Can I tell you a story?

 

When I was 6 years old (I'm 40 now) I moved to this apartment complex. The first day, I went with my mom and her boyfriend to check the place out.

 I wandered away bc that's what I've always done and I saw a playground across the street.

I was about to go there and a little kid started to run across the street right when a car was speeding by. I pulled him back and saved his life.

Just then a girl ran over and yelled his name. And I still remember that moment like it was yesterday.

Her perfect golden hair flies as she ran and she had on a white sweat shirt with a pink decorative heart on it.

I knew in that moment I was in love with her...at 6 years old. 

We moved there and I ended up living in the apartment right under hers, she and I became best friends and I loved her like no one else. I truly thought she was 'the one' 

Even when I moved and didn't have contact with her, I remember thinking, 'this is only an obstacle, a growing up lesson but someday we'll find each other and it'll be the perfect love story' and I really expected that to be how it went.

I went to middle school, highschool and every single day I thought, 'maybe today or next week or next school year she'll randomly show up' not only did I not doubt this but I "knew" it was going to happen.

Then things went crazy and I got scared. There was abuse, drugs, people were threatening me and people around me, life really was insane and I had to move.

I moved to this small terrible town, I had no friends, I had no reason to think life was going to be liveable. BUT...There's that girl out there somewhere.

I knew I had to stay alive, I had to succeed, I had to save her. It drive me to not attempt suicide multiple times, just the thought I'd that girl looking for me and finding out I was dead. I absolutely couldn't do that to her. "She's the one." 

Depression hit me really hard, I was stuck in a world with drug addicts, drunks and a school built to ruin people like me. I started to doubt that one true love for the first time in my senior year of highschool. 

I was kicked out of school by the principal, I had no plan and still had my family there, two drunks and one drug addict.

I thought all life was is you either are a drink or you get abused by a drunk...nothing else.

I fought hard to get away from things like drugs and a lie kind of life, started going to church and in 2012 I did a thing that I thought was finally that thing that was gonna change my life.

I wrote letters to the people with that girls name. Like, I hand wrote 3 letters and sent them to people with her name in hopes that one of them was her. I had no idea if she lived in any of those locations or is she was even still alive. I still had that strange confidence that she and I were meant to be.

Long story short: one of them was her and she wasn't interested in anything I had counted on. She was in a long term relationship at the moment (which ended a little while after we stopped talking)

And as much as I still don't want to admit this, we had some connecting similarities but we also had some very very big differences that probably would have broken us up if we did get together.

Anyway, since then I've been just kinda floating around on this rock. No plan, no destiny, no one to save our to save me.