The Suicide Journal: Drive vs. Depression

     It's Wednesday July 29th at 3:21 am and I'm torn between hope and despair. What's new, right? Well the answer to that is...nothing. I'll start with the negative to get it out of the way then go with the positive.

     The negative is that lately things seem to be collapsing on me, and the worse part is it seems to be happening in slow, motion. My life monetarily reminds me of Mario Bros, the moment you jump off an edge and realize immediately that you're not going to make it to the other side. At the moment you're alive but you know you're going to die in a few moments and no matter what you do it's not going to fix things.

My job has gone from something I really enjoy (as much as one can enjoy a job) to something that drives me bonkers in the worst way. I'm a cashier who is reliant on customers to want to pay for upgrades to memberships, if they do not and I don't sell many then I get in trouble. I don't have the heart to sell it to people who wouldn't benefit from it, I'm clearly not a salesman at heart. My only desire is to help people and for a while that translated into enough sales to keep my bosses happy but recently it just hasn't so...unhappy bosses equals unhappy employee.

     And depression has been growing stronger recently too. In some ways I've become more introverted than I have been in years. I've worked very hard to get away from introverticity (all rights reserved, new word) and to have that deep painful feeling that makes me unable physically to speak to certain people or at certain times is just plain annoying. I feel like there's a piece of metal sewn to my lips when I want to talk to certain bosses or any time I have to interrupt anyone. Ohhh THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I wish I could just break through that permanently, anyone else feel that way? For a long time I thought I was the only person on the planet to get that feeling.
     My non existent life is getting to me more and more too. It's like if I had something to look forward to then things like my job or my unluck at stupid games or whatever would not be nearly as painfully maddening to me. I don't mean looking forward to things like...a day trip or something like that anymore, I need something bigger and important to me to look forward to. I feel like ten years ago day trips to NYC or Philly would have been enough to keep my heart going but now? Now I just plain need more.

     Want a great example of my need for something to look forward to in a way? Ok, take any day off and give me no plans: I get up whenever and maybe lay in bed for a few hours reading and rereading my friends' facebook status' over and over then eventually I may get up and play a video game or eat a snack and then maybe I'll go out if someone texts me and basically begs me to do something. Now take that same day and give me something to make me feel important, babysitting or someone wants my help with something: I get up early, eat, get a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, ride my bike to wherever I need to go and do what it takes to get the job done. But alas...I'm usually doing the first option here.

     Ok now that the negative thoughts are out of the way, I'll get to the positive. I've always had one thing that has kept me going, one thing that has been such a strong passionate desire that it has been easily twice as strong as any depression in me: the desire to find "the one". A while ago I started kinda losing that, which made the depression quite a bit stronger. Last night I got a weird feeling that I haven't had in a long time, I thought hard about the "girl of my dreams"

     I'm in love with this girl, she's the most beautiful natural red head who has a very creative artistic side, who's quirky, who is not pushy or too aggressive but is in no way a push over either, she's got walls built up emotionally that hides her overzealous romantic side that not many (if any) have seen, she can do pretty much anything and have a good time, at times she can be the most optimistic person alive and at times needs me to be that for her, she's broken in some ways and she's unbreakable in some ways and she's deep and gorgeous to me no matter what. As specific as that is, I have no idea who or where she is or if she even exists.
     That's the strongest driving force I've ever experienced and I'm torn between how much I love her before even knowing her and the thought that she doesn't exist and I'm worthless without her.

     This is another late night rant that hopefully helps the positive in me to outweigh the negative.