July 20th 2018 A memory and Some Stray Thoughts

     So I have a few fond memories that have been running around in my mind and a few other thoughts to share. Hopefully future me understands the mess of words I make here.

I'll start with the memory:

     Last night, I watched the Lion King on my wall with my projector. It started out where I just found all the movies on my hard drive and put them on random; Lion King was the first up and as it started, it quickly became apparent that this movie needs to be watched in giant fashion. Once up on the wall, it brought back the memory of the first time I ever saw that movie.

     My biological father (boy, I just LOVE bringing that barely-human up) saw that I had made some money and announced in front of my sister that I would pay for her to see the new Disney movie that she was dying to see. At that moment, I wanted to stare him to death like Lily did in How I Met Your
Mother. My little sister was absolutely unstoppably happy at that thought and before I could even finish being manipulated we we at the movie theater...in line for tickets...being paid for by me...NOT by my choice.

     We went in and I was so angry but I tried my best to seem OK for my sister, I really did like it when we got along so I went in and we started watching it. In the dark, I was sitting there pouting as Jonathan Taylor Thomas made fun of Mr. Bean and then Simba sang about being king some day...you know the movie.

     So the scene where Scar tells Simba to run because he just killed his dad, (that's who I saw as my biological father then and now. An evil, cowardly creep who refuses to do anything even slightly honorable) that got me hooked and I saw little sister really loving being there.

     I really loved being able to share the moment of her seeing that movie for the first time with her. By the end, neither of our eyes were dry and we both loved it. Last night I re-lived watching it on a big screen and it  was kinda like watching it for the first time again in a way.

     Life update: July 20th 2018

I've been doing A LOT better in the department of depression and suicidal thoughts for months now.
I haven't had a single thought about death in long enough that I can't remember the actual last time. I don't have a frame of reference to go back to in my entire life to remember when I was at this point. Ever.

     I have learned not to treat anything like it has no power even when it's stronghold on my mind seems to release a little, that's when it seems to come back strong. I'm not going to treat this like a victory but I am going to try to take more steps and do things that depression held me from. I'm not fully sure I know what that is but I can think of a few things that I've mentally held myself back from. My hope is that I read this in the future and see this as at least one turning point toward better things.

          I truly must give thanks to God for where my life is going and the ability to not give up before. It wasn't my steength or faith in me that got me this far. I secondly give thanks and respect to the friends, both online and in person, that have helped me get to a point where I cansmile a real smile. I'm not a finished product but this is a great place to actually work from as opposed to where I could be right now.

Thanks for staying with me this far and I promise it'll be worth your time by the end.