Baby Steps, Baby Steps...

     If you pictured Bill Murray or Richard Dreyfuss because of the title, we can be friends.

OK so my last post detailed just how bad it can get when I get stuck in the depths of my mind and while none of that is solved or completed, I am trying to deal with those thoughts and move ahead in life. Right now the only thing I can o is take small steps toward being a tiny bit better than I was yesterday, that's how you get better from illness and that's how you become a better person.

     The funny thing is I'm learning that my transition is very much a slow and drawn out process, it's not a "I'll take a pill or a needle and tomorrow I'll be completely done and ready to go out into the world as a finished product." I'm learning that as I transition physically, I'm changing mentally and spiritually and emotionally probably a lot more than any physical difference that even will occur (and that's a lot since I'm going to eventually look very differently)

     A week ago, I was feeling ready to pack it in and give up on life, I felt dead alive. The Walking Dead has a deep theory that the zombies are not the walking dead, the people are.

I felt/feel like I'm walking dead at times and whether it's because I'm losing friends or because the stress of work is too great or because I don't have a life or because I let anxiety take my ambition away or...about a thousand other things, I don't even see myself as 'alive' most of the time.

     Well, I've been trying to take some baby steps lately. As of May 26th 2018, I started on anti depressants. My first day went decently and today (Sunday the 27th) was rather eventless so you could call it a not bad day.  I hung out with a very good friend for a while and that was great but aside from that, I basically sat around all day.

I got off topic there...

So baby steps:

     I started taking medicine, I have taught myself how to do things that anxiety has stopped me from (like using the phone for a long time), I've been trying to change my attitude and the way I think about certain things, I've been trying to do things for other people more and I've been trying to take attention away from negativity in my own head and focus more on positive things.

I wish I had some answers to these attempts or deeper thoughts but I either just started or just re started these so only time will tell how I deal with everything. I can say I have hope and despite the things that could push me over  the edge, I am focusing on the future and on helping others...I pray that God shows me what my path is and that I remember Him in my thoughts more and more.

Thanks for attention, please feel free to share your thoughts or experiences.