An Origin Story

     The Suicide Journal has been a very important part of my life for a very long time. Origin story incoming...wait for it...

Many years ago, I had a plan. A plan I'm not proud of nor do I suggest anyone make a similar plan or even consider planning their own end; I made a plan to end myself and make others feel bad for not being good to me all rolled into one spectacular night that would change lives and cause a lot of pain.

I wrote down a note that began as a suicide note and was thinking about how bad I could hurt those who hurt me and in the process, I tried to explain why I ended myself (since the note wouldn't be read until after anything happened, I wrote it in past tense). The explanation  contained things I didn't know I had in me, a desire not to die but to be happy. 

It's easy for someone who hasn't been through suicidal thoughts or convincing depression issues to read that statement that I wanted to be happy and think, "Well DUH!" I understand where that response comes from in a happy life but I can't truly relate, I've never felt that just like those people have never experienced actual depression or suicidal tendencies. So to think I just want to end everything or hurt those who hurt me made full and total sense until that note.

I wrote the words, "I wish I could have found a way to be happy..." and at that moment I realized that the surface truth was I wanted to stop the pain and depression but the deep down truth; the truth I didn't believe I could ever attain wasn't just to stop pain.  I wanted to...I want to be happy. I want to feel comfort and not constant worry or sadness.

It may sound crazy but that note made me think hard and stop the planning, I ended up trying to think about what would put me in the direction of 'happy' It was a very hard night and a very confusing mental debate that night.

     Skipping a few years ahead, my Uncle Mike passed away and I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I was lost, I was hurt, I was...I don't know, I was nearly ready to give up. I wrote down some things in a small note book that I couldn't tell anyone else and in a very weird way I wrote things I didn't know was in my mind. 

The next day, I wrote more. I wrote a letter to my uncle and asked if it was wrong to talk to the dead or to wish I was with dead people; I know that's morbid and I AM NOT SAYING IT'S GOOD TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THESE KINDS OF TERRIBLE THOUGHTS but having them is something worth expressing. I knew I needed to get these thoughts out and started writing every time I felt the need to.                                                                                                                                                                                After a while I realized I formed journal-like entries and scratched "The Suicide Journal" on the front of that notebook.After that I started trying to dissect my feelings and pain, trying to figure out why I was hurt by things that hurt me and why I felt certain feelings. I knew and know that I never wish the pain of feeling suicidal on even my worst enemies and if anyone ever reads my words and is encouraged in any way, it's worth sharing. That became most of my goal and definitely why I started typing and publicly posting my words for others to read.

It's not to glorify suicide or to ever again write an actual suicide note (that's actually a terrifying thought to me), it's to spread the word that if you feel that endlessly scary and terrible feeling of wanting to end it all, you're not alone and those feelings are not real; no matter how convincing they are.

I hope to share The Suicide Journal for a very long time and also share the hope that more people in this world need. If you're reading this, I thank you for investing time in reading and please please know that your time and life is valuable. Never forget that.