My Only Response

 

     So I feel that a few things need to be said, since my reputation has been destroyed in the last few months. I don't expect anyone to read this but in the event that anyone wants to hear my side of things, here it is with the utmost respect for everyone. 

     First, I have never and will never use anyone to gain anything for myself. I think that is dispicable and should be punishable with the height of the law. And families dealing with any medical or delicate trouble should be fully protected and helped, they should never have to deal with anyone using them to gain anything at all in any way. I stand by that and whether I'm able to speak out on these topics or not, I will never allow anyone to do this and the standard I hold for myself is much higher than even this.

I had my voice taken away (partly because of myself and my wrong actions and partly because there were rumors going around and very few even gave me the chance to explain anything, let alone believe me) I never want to be seen as innocent when I'm not. One thing I always try my best to live by is I want the most honest in any given situation, even when it's not easy to hear. My motto is: A harsh truth is better than a sweet lie, and I won't accept what I don't deserve for good or bad.

     That being said, some of the rumors I heard had to do with me pretending to be a part of organizations I was never a part of. I never said that and I would never want recognition for being part of anything I'm not actually a part of.  This is the only place I'll make any statements about this and this is it: I have never been a legal part of any organizations, I wanted to help with a few and it was an honor to do anything that helped them achieve their goals. I never lied to any of the individuals involved at any point and I never want or wanted anything I did or said to negatively affect them. 

     For the mistakes I made, I am paying everyday for them. I lost friendships and the ability to advocate the way I thought I would for the rest of my life, my actions caused people I loved dearly to need me out of their lives and I deserve to feel that every minute of every day...and I do. I deserve no sympathy for this, nor will I accept even one ounce of it. I'm working on removing myself and my presence on most social media to make sure everyone involved has no fear of me interfering or bothering them in any way. As of this moment I'm only on Tiktok, Youtube and Facebook (I'm working on deleting my facebook, there's years worth so it's taking some time)

     I'm not trying to bring the attention anyone who removed me from their world, they don't deserve to hear from me or about me. I won't ever try to put myself in their space, I only wish they knew I'm sorry for what I've done. For my emotional immaturity, my neediness and expecting too much from people who had too much on their plate already. I was petty at times and brought negativity to those who needed and deserved positivity the most. 

     So to end this, I will forever do whatever I can to help cancer fighters and I will do whatever it takes to never negatively affect anyone the way I have in the past, even if that means not allowing myself to be close to anyone again. I will never say names or talk about anything without full permission of everyone involved ever again. 

Desert Island

 

     I've been on this island for a while now; trying to get off of it, trying to understand how I got here, trying to figure out what I can do from a land inhabited by no one. Can I harvest food? Can I find some way to bring some joy to a seeming wasteland of memories and regret and rage? Do I even want to leave? 

     Oh, to taste the things I tasted before. I remember how sweet it felt to do things that brought me comfort, how good it was to have the luxuries of favorite things...and a direction, a passion, and even little things like a can of soda. Back when I was on ground everything was so...I took so much for granted and I didn't/still don't fully realize what it means to go from solid main land to this island. The solitary isolation at times figuratively chokes me until I literally can't breathe and at other times it's starting to become the only thing I know and trust. God herself knows I can't trust anything else.

     I'm trying my hardest to keep my head above water, to keep from letting the insanity of my reality overtake me but this island does funny things to your mind when you only have your own broken thoughts to listen to and argue and eventually agree with. I tried catching fish but the water all around me is rotten and void of edible life and I tried to build a boat to carry me back to land but the barrier I created is too strong. It's like a hurricane wind, continually strengthening up when I go in the direction of freedom only.

     So I have two choices: look around the island and try to gather supplies to build something sustainable somehow or sit down. And stay there. Till the next big storm challenges me and wins. I've had tidal waves come ever so close to defeating me before, but that was on mainland. That was with technology and some kind of system in place to support my existence. Now I stand on the edge of this resort of sorts, looking out into the unending ocean and...I feel queasy. At best, I get numb and picture myself in a life worth living. One where I know what it means to be a superhero to someone, to anyone...or at least be willing to do what it takes to be one.

     The very last thing that brought me to this desert land was out of my control but I know that I caused the events that started that chain reaction the ended in my desolation here in the land of nowhere, nothing. I could be upset that things were 'unfair' or even wrong but an empty, lifeless detached paralysis regularly takes over because I know (in the back and front of my mind) that I directed my path to the place where 'unfair' and wrong and whatever other negative outcomes I see and absorb right nowhere the only possibilities. If you choose a flimsy  boat and push things way too far and put too much out there, what the hell do you expect as a result?! Right? 

     So I'm here, trying to convince myself something is worth something. I see that everything is better with me on this island, the grass actually is greener...as long as I'm thousands  of miles from the grass and can't hurt or ruin good things. 

     So I guess I DO know what to do. The only way to help the civilized world is to protect it from me.The greater good is the only thing that matters, right? And since I'm not good and I shouldn't be a part of civilization and since the grass deserves to be the best it can be, then this island is my home. And I can't let anyone step foot on the wasteland of a beach here. And I can't allow myself to believe I could be anything other than what I am, whatever that is.

     I used to say you can do anything as long as you put your mind to it and that's still true...for you. I just have to keep in my mind (at all times) the fact that I need to stay away from any main land, anyone's world and I need to stay away from anywhere that growth, positivity, love and unity are present. I make those things rot no matter what my intentions are or what I 'try' to accomplish.

     I won't forget what I am, nor will I forget the effect I have. 

Now what? I have no idea

      Sitting here, I was just thinking long and hard about a time when I could consider myself an athlete. I used to play hockey 4 days a week, practice probably twice that and played silly games with Tre when he was under 10 years old and energetic as possible. But now, I sit here typing at 2:42 in the morning in Wisconsin after eating a small bowl of dry cereal just to taste something sweet. And this is after a full day of fighting bitterness by ignoring the rest of the world in my room by myself.

     I have no idea how I got to where I am, life seems so crazy. At times I feel like I'm at my most sane ever and other times I feel like I can't complete one single simple thought without needing to question just how insane it is. I feel so alone, I haven't had a real conversation with any humans in months and even longer since I trusted anyone or anything...or at least I thought I trusted. I've since found out that so much of what I trusted was a complete lie and that's one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned.

     So I sit here this late ( or early if you're an optimist) and I wonder what it would take for me...the brokenest whatever I am to find even a small amount of calmness or peace or...something good rather than the most tense version of anxiety that has kept me at a great distance from the nearest comfort.

     I've had so much time to dwell  in my own thoughts and I have no idea how to get away from recent events that changed the course of my entire future. For the first time ever, I thought I found my purpose. I thought I never had to wonder where my heart would be fully invested in again. I thought, "This won't be easy and won't ever allow me to glorify myself or have a career of any kind but the reward of helping those that truly need and deserve it was worth it all. To be clear, none of that is a sacrifice I ever deserved or wanted any credit for; I want to be worth sacrificing things but my life was worthless so there's nothing to take any credit or "clout" it was just a path I thought was settled from now on.

     All that was taken away, some was my fault and some was not. Once rumors were started, too many believed without even questioning even the ridiculous ones; I learned who was never actually on my side and who just didn't care to even ask if I was doing or saying crazy things. I've been angry, sad, hurt, destroyed, reflecting on every single action I committed and so many more emotions that I truly think have aged me decades in the last 6 months. I'm trying my hardest to find a reason not to give up and leave everyone on this earth better off without me and my cursed soul in their way...I'm not really finding much to hold onto  or to convince me to stay. In fact, I've seen so much that proves I'm being selfish and doing wrong by NOT leaving everyone for good. 

     Guess we'll see what the future holds...I don't really have many answers...

It is what it is

   Well...it's Saturday night, February 24th 2024. If you would have asked five years ago me to predict 1000 different possibilities for where I'd be right now, I wouldn't have even come close to this. I'm in Appleton, Wisconsin. I'm sitting in a room by myself, sitting in the knowledge that the reality I'm in right now is both so far from anything I've ever experienced before AND exactly the same as always.

   I sit here, feeling the weight of everything I've done to people I let get close to me. Every time I pushed them away and then realized that I need them and they don't need me so I fought hard to get in their lives. I fought so hard to get back in and then either got insulted by some little thing, put things together that may or may not have actually been what I thought, or I felt the difference between me and them and tried to do what's right for them and distanced again.

   Before I thought, "I want to be like these people. I want to emulate them and grow into something like they are and maybe learn how to BE them." Like maybe if I spent enough time around happy whole people, people who have hearts and smart minds and good morals, then maybe it would become my nature. I thought the bad apple could learn to be ripe again.

I learned some things, I grew in ways and I gained an understanding of my mind in ways that took me to a new level in life. Sounds great, right? Sounds almost like I got what I wanted.

The flaw in my plan was that some of the 'bad apple' in me grew into them as well, I hurt their existence and corrupted them in ways I didn't even realize I could. Like an evil seeped into their souls, an evil that never would have had a way in without me. I made them worse people.

   I also learned some things about me that changed my world and everyone's understanding of who I am. Most of them walked away from me. They washed their hands of my existence, they realized they were better completely forgetting that I ever was a part of theirs. They made the right choice. I didn't.

   Instead of learning from that and realizing I was the curse to their souls, I thought I could get better. I selfishly wanted friends who were strong enough to fight that curse and through life I could learn how to be strong like them and fight this curse too. It took me about seven years to get too selfish and let people in my world again.

I met some people who were the strongest I've ever seen. Long story short...I only found new ways to hurt people, ways I didn't even see coming even when I was in the middle of it. Wasn't what they think, they think I tried to take things from them and use them and pretend I was one of them. I didn't do that, I never lied to them even once. But...

...but I found a way to make their entire world worse without deceit, lies or maliciousness. This 'curse' (me, I'm the curse) put their lives in such a worse place they considered shutting down their life's work. I misspoke many times. I let my emotions lead way too many times, I was too honest almost all the time and I let my absolute unconfidence infest the universe I brought them into until it threatened their life. In a way that statement is metaphorical since I never ACTUALLY threatened them (and I never would, I love them more than probably almost anyone. I'd do anything for them. Anything.) but in some ways I saw a life nearly lost more than once while I was around and when I was not emotionally close, things went back to better again.

Because I am the curse. I am the evil that destroys souls and lives.

Even when I try my hardest to be a help.

   Now to be clear, I'm not suggesting doing anything to myself because I don't deserve to just get out while others have been forever changed for the much worse. That's not how I'm going to disrespect those lives, they deserve better and I don't.

I have to walk this earth, probably for many years to come knowing every minute of every day that I met the greatest people, that I hurt them and can't take it back. I have to understand every minute I'm breathing that I broke something in the best people. I didn't break them, because they're better than that, but I broke something in them that I can't undo. I can't apologize them back to being whole, I can't even say one word they'll trust ever again.

So that will be in the front of my mind every minute of every day, in every smile I fake and every good deed I try to dissolve the evil with and every tear I don't shed that I want to. I will keep this pain where others keep joy, and I'll make sure that no one ever has to know this evil ever again. No one deserves to know what it looks like or tastes like or feels like, only me. It's my cross to bear shamefully until my last day...and maybe beyond that too. Alone.

The minute- no, the second I forget this? Others get hurt. I can't take that chance, I can't let anyone in ever again.

Since I'm the only one who will see this, I'll read it whenever I think I might be unintentionally forgetting just how important it is for me to keep anyone I care about from my darkness.

Note to myself: never mistake this with being a good deed. I. Deserve. Nothing.

so, I guess...

Square One...Again

 

     So I've spent the last few days feeling horrible. HORRIBLE. I hurt friends who mean the world to me, they mean more to me than anything/anyone has meant to me in a long time. I already thought the worst about myself and this sent me a ton lower (not to sound sympathy needing, I don't deserve sympathy. Intentional or not, I hurt them and that kills me more than anything else.)

     But I realized some things that honestly, I don't know how to process. And since I'm the only one who will read this ever, I HAVE TO get these thoughts out of my system somewhere. I'll...well, it would be devastating to someone somewhere possibly if I let these thoughts fester in my demented mind.

     The first thing is I was/am always honest. The people that I let in my inner world get the fullest of truth from me. I don't hold back and I don't say one syllable that isn't the most real version of me there is. And with that honesty, I love them more than the entire universe could ever offer. I would do absolutely anything for those people. Anything. I think that's a good thing, at least most of the time, though I know sometimes I can go overboard with my emotions. I know I need to learn to calm down and sometimes not love to my fullest extent able. I know it; I try to keep myself from being 'too much'

     And when I believe that honesty is returned, it's euphoric. I feel like I can trust those people and they can trust me. I haven't had a lot of people I can truly trust in my life. But when I see that the people I trust fully who I thought were being full honest weren't...it hurts. It kills me; especially people I put on a pedestal in my mind, people I see as superheroes. Even if they still are superheroes, knowing they don't trust me kinda destroys me inside.

     Here's the thing, I can recognize that I need to keep my emotions in check and I can try to not say every thought in my head and I can do my best to grow as a person. Those are all things I can and need to do...but...I am always going to be who and what I am. I can't seem to change the fact that I love so hard that I can feel it in my fingertips and I can see it in the real world. Not like in a crazy 'I see things' kinda way, more like I look at certain people and I see their goodness or their light and love. They just look brighter than other people, like they literally have a halo above them. 

And I want to help them and love them and make sure they know beyond anything that no matter what happens they have at least one person who will stand against hell itself without question and fight for them even beyond death. Even if I can't do it with them in my life, if they decide to move on from me or they need me out of their lives. I will respect that and never let them be bothered by my presence for even one second, because I love them with every fiber in my being. I can't help it, once I love someone that much I have to do anything it takes to make their lives better...even leave it.

     Another thought I can't answer is: what do I do when this happens? Once I stop trying to fight for the friendship or do anything that would ultimately push them even further than leaving, once I stop putting myself in their path in any way, once I realize they don't need me in their lives...what DO I do? 

Do I go back to not caring about anything or anyone? Do I beat myself up until I can't anymore, and if so do I just never stop doing that? Do I eat my sorrow away, do I learn how to paint, do I completely ignore that I ever knew them? This is one area I have never succeeded at in any way.

I end up not being able to smile or be worth anyone being around for a long time and any time I start feeling human again, something reminds of the people who left (all of them, it's a spiral I haven't avoided yet) and each one hits me just as hard as when they first left. Square one...again.

     Then I think about all the people who walked away from me. People like my 7th grade math teacher who said to me as I was leaving that school for the last time, she looked right at me and said "You're a loser and you're always gonna be a loser." and all the times I opened some app and found out a close friend had deleted me, and I think about the times people had absolutely no regret in telling me they were never my friend...or the time I went to visit my childhood best friend and when I got there to surprise him, he had already replaced me. 

I think about all those times and it seems more likely that the entire world would be better off without me here. How many more people do I have to hurt, annoy, ruin, bother or interrupt before the world makes it clear that I'm not welcome here? I've seen people who weren't welcome in places force themselves in and I don't know what's worse; forcing my way into an uncomfortable situation where I'm not welcome or just not being anywhere. 

     So for now I am accepting my punishment. I here in the nowhere realm I live in again. Torn between letting go for people or waiting to be let back in. I know I may not be given the option to BE let back in, and if not it's what I deserve. Maybe I never deserved to have friends in the first place. My worst fear is that I am cursed but I'm starting to think reality is worse than that, that I am the curse, I am the darkness that fills this world.

Wish I had answers, wish I didn't have the answers I do have. Guess I'm having the day I deserve.

Not just Something...Everything.

   So in a few weeks, I went from: having a really great friend, a community that meant the world to me, a job that I was proud of and a plan to having no job (at least a tthe moment), no best friend kinda people and I just moved to a new town. Oh and the community I was invested in is now in question.

Aaaand it's pretty much all my fault.Yay.

   Oh and I'm staying away from virtually all social media for an indefinite ambiguous amount of time, and I never knew just how much it affects my world to not be on almost any social media platforms.

   I was doing ok during the day today, I went for a bike ride where I saw a bunch of really cool stuff and places in the town I just moved to, but tonight was/is really rough. I'm alone. Like no one in a million miles/pretty sure everyone who has ever interacted with me has forgotten completely that I ever existed/even watching stuff I really like doesn't even come close to quenching that need I have for people even though I push people away before I realize just how much I pushed them away.

Wow, that was a lot, and for a bonus it really hurt to write all that.

   I need to change. My personality, my heart, my...geez everything. I always knew I suck but boy did I underestimate just how much I suck. To anyone who has had to put up with me, I'm sorry. You're a saint for not leaving sooner.

Damn. I'm not even sad I'm just...damn.

Today in the A.

 Exploring is one of my favorite things to do. I remember being a kid and always getting in trouble for roaming away from the group, but I never listened because I wanted to explore. I wanted to see things I had never seen before, I wanted to just see something I didn't see everyday.

   And I'm stuff that very way. Today I rode my bike around a town I just moved to and it was amazing seeing the beautiful sights of Menasha and Appleton. 

I rode my electric bike around and went so far my bike almost died, at the end I was laughing hard while watching my battery go WAYYY down.

   It was a good ride and since the day's not over I may go for another ride tonight, or tomorrow at the least. And the weird part is having no social media other than this right now. I'm learning just how addicted I am to social media. It was kinda nice just enjoying the ride without thinking about getting shots and holding my phone at angles to show the scenes around me. I just listened to music and let my eyes be my only social media. Weird, but good.

   I also am sadly really into one anime, ha ha ha. Call mean nerd but I just stumbled on the live action One Piece and I'm absolutely loving it! A lot of it is shot for shot with the original and other than a few voice changes, they're doing a pretty decent job with this. Not sure what I'm gonna watch after this, I'm watching the last episode available right now.

   I'm really trying to work on me and learn from my mistakes right now. I know that when I love people, I love them further than the boundaries of heaven or hell and I would do anything for them. I know I need to keep that care in check, there are times to let go and I'm not good at that part, when I feel like I'm losing people or things I try my hardest to hold on tight...even when sometimes I shouldn't. I'll be honest, I don't understand that at all but I'm trying hard to not take any of this for granted. 

   I also know that I will be much more deliberate with my words from now on. I hope anyone who knows me knows I would never say anything with intent to hurt the people I love the most. Not ever. And those who are going through things a million times worse than my worst...I would never ever consider myself on their level. I want to make my life's goal for others to realize what these heroes are going through. Nothing more. 

   Anyway, I haven't really been able to eat for a while now so I'm gonna force myself to put something in my stomach. And I'm gonna try to have a good night, maybe even smile. I feel alone, I hope someday to know the feeling of not being that.