This is where I live

     I try very hard to fight through the negativity in my life, I try to smile my way past those everyday things that happen and I try to remember my goal in life (make other people's life better, event if it's one person at a time in even very small ways) and it honestly seems like every time I take a step in that direction, something happens that COMPLETELY destroys anything I've put together. Completely. Sometimes it's my fault like I make a bad choice and just make things in my life worse and the rest of the time it's like I just get a bad hand in life and I lose.

     I fully acknowledge that I make wing choices and do things that lead to failure. I take responsibility for things that I do that result in my life's non success, not just failure because failure refers to losing our logically bad or wrong things. I have been taught by a lot of people throughout my life that it is cowardly to not take responsibility for my mistakes, sins and won't choices. I also know that sometimes wrong choices aren't "sins" but rather just the not right thing in that moment, like if o choose to either l write something in pen and make a writing error. I made the wing choices in not using a pencil but I didn't do something bad, I just could have made a better decision.

     Then there are luck based situations, for lack of better words, that I just lose with most of the time. Things like: I go to the train station early and the machine that dispenses tickets didn't accept dimes and then the train comes early. I know that everyone faces these situations, but I have this weird curse where logic plays weird games with me more than normal. I have things happen like I'll pull on a paper towel and logic tells me the pretreated line will be where it rips... For normal people; my curse causes it to rip in such an odd way like it'll rip right around where I'm holding it.
   
This is a silly example but imagine every time you ever rip a paper towel, it rips in the worst way possible, how maddening that can get over time. That's where I live. Now imagine this weird logic happening with a lot of areas in life, like every time you hang a picture on your wall something catches the nail to make it uneven, no matter how many times you re adjust it. That's where I live.

These things wouldn't be so bad if there was something big that made hassles worth the trouble but I don't have much of anything to hinge my troubles on; I don't have a girlfriend/wife/prospect of a love interest, no kids, no career that makes it all worth it, no passion that I can't afford and nothing I'm looking forward to really. Knowing there's nothing that I come"home" to makes all these weird things feel ski much more...aimed...yeah aimed sounds like the best word, these things feel aimed at me.

     In fact, the only thing that I even have to look forward to is the thing that is going to alienate me from an amount of close friends...I have no way to end this because at the moment I'm at a loss for words. So I'm asking for prayers and hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope things stop getting worse at some point

     Hope you have a great day.