It's ironic how quick things can go from successfully going well...to EVERYTHING IS DYING NOTHING WORKS EVERYTHING IS FAILING AT ALL TIMES AND EVERYONE NEEDS EVERYTHING THAT'S CLEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO OBTAIN RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!
Context:
Not too long ago, I was on top of things. I had a little extra money because I was successfully saving a little at a time and had a little bit built up, work was going really well, I had a routine of waking up and eating better than worse, my little anxieties were loosening their hold on my daily life, I had a support system of friends who I saw regularly, I had a solid plan for my future and I had a church that I felt comfortable walking into when the doors were open.
Over a relatively short time:
- a few friends moved (or are moving), some have taken me out of their life and some have made it clear that I'm not welcome in their future, some have just drifted away from me (intentionally) and some just don't reply anymore.
- I have this knack for putting myself in the worst situations in the worst times and usually I choose the worst thing to do at those moments. I did that recently when I had a Dr's appointment and ALL I NEEDED TO DO was bring medicine that I have had in my possession for weeks (I was supposed to start this medicine a month ago but needed to get instructions on how to use it and between suddenly getting a lot of days in a row at work and getting migraines again at almost full force, I haven't been able to start)
I just needed to bring the medicine with me so the day I finally had the ability and time to go, I got everything ready crazy early and basically made a mental checklist over and over for hours before I had to leave. I got all ready and at the last minute, I realized I forgot my bike lock, since my mode of transportation is my bicycle and I was riding to Center City. I grabbed my lock and spilled ALL the contents of my purse out in the act...of course...and guess what I mistakenly did not pick up. Yeah.
It took me about an hour and a half to get there in 84 degree heat with no clouds and very high humidity. Almost 2 hours! And when I went in to get the needles I needed for my new medicine, I realized I didn't have THE ONE THING I NEEDED and tried with all my might not to freak out.
I'll skip over all the minutes of panic that I went through, I had two choices:
A.) I could leave and take the nearly 2 hour ride back in the heat and risk not having another free day for weeks
B.) Or I could have bought a second dose (I had another dose ready since I waited so long to go there) It was $40.00 and I only had about $50.00 for the week, which includes train tickets I needed and food.
I chose B. I just couldn't leave and not have the medicine for even longer.
That's just one thing that recently ate any extra money I had and now I'm regularly short on rent or I end up going four or five days in the negative and I have to sneak on the train to get to work. And this has been my life for a while now; longer than I'm comfortable with...and there's no end in sight for this because the more I hit these walls, the more anxiety hits me harder and depression seems to just take over everything.
Oh and I just found out tthe insurance I have was cut off and they're "reviewing my application" meaning I can't get the migraine medicine and anti depressants that have been keeping me from completely crumbling for a little while now.
No comments:
Post a Comment