Thanksgiving part 1: Before

     So...here we are...it's 2017, almost the end of another year. And maybe it's because I just finished netflix watching a tv show that kinda has always been ther efor me or amybe it's because things are changing or maybe it's just the most painful time of year for me...

     ...but either way, I'm sad.

I'm sad because of all of that, the anniversary of losing my uncle just passed, which is weird because it hits me every day so I thought it shouldn't hit me harder on a certain time.

     Anyway, I have been running on fumes for a while now and a day turns into a week and a week turns into 5 weeks and 2 months turn into a year and so on and so on till you realize you're 35 and not happy... and haven't been for a long time.

But each morning, I can't just not wake up or get up or go to work. I can't just sit in a corner till the house is torn down and be the ghost I feel like I am. So instead I put on a face, I smile and tell people they're better than whatever they are facing and I try to make this world a better place. I try to strike while the iron's hot even when the iron is in the back of the closet, the wire is old and unusable and the ironing board was sold years ago from under the iron's nose...so to speak.

But I try. Ohmygosh, do I try. I don't cry throughout entire days, I try to laugh through a lot of my pain. It worked when I went to funerals for my uncles so it's gotta work for when customers forget theyre talking to a human and treat me like garbage because I don't know the difference between their brand of cigarette and another that's so similar I can't tell the difference even after hearing the explanation...right?

Laughing and joking has to work when I wake up to remember that I've never ever felt anything but hatred that I was born the sex that I am and the wear and tear of pretending to be a typical male for so long has me considering anything to get out of doing that ever again even for a second.

And SURELY laughing has to work when you are invited to a holiday gathering by the greatest friends I could possibly ask for but all I want to do is forget that it's a holiday or that families exist,
I just want to escape into tv shows about ficticious cities in Conneticut or fictional bars in Boston or New York City. It's easier to take my empty life and the pain when I'm watching the worst psychiatrist ever listening to people or watching a doctor say things to patients that I'd LOVE to say to customers at my own job.

     ...so here I am...in 2017, almost 2018...



I am trying my hardest to acknowledge the good in my life wevcen though I'm not very good at it. This is the part where I thank God for the things He's given me.

     I want to thank God for my friends, without whom I would not be where I am. I truly do thank God as much as I can for the people He put in my path. I also am very very thankful for my cousin who is a serious light in my sometimes darkness filled life.