I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts and pressure for as long as I can remember, I'm going to outline and share some of my life leading up to this moment. At a very young age, I can remember realizing that it was possible to opt to end life rather than continue suffering. At about 8 years old I remember one day when I was sent to my biological father's room while my mother and he argued. Now at the time all I thought about was that I could watch the movie that I was told I wasn't allowed to watch, THEM.
I started being sneaky and enjoying my movie when I heard yelling, it was normal at first as I've heard parents fighting many times. I remember turning the tv up in disgust and eventually started doing the opposite and listening to the fight, like the stereotypical little kid sitting at the top of the stairs paying full attention to his parents fight
I was entertained in a morbid way for a while but it turned so negative when someone threw something or broke something. That scared me straight out of my seat and I ran back to his room. I remember being in there, panicking and pacing around the room, thinking what if one hurts the other or what if they leave me there alone or the police show up...etc.
In my fear and panic and anger, I started trying to think of a way out (at the time I had no idea what that meant, I wasn't thinking about dying exactly, I just didn't want to be there right at that moment) then I heard the yelling and breaking get louder and I looked at the window of my biological father's room and decided to jump out. I thought it would stop the fight or I'd get away from it; either way it was a way out of that moment.
Looking back, I was deciding to die rather than finishing that night out. That was the first time death had become an option in my mind, subconsciously, and it still is one of the most prominent memories I have defining my childhood and my blood parents in my life. So there's my introduction to suicide before I even knew what it was or the actual impact it had on my psyche even now.
Later in life, I had moved around many times and had to deal with finding out my biological father didn't want me and finding out he had other kids he had eliminated form his life and my mom had come to a point where she chose her boyfriend over me. I moved in with my Uncle and a new phase in my life begun, starting a whole wild and deeply scarring tragic section of my life.
My teen years, my high school years and the beginning of my romantic life all SUCKED. I mean the worst things that could have happened did exactly that. High school was as bad as it could have been between being invisible to the people that mattered to me and being made fun of by the people who mattered to the people that mattered to me and the fact that I was painfully shy and introverted in most situations, I couldn't win for winning. Looking back at my Riverside High school time, I an't think of one minute I was happy to be there or even okay with myself in any way.
The only romances I experienced were: a girl I had a crush on for years and never got the courage to even tell her (which was the right choice, Kelly never would have been interested in me) and the girl I eventually dated, which was because she was the only girl that would date me. We were absolutely not right for each other and ended one night when she threatened to kill herself because of me, a lie to try to manipulate me. So...there's my high school years as a student and boy.
Now as a family member through that same time it was a scary time to be human. My Uncle was barely around, which later showed me he was addicted to drugs. My grandmother was constantly drunk and abusive, which had been forced into the motherly role in her 60's and then the random other family members who came to stay at my Uncle's house when they had nowhere to go. And since it was easier to pretend they all didn't exist, I escaped into hockey and didn't do anything else.
Skip ahead a few years later, I had just gotten into church and was trying again in life. It was a very late start but it was huge that I was actually trying. So I went tot a snow camp with my church, on the way back I experienced the most emotional and sweet time I've ever known in my short time on earth. We get back and I helped my friends get their stuff from the bus and walked back to my house on cloud 9, I'm feeling like I can take on anything...and then...I found what I was asking for but was NOT ready for at all.
To make this long story a little shorter, I found out my Uncle had attempted suicide while I was away. He survived that night although I didn't stay to find that out then, I found out the next morning and my great friends took me to the hospital to see him. But at the time I went from the highest I've ever been emotionally to the worst point I could imagine (and this is a life where I was at a few really low points so to say I went to the lowest means a lot)
Skipping many years later, I have been dealing with suicidal desires for years and have since dealt with a second and ultimately successful attempt by my Uncle to end his life AND a close friend who committed suicide.
Here's where the selfishness comes in: there is a part of me that has been wanting to get out of the life that I destroyed years ago and have been barely living. Ya know the saying, "you made your bed, now time to lie in it" well that's where I was and I thought seriously about just killing myself and ending the pain I have been taking over and over for years. I used the metaphor of a boxing match as my life for years and that was not worth continuing.
In 2013 on my birthday it hit me that my Uncle was gone and I had no one that loved me (I'm not talking about friends, have the best friends I could possibly have) and I had to celebrate my birthday, which I have NEVER had to celebrate without my Uncle. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted to go to sleep and just never stop dreaming and never have to get up and deal with the people in my life, and never deal with the negativity that seemed and seems inevitable and I didn't want to have to be an adult and do things with just no help mentally.
There are other parts to my psychology suicidally but selfishness is definitely part of it all.
I'm still here though and that's pretty big...to be continued
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