So I'm here, I'm trans and have been officially medically transitioning for almost a year now. I've told many close friends, some of whom have exited my life or made it clear I'm not welcome in theirs and I've exited their lives. I've been openly moving towards identifying as female by using a new name and dressing differently (small steps mostly, I'm not very confident in my ability to pass as female so wearing dresses or other things has been confined to when I'm alone). I've stepped up a few times and tried to assert my seriousness about my decision and although I am not being so adamant at times, it's only because correcting certain things at certain times isn't going to be a productive action.
And basically since I started, I told some friends that I would not partake in a relationship from now on. I said that my decision to transition puts me a situation where I would be going against one of my personal beliefs by dating anyone.
Before I continue with this thought, I need
to make it clear that these thoughts, beliefs and opinions
are NOT judgments I lay on anyone else. I don't think anyone
should follow my rules or beliefs unless they actually believe
the same thing and I would not judge anyone else based on their
differences in any area that does not harm others. Happiness,
safety, respect, loyalty, and following one's own belief system
are the keys to keeping me from judging.
So if I say I feel as though I am a female, in spirit, that would lead to the guess that I would then be attracted to men. Generally, women date men. Clearly I'm not saying that that's the only possibility but it's the first assumption made when I've told people about my gender identity.
If I were to be attracted to men, my personal belief is that that would constitute as homosexuality. I am biologically male and that is a personal belief that I do not want to break (again, a personal belief ONLY holding myself accountable to, absolutely no one else is or would be wrong for this action, in this exact context) so dating men is already out of the question. And secondly, I am not only not attracted to men but I absolutely adore women. If I was attracted to men, I would not hold this belief so...basically that's not an option.
Now here's the biggest struggle with my transition, I am absolutely attracted to women. In fact that's one of the biggest things that kept me from transitioning for so long, I figured if I was this attracted to biological females and I look male enough then I can just deal with my inner thoughts and feelings without physically doing anything. But in the end of that thought process, I ignored myself to a harmful degree and that nearly pushed me to end myself. Not ideal, not an option.
So I am now, many months into my transition, having an inner struggle that I don't know if there's an outcome here that I'll be okay with:
If I say I identify as a female and I live as a woman then again my personal belief comes into play, meaning I cannot live a homosexual lifestyle and be okay with myself. But on the other hand, I find myself wanting love, affection more and more everyday and having nothing to fill that void with.
This debate I keep wrestling with has been sped up by having a specific person in mind, though it's a person I know for a fact is not even slightly interested in me. And the person isn't really important, the important issue right now is that I am feeling more and more needy for that kind of attention and it's starting to burn kinda badly. For, like, 7 months I was able to shut those 'hopeless romantic' kind of thoughts and feelings off almost completely and suddenly the flood gates seemed to open up recently.
All of this has me thinking thoughts like, "Am I only transitioning because I can't find love?" Or "If I met someone, someone really special, could I accept living a male life for them and for the life I'd be apart of then?" These thoughts are good to have, questioning your beliefs and decisions will either reaffirm your decisions or cause you to potentially make a change you may need to make.
One of the few things about me that made sense before starting my transition was that I have had a deep burning desire to be in a "madly in love" relationship. I relate myself to a "Ted Mosby" type of spirit and that's a very male part of me that's clearly still alive and strong. Not that I'm confessing to being wrong here, I'm not. Even if I do stop transitioning in the future, it won't be a 'wrong' because I would only stop if I knew that I was making the wrong choice.
Two things about this entire rant:
1. I wasn't exactly doing well in the love department...ever as a male. The most "but it's Robin" type of person in my life was a girl who I knew when I was 6, a girl who I searched for over a 20 year span. I made it my life's entire goal to find her and I did. I found her in 2010. And I contacted her, got her phone number and we spent about 2 weeks texting nonstop...then she saw something I said on facebook about my feelings toward her and she completely stopped responding to me. It was completely my fault that I lost any chance and all, I was dumb enough to think she wouldn't see that one random comment even though we were connected on facebook. She wasn't the same girl I knew or the girl I was searching for, I'm not writing this because of her or that issue. The reason I'm bringing this up is to say that's the closest I've ever come to being in love. At 6 years old, I was ready to spend my entire life with this girl and I was so sure that I could have won her heart that I didn't really let myself fall in love with anyone for the next 20 years. I had crushes but in the back of my mind I thought I was made for that girl. So in 2010 when I found her and found out I wasn't 'the one' for her, I had absolutely no path in life. None. That's the closest I've ever come to love, I've been burned by many and left by many and I've regretfully treated a few people very badly and that's the end of my love life as a male for 35 years. So I'm not exactly giving up some great love life by transitioning.
2. I'm so much happier by so many more seemingly little things now than I ever have been. Things like my name and being introduced and being complimented for pretty things, for example. My borther introduced me today as Layla and on the inside I was so proud and honored and happy to hear that name that I couldn't help but smile. I have an inner desire to take care of myself for the first time in my life.
So I have some things to think about and hopefully SOMETHING will clear up for me in some way. I'm gonna stop typing so I can over think and over analyze everything that happens. So...good night all.
Ok, a couple of things to unpack here.
ReplyDelete1. Prior to transition, I'd never even CONSIDERED being with a man, let alone been with one - even just a date. I figured I'd be lesbian - IF I thought about it at all...which, I didn't. My transition had absolutely nothing to do with sex, or love, or ANYTHING involving another person. But, then, well...2 years in, 18 months on hormones, in class at university, a bunch of jocks, normally sitting in the back of class came in late and the professor made them sit in front....in FRONT OF ME dammit. I always sat in the 2nd row. Sweaty, beefy, brain dead jocks. And as I sat there, having to deal with them blocking my view and stinking up the place....I was TURNED ON by their smell...oh MY GODDDD!!!
I have since been with both men and women and enjoy both for very different, and similar reasons. I am NOT suggesting that you will change your closely held beliefs on the rightness or wrongness of it, but be aware that hormones DO change us not just outwardly, but structurally and emotionally. In conversations with others long past transition, this 'epiphany' seems to happen to everyone. Even if they don't choose, because of whatever, to act upon it. That of course brings it's own problems but that is for AFTER, rather than worrying about it before hand.
2. Love and companionship. We are social beings. That applies in the more general interactions in our day to day lives and the specific desire to be intimate (which is different than, but compatible with, sexually engaged). We want that person. I dated during transition but avoided intimacy in all the forms. I wanted the experience without planning or being concerned with dealing with the mechanics, the experience of being with ONE person and focused on them. Transition, mine was 5 years, is, can be, a lonely time. I was VERY active socially because that is my nature - to be very outgoing and gregarious. I had to be honest to that too. Post surgery, I became sexually active for a couple of years before settling down.
Things change. Hormones will change you in ways you can't predict and it will happen over years. Try to be more social - in groups. Having friends you can be yourself with will help. Try not to focus on any one person...unless they are very much 'sibling' types....someone you definitely have no attraction to. I had a 'core' group of 15 that I hung with ALL the time (in person and 4-5 hrs a day online!)
As far as appearances go - take it ONE item at a time. A piece of clothing that makes you feel good. A touch of makeup that YOU notice but most others wouldn't. An earring or piece of jewelry. Until you are comfortable with it on all the time. Then add another. Transition is a process, physically and mentally.
You are doing great! And yes, it is good to keep testing one's beliefs as things change.
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