I used to view myself as a metaphor, a boxing match.
Credit: Julie Snyder
I used to have a fight in me that was like an optimistic boxer, that never give up attitude even when taking blows or not having the upper hand. I saw my life as a grudge match that in the end would leave me scarred and brain damaged to the point of no return, but there would be some moral victory because I would have had something to show for it like a family or a career or some great legacy that I'd leave behind. So far, the 33 years I've been on planet Earth have not proven any of this to be true so...
My self image changed over a few years. I decided somewhere along the lines that maybe the reason things never went well for me were that I was cursed, like maybe I had some good looking and deep soul hidden under a rough scary exterior that freaked people out. That's where my self image changed into that of another cursed character: Angel.
Credit: Joss Whedon's Angel
Angel was a character that got a spin off show from the Joss Whedon TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, his back story portrayed him as a good guy who was turned into this evil creature and someone he hurt as this evil creature caught him and put a curse on him that he'd basically be the good guy he truly is but be hurt knowing what he's done as a vampire. He stopped doing evil things, denying himself of the pleasure he craves, with one stipulation: if he experiences true happiness the curse will break and he'll become the evil creature he doesn't want to be.
So I thought for a while I looked at myself like a great person who was cursed. I have social awkwardness that I cannot understand or explain fully, I have constant in-my-face abandonment issues that haunt me day and night, I have the inability to make the right decisions (when I decide to do something I find out I should not have and when I don't do something, I realize too late that I should have done said thing) and I've been hampered by a slew of childhood trauma that still cripples me today.
All of these have made me somewhat hard to get close to and each thing makes me want to be close to people (mainly someone to love and be loved by) but the longer that doesn't happen, the worse each issue gets. Example: I have abandonment issues so I try to find someone to love and when I get rejected the abandonment feeling gets worse which makes it hard for me to try but the more I don't try, the worse it gets. The more I feel further from love, the further I am able to be to anyone and the abandonment issues become even worse. Oh and one of the keys to this philosophy is that the best way to love someone is to keep them away from me. Just like David Boreanaz's character.
For a while I connected my problems with the idea that I am something worth love stuck under a curse...but...the problem with that mentality is it glorifies me in a way that I'm not. That gave me this thought that I deserve someone to love me because I am a good looking guy with good thoughts and a good personality, which I do not and I am not. I am not some saint that has no blame in his situation other than the repercussions that come from everything.
I used that to take no responsibility and because of that, I lived a fake life. I only experienced things through tinted glasses that showed me what I wanted to see.
The Office's Steve Carell
For a while I thought that but time, rejection and failure clobbered a lot of that ideology in me. The thought that I was a good person, that I wasn't as ugly as I thought gave me a hope that someone would see through the curse and give me a real chance. They'd have to see through my mistakes and ugliness and emptiness and desperation and awkwardness...but that's only if there's something under that anymore. I feared bitterness had dissolved the positivity in me and life was/is absolutely not worth it because of that.
Suicide became a theme in my life for a while, other people's and my attempts. I figured if the only way to love people is to keep them away from myself than an even better way to love my friends is to take myself out of the equation. I didn't and don't want to end myself but if all I do is hurt others and all I do is ruin things for everyone and anyone else, than the greater good is more important, right?
...that makes sense, right? That is logical and I get to be a hero...in my mind. People would be hurt for a few days, maybe a few weeks then move on and I would have removed my future ruination of their lives. Makes sense....RIGHT??! (I know, it makes sense in an illogically logical way and not a smart mentality to follow)
Through a near death and a promise I made, I came to the conclusion that I will not end myself. Little things got a tiny bit better and I thought maybe life would get better
Little things started going in my favor in small ways and I started to unclench a little. I even started trying things new things more (including online dating and trying to talk to girls more) I EVEN started to have a self image better than the previous ones for a little bit. To make a long story a little less long, I met someone online and even considered that I might have had a chance at being happy with her...
Then I ruined it...and the worst part is it wasn't because of some curse or some ugliness that I'm hidden under. It was because I am a monster. I'm an ugly, scarred, bitter, hurt, rude person. I let her see the real me (which everyone says 'be the real you') I hurt her with my self image, my inability to love or be loved, my abandonment issues and my so strong desire to be with her that I strangled her in a matter of a two hour text conversation.
So I sit here now...knowing that I am not cursed, cursed means there was something beautiful covered by ugliness...I am not cursed, I am just disgusting and...and...so, so alone. I'm not entirely sure what to do now, go live in a cave somewhere? Move away and just not get to know anyone so no one can be hurt by me? Try to fill my void by buying things and doing enviable things? And the momentary million dollar question: should I hurt Delilah (not her real name) at the moment by cutting her off in order to save her from me in the future? Do I love her the only way I know how and scare her away?
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