through Overall Progress

     So I think I've made some progress with getting through a few of my mental blocks and depression issues over the last few years. I've been working very hard at dissecting why I think the way I think and what causes me to react negatively...and sometimes even knowing all I have learned, I still fall into depressions.

I'd love to truthfully write that I've made huge strides and have conquered depression, suicidal thoughts...problems, really. But then I find myself feeling so down and so impossibly buried in all that life and the world can throw at me to keep me down that I'm not able to fight it all.

Right now in life, there are some positive things in my life that I can look at and see physical improvements; I've come a very long way in certain areas and have indeed survived some really truly harsh and awful things and I'm in a better place than I deserve to be or could be. But...I still look around and don't see  a way to get better in some areas that I just need to be better in.

Emotionally:

     I used to keep quiet and if I needed something desperately, I kept quiet. Not that I wanted to be silent but it was as if I had a metal bar over my mouth and I just couldn't muster any voice to make sound. I didn't know why I felt that way but I knew that  I regretted every single time I didn't speak up when I should have.

Whether it was something important like needing glasses as a kid or I wanted to choose something for myself when given a choice of something (Like if someone gave me a choice of drink, I took whatever they handed me even if I hated it)

I have fought very very hard to stop being this way and within the last maybe 5 years find myself sometimes saying to much, accepting that I'd rather say something and take it back then not say anything and think about what I wanted to say for weeks.

Spiritually: 

     God has been a major part of my life since I was 19 when I found the church I still go to currently. I didn't care if God existed when I was young, I just wanted to not be where or who I was; that was my selfish and only care. I mean I wanted stuff selfishly but my only deep wish wasn't to learn or grow or be smart or give God a chance, I just wanted to leave where I was or the person I was becoming.

At 19-20, I learned that God exists and He has a lot more planned for people than I thought. My eyes were opened to the fact that things have deeper meanings or destinies and I might possibly have some kind of destiny of my own...mind blown.

It wasn't long after that when I started seeing a lot of very disturbing terrible things and realized just how bad I must have been, like God must have been either punishing me or not liked me very much. I often referred to myself as the butt of God's jokes when thinking of my metaphorical existence.

It wasn't until very recently that I even started to chip away at the negative philosophies I put on God. I'm currently trying to get all the bad stuff that happens to me off God's shoulders and take in only
the good things that happen. Praying to thank God for every little thing that happens and ask Him to help me accept the bad things I can't change or fix.

I'm trying to learn the balance between knowing God and powers that are above what we see here on earth and realistic logical physics. It's not always easy to understand that there is more than we see but some stuff needs to be seen to be believed. To truly and unbiasedly try to understand this can get very very deep.

Physically: 

     Obviously my body is changing right now, I've been on hormones (estrogen) since January and there are/will be some major changes but the intangible physical changes about me are bigger. I'm a different person in every way and the mental or emotional is starting to have physical effects.

My mannerisms have been a huge part of who I am, my awkward movements and my unconfident little actions have defined how I feel or think of myself for as long as I can remember. One example is nail biting, I've been a nail biter since before I can remember and besides when I have to, I've been a non-nail biter for a few months (I say when I have to because a few times I've caught my nail on something at work and either had to bite til it was even or potentially rip it badly on random stuff)

So while I'm proud that I have been doing better at not nail biting, it leaves a huge hole in my mannerism that I don't know what to do with. It's like taking Internet away from anti social people; you can take that away but it wasn't that they were addicted to the Internet or their phones, it was that they felt awkward and needed to hide behind something. I'm now sometimes catching myself just standing there feeling even more awkward than before. That's a good thing even though it sounds negative, eventually I'll learn how to do something better.

Here's a bonus physical/emotional thing: I love when people call me Layla. Like I want to be talked to or noticed just because I want to hear people use my name as opposed to when I wanted to be invisible just because I knew they'd use my name and I just felt rage, sadness or insecurity just by hearing it

     I wrote all that to set up my reason for thinking about the stuff I am thinking about right now, I have been falling into a shell of depression lately even though I've come so far. I'm trying to dissect this and fight it but I can't quite get out of it. It's similar to when you're half asleep but trying to be wide awake and alert. It's not as powerful as before but seems to linger longer with me.

I'm trying though...I promise.