What do I think it me. I think about this question, the reason for why I think the way I do and I often wonder how close I am too the truth. Like, I'm sure my view is bent in a direction and I can't even conceive of things any other way; we all have opinions that no one could change our minds about.
Be warned, this is going to be brutal honesty and will have language, mention violence and is going to be just plain mean about me. Don't read is you can not handle the darkness that feels in me every minute of every day.
I think I am the worst being that God has ever created. I don't mean living right now or excluding actual monsters...I mean I believe that there has never been a creation that has ever been worse than three I've typing this journal entry right now. Worse than Hitler, Ted Bundy and even the Pittsburgh Penguins. (If I don't add some kind of humor right now, I might actually break down)
If there was some sort of measurement of how worthless, horrible and unlovable everything ever created, every single thing would be above me. And not by just a little bit. For example, I truly believe that if Jeffrey Dahmer were resurrected today, changed his lifestyle and was on a social media platform, he could convince people to live him BEFORE I could be loved or worth anything. I believe that Hitler has made more of a positive impact on this universe than I ever could. I always tell friends and acquaintances that they deserve love, they can beat positive force in this universe and they cannot make a difference. I tell them that and I mean it with my full heart. If anyone ever read this who has heard any of this from me, it is true. I believe every ounce of that...for you. If you have never met me and you're reading this, I have enough faith that you can do so much good here to move mountains. And I have the same amount of faith in the fact that I am the most worthless garbage that has ever roamed this earth.
I know that sounds bad, and I wish I could defend it in a way that you'd understand...but I can't. I'll try but the majority can't understand what it feels like to realize just how bad I am.
There are people who have never met me, people who will never interact with me who are negatively affected by the curse that is me. Every friend I've ever had, everyone I've ever let into my personal life and everyone who has ever tried to help me or invited me into their life has felt a touch of my curse and has left me or backed away from me. And what I have seen with my own eyes is when people are around me, thru are cursed; things happen that no one can explain and it's always on the negative side of luck. And as soon as they cut me out or step away from me, that curse leaves with me. They don't always want to admit it because it's not nice to say but the truth is the truth. My mere existence hurts people down to their soul.
Now, I've wrestled with this thought so much it's insane: every week, every day, every single second that I'm here, everyone on earth is hurt in some way. Whether it's deeply like losing money from cars breaking down mysteriously and frequently or small ways like suddenly things happen that hit them right in the heart...it always happens and always gets better the moment they walk away from me.
So why do I think this, you say? Well from the moment I was born I was thrown around from adult to adult. No one wanted me and I was a burden to literally everyone who had to deal with me. I don't mean like I was a terrible two kinda kid, it was just the fact that they were stuck with me ruined their life. I've heard multiple people (my birth father being the first one of many) say they didn't want me when asked to take care of me or add me to their life in any way.
I'm 40 years old and I still remember the inflections in his voice when my biological father said on the phone he didn't want me. He was asked to take me in when I was...4? I think I was 4. I ended up being forced on him when I was 5 and staying there about 3 years before he couldn't stand me and forced my biological mother to take me. During that time, I had a best friend. Benji. Benji and I were best friends, I looked at him and thought he was going to be my life long partner in crime at every age. I knew him for 9 years, we were born at the same time and always got the same presents and lived 25 seconds away from each other. I moved away and THE FIRST weekend I went back to visit; not even 7 full days later, the first thing I did was went to Benji's house and he had his friends there and he told me (in 8 year old vernacular) that I wasn't welcome in his group. I walked around the corner to my biological fathe's house devastated. I looked at Benji like he was the best friend I had...and it took him less than 7 days to completely move on from my friendship too the point where I couldn't even come back and enter his friends circle.
I remember so many different times like this and started to realize that every time some one had me in their life, things got considerably worse for them. And they thrived in such a great way when I left or when they took me out of their e life quation.
I know it sounds mean but...the facts don't lie. And then when I got a little older I noticed a new curse, any time I met someone who I truly had feelings for ended up meeting 'the one' as soon as they got away from me. This course is a one hundred percent full proof curse (or blessing of you're someone I've had real feelings for ever)
I don't believe anyone has ever actually loved me romantically so I can't really say that anyone has ever had to live me in order to get this blessing but I can say that every single person over ever had true feelings for (100% not 99.9%) is married right now and happy. Every. Single. One. And even the most recent interest of mine, I recently overheard she is getting married. Someone who never have me one second of positive attention, who I truly had deep feelings for...getting married.
So looking at all this, three only way I could be any kind of positive force in this universe is when my heart gets absolutely shredded. And as much as I can handle emotionally, that's probably one of the few things I can't handle. I don't think I can handle one more heart break, not even one more. Anna with that being said, it seems logical that every day that I'm still alive, I'm hurrying an entire universe. Every day I exist, people are feeling the curse that haunts me. And every time I take the air, physical time and space from potentially someone else, I'm selfishly wasting life energy that someone else deserves. I'm hurting people who will have no interaction with me, people who live in other countries somehow are affected by the curse that is me.
And when I'm gone? Cures will be invented, grass will stay green and everyone in the whole world will just feel better. Everyone and everything in the entire world will heal and live and be...better. My grotesque, cursed, destructive existence will not be here to infect anything.
I have no idea what to do with this information that runs through my head day and night and it's on another realm or another plane of existence, so it's not the surface level or anything but on some level, this is what's here. I would be crying right now but my black dead heart has run out of tears, I've cried about this fact so many times as a kid and young adult. I'm just empty, like I ran out of hurt. It's a thousand times worse than hurting, knowing that it's so bad that if the idea of pain was personified it would be too hurt to go on based on how much brokenness is in me. Since no one will actually read this, I can't apologize and honestly I don't think there are words that would do justice anyway, I guess I shouldn't even try. At least it's written that I know and I am living in sorrow for all humanity and all of existence. I will try to distance myself from all things living, dead and other in your honor. Maybe not physically but on some realm I promise to try to get far enough from everyone and everything to limit the hurti would inflict on it all. You all.
On this realm, I'm going to try my greatest to do more good than harm no matter how ties I am or how much it takes out of me. If I go full speed ahead, trying to add positive force until I burn out and destroy myself and never try find out expect anything good to come my way, maybe that will counter my curse on this universe.
The end?
No comments:
Post a Comment