It's Always Something

     I have a tooth ache. I have anxiety. I feel sick. Migraines, migraines, migraines. I forgot my ibuprofen. My dog ate my homework. My aunt is sick. My grandmother died. My pet ran away.

My boss called my into her office recently and after talking for a while she asked me, "Is everything okay? Is something going on?" I kinda laughed and said I'm fine so we could continue the conversation.

The truth was I wasn't fine at all, I had a bad anxiety attack at work and was barely able to breathe while we were talking but that didn't matter...once I found out I wasn't in trouble or anything was wrong. Part of my anxiety was that conversation, the boss asked me to see her in her office "at the end of the day"

     After the conversation, I thought about that question. No I'm not okay, I'm going through something. I'm just about always going through something whether it's a migraine or anxiety or whatever, always something.

And the reason that question is important is because of a few things I'm trying to do in life right now. I'm trying to do things that uplift others and create positivity in my own currently broken heart and
that is no easy task with something always going on. But I know I need to keep going, I need to fight through all the 'somethings' and try.

     One night recently, I was on instagram and saw a celebrity who took a picture and hid it somewhere. Jason Lee taped it to a stop sign and someday someone's gonna find it. If he signed it, they're gonna get a personal photo from the voice of Syndrome...or if it was me, Brody from Mallrats (my favorite Kevin Smith movie, make fun if you want) and how cool would it be to find something like that.

     So that instantly inspired me to do something similar, although my fame is quite limited compared to...well anyone. Just finding a photo from me isn't exactly something that anyone would love to find
just because BUT if I wrote a letter to someone maybe I can uplift someone somehow. That thought grew into writing a letter to a stranger that they might possibly need to read.

     So I thought about this country and where so many people are. Depression, anxiety, suicide, mentally just beaten from every direction...everyone needs to hear that they're worth it. I don't know one person who doesn't need a little pick-me-up from kinda no one.

     So I wrote a letter that I would like to find and read myself and I put it in a zip locked bag. Then I wrote another and put it in a zip locked bag. So far it's been rainy so I've only had the chance to hide one but my plan is to make many more of these letters and hide them in random places.



     I want to grow a trend of helping people in a way that I might not be able to in person, sometimes if someone is standing there, people feel the need to put on a show and act like they appreciate acts more than they actually feel. It's a mask of sorts and that can completely ruin the actual meaning behind it all.

If someone randomly finds a letter that says, "You're worth it even though life sucks sometimes." hopefully they won't feel like they need to thank anyone or act like they're okay and they can truly receive the blessing.





     Getting back to the beginning, there's always going to be something that can stop me and they're always going to at least sound legitimate. I don't want to let them stop me from doing the only thing I know I can do, try to help people even in some small way.

     And since I am writing this as a reminder of updates when I can't remember things later in life, here's a life update:

     I'm planning a trip with my cousin and a friend next year, one I desperately need. It's been hard to start saving money but as my cousin says, in 6 months I won't care that today I couldn't get that soda I wanted or even missed a meal.

     I've been moving toward living as Layla full time, using that name at work openly and doing more things little by little. I recently stopped going to the church I've been going to for 18 years and have been looking for a new one. It sucks to not have those friends but I can't live a lie anymore because my 'friends' will be offended or not agree with my life decisions.

     I've been working toward writing a story and I hope to start the actual writing process very soon. It's been i my head for over 10 years and it's well developed but needs to be refined a little more.

     And lastly, I was joking with a friend, we decided as a joke to make our own board game...and then I decided to try to actually make it. It's really fun to come up with ideas and have a blank canvas to work with.

Final thought:
     I'm trying to make the best of what my life is at this point. I don't know how long I can keep pushing but I want to strike while the iron is hot and do the best I can.

Thanks for reading and remember...you're worth it.