August 3, 2024

 

3 weeks ago, I had only a few cares and no serious worries when it came to my everyday life. And now I have no job, I have to find a place to live (I'm staying at a friend's house for now) I lost a lot of friends over the last 6 months and I can't do anything to even try to make it up to any of them and I pretty much don't trust anything at all at this point.

So the short version is: I was told I need to find a new place to live recently and though I tried to stay in the area, I wasn't able to. It came down to two choices, I was either going to go to Nashville TN or New Jersey and I ended up flight to NJ. In the process of all this, I lost a person I thought was going to be a friend for a long time; which really hurts especially since they believe I was trying to use or take advantage of them. I wouldn't ever intentionally try to hurt anyone who I get that close to.

So I found a moving company (not one I'd recommend, my stuff still hasn't gotten here from Wisconsin and it's been 8 days) a relative was such a blessing by making the move happen. Then I had to make my way and there was a whole thing; I had to take a bus, three trains, had 3 looooong layovers (is that what it's called when you wait at the train station for hours for your train) and finally got to New Jersey. 

Since then I've been applying to jobs, not sure where exactly to apply yet bc I don't know where I'm gonna live. And between some personal stuff, depression and all my lovely inadequacies I've been trying my hardest to not give up. So far it feels like even when I try my hardest to do anything good, even good people want me very far out of their lives. I don't know fully even what I did to two specific people who I'll never get to talk to ever again, both meant the world to me at one point and I hate...HATE when people don't like me. It eats at me when people who don't deserve my time or energy have problems with me, this might kill me.

So now I'm sitting here, with no foundation, no future, no hope is things getting much better and not much for me to fall back on as is to say to myself "at least I have _____." The only things not completely gone are a few really great friends and my TikTok account (although lately it's been very very invisible. 

I'm trying, I really am. I'm just failing in just about every single way and I'm absolutely broken about leaving a place I really liked and it was in the direction I want to be (my goal is to make my way to Minnesota) but now I'm far from where I want to be and fare from anything that feels stable and I feel like I lose something every day.