Positivity and Toxicity

     So it's a new year. It's that time of year when I reject the word that shall not be spoken, probably somewhat because I am a hipster who fights popularity but also because I resolve myself to do things regularly throughout the whole year in short bursts. 

This particular year things happen to have occurred at this exact time and I'm going to make some decrees right now, so...I guess you could say I'm making "a resolution"...I guess

     Since late November, negativity has been growing both in me and toward me. On the outward side, I've had my hours cut at work by a boss who made up reasons to make me look worse than I am to either hurt me financially or get me fired, I've said goodbye to my closest friends and watched them start a new chapter in their life which I am predicting will end my part in their life as a close friend, I've had people I thought were my friends show their true colors about me in a really disrespectful way, I've lost a good amount of the passion that makes me who I am and it's getting really really hard to be patient with my transition that is going slower than molasses.

I've explained or will explain most of these in other diary entries but to list out ALL the stuff I've dealt with JUST SINCE LATE NOVEMBER...it's been a rough few weeks. And that's just the last few weeks, the previous 47 weeks weren't much better.

     Some of these things and some of the negativity that happens is unavoidable, it's part of life, but some of that can be fixed in the future. My goal for the near future is to start from within and
examine all of the negativity that passes through my life and work on what I CAN work on. I know my attitude needs to be better, that's something I can work on starting today and constantly reshape.

Being more honest, open and friendly even when I don't necessarily want to be is another thing I am going to start immediately. These are just a few traits I am looking at that can help change the negativity that has been destroying my soul, things I can do completely for free and no matter what happens each day.

     And my next big piece to eradication of negativity in my life comes in the form of toxicity.

The definition of toxicity is the quality, state or relative degree of being poisonous. And that is EXACTLY what has been in my life in the form of some people. AND I am currently doing what it takes to change my life so that toxicity and drama is farther and as far from me as I can keep 'em.

Now I'm going to explain that I am in no way changing my stance on freedom to disagree with me or my decision. I have many friends who do not agree with my decision to transition, they don't condone my actions and I respect their freedom to make that choice just as much as they respect my choice to do what I believe is right for me to survive and be happy in my life.

To explain what I'm not okay with, I'll use an example here: I don't care if someone refuses to use the gender pronoun I prefer, that's their choice and I won't force someone to do something they find wrong morally. But when someone goes beyond that and uses gender pronouns or uses my (soon to be former) male name in an effort to insult or hurt me or as a fight against me, that's what I will not tolerate in my personal bubble.

This does not mean I will do anything physical, this does not mean I or anyone else should be allowed to do anything physical. I am NOT saying anything even close to that, violence will never be a legal or moral answer to rudeness, misgendering, 'dead naming' or anything like that. This means I am not allowing the people that use their freedom as nothing more than an insult or a verbal fight at me to enter my personal bubble. Those people won't get  responses from me when they text me, they won't get answers to calls and they won't get my time or energy to explain how they are hurt me.
Those people don't deserve that, not when they betrayed me even after I opened up in the most vulnerable and honest and respectful way possible.


...okay....that was a pretty harsh rant. Give yourself a gold star if you've read this far.

     The positive part is...here...Okay so here's the where I reflect on the good stuff and mention want I want to continue to focus on and/or work harder on.

-My cousin has been an absolute inspiration, without him I don't even want to imagine where I'd be and it's really important to me that I help him when I'm able. I don't really have many...err any reasons to get up in the morning lately, so to  try to make his life better in ways kinda makes that a little less sad. It's more selfish than it sounds, don't be too surprised.

-So I'm not a gamer at all, I've had a ps2 for years and loved it but found it was FINALLY time to move up. I bought a ps3 and borrowed a few games. I'm loving having it and all the perks that I haven't had before. Again, go easy on me...I'm wayy behind the times. I do that on purpose; I could save up and go get a ps4 or XBox 1 this year but I'll wait a few years for that.

-I've been trying very very hard to be more honest in everyday life. It's not easy to say things when I find myself in situations where telling coworkers things that will help in the long run but in the moment aren't easy...that probably sounded confusing but I promise it makes sense and it's a really good thing.

-I have a board (I'm using it as a portable desk kind of thing) that I glued small photos of everyone and everythi9ng I love onto for about 11 years and I gave it away to one of the most special and importasnt people in my life as a going away present; now I have a new board and I'm working on decorationg it. Here's to the next 11-15 years, though I doubt I'll meet anyopne that means as much as Tre Dizzle.

Ok, I'm sure there's more but I'm gonna stop before I write a novel and end up missing the next 7 days of work in the process...stay tuned for more written antics in the near future...