Where do I go from here? Good question, right? I've asked that to myself and prayed to God so many times I can't count. I got to the edge, I stared at it, I found some way not to go over that edge and I stepped back. But then what. Amirite?
If you've ever gone through suicidal near deaths before, you know there's a relief and possibly people are there for you...at first. AT FIRST. After that initial win, there's often the 'getting back to normal
life' part that isn't real easy, but you get through the first 'normal day' and kinda get back into your routine.
Then...the next steps are often overlooked or treated as not nearly as big as stepping away from the edge. That step is VITALLY, desperately and visualizationally SOOO important! (I make up words, let it go.)
It's vital because if there's no plan in place, no reason to still be here, nothing to be excited about further than "I didn't die." that's where thoughts of trying again become big and whether they start from the beginning or they unpause from the moment you walked away from the edge, those feelings will only get stronger.
That next step or continued excitement is visualizationally important because visualizing a future with yourself IN IT needs to be palpable.
Visualizationally - describing
something being able to be
visualized or imagined as a potential truth.
So you're at that point where you've gotten back into your groove or rut and you're doing the daily things like before and you get to that moment where you think, " Okay, I'm back to routine and things
are better than when they were worse...but...what now?"
There two parts to this that you can do to take control of this step, one is completely in your power to be the authority and the 2nd part is not as easy to be the total leader of but CAN be done. Neither are even close to easy, but these WILL make the "What' now?!" so much less powerful over you.
This is where you have to find something to be excited about and look forward to. Find a new job, challenge yourself to small winnable tests: like try new food every day or say hello to 200 people in one day or listen to a new song from a new band every day or something personal to you and something that specifically makes you happier than you were before.
Do whatever you can to have fun with this part, make yourself laugh with the crazy, silly ideas and do them. And don't feel bad if you make very small goals, like writing in a blog or cleaning a small part of your room or something like that...not that I suggested those because those are two of my personal goals in this step.
Getting those wins really can be a huge encouragement and help you get through each day with a different focus or a different way of looking at life. Stay calm and don't get down on yourself if you set small goals and don't get to them right away, if you don't clean your room today you have tomorrow to work on it.
The 2nd part of this step is, in a way, a little less in your control: surround yourself with a person or people who will help you get better, feel better and be better. In some cases, that means stepping away from old friends who drag you down or who don't support you and sometimes that means finding someone and basically saying to them, "I'm not doing too well right now and I'll probably be miserable but I'm asking you to hang out with me and help cheer me up. Pretty much just be here for me no matter what."
It's not always easy to reach out, I know this more than you think BUT it will get you closer to being better than you were before; and that's the goal, to make yourself better than you were before.
Aaaand here's where I share a part of my heart with you and let you know why I'm writing this.
Two reasons:
1.) Because I have been there and I would never wish these scary feelings on my worst enemies so if my experiences and thought help even one person, I will do this forever.
2.) Because a few weeks ago, I again was at the edge and I nearly didn't walk away from that. No one knew, I didn't go to a hospital and I don't have any physical scars to show for that day. I was standing in front of the train after having a day that proved to me just how worthless I am to the world and I saw the train coming closer quickly.
I saw it and imagined what this world would be like without me in it and things in my mind got quite a bit worse after that thought too, there's no reason to get into just how dark things got. So I saw the train and I was emotionally ready to...well, I was ready to go. And I even got as close as putting my purse and bike down as it roared closer.
With tears in my eyes, I got scared and stepped back literally. I thought about what I wanted vs what I felt like I wanted. I wanted to die...except that wasn't the truth; I wanted to not feel worthless and I wanted to be happy and I wanted to be comfortable and I wanted to be able to live. None of those actual wants involved me ruining the life and mind of the little girl standing on the train platform not too far from me, none of those involved my friend's kids having to learn at some point that I took my own life and none of those wants involved me giving up...in Edgewater Park, New Jersey on a Tuesday.
None of that is what I wanted or want, that's what the misery in me wants. I want good things and because I was going through some very hard times and because my bosses are bullying me and being very immature at work and because a lot of people I thought were friends haven't thought about me enough to send a text to even say hi and because it seems like every time I try to do a good thing 273 things happen that just destroy whatever I did...because of those things and a few more things, I thought, "I'll never get rid of these things so the next best thing is to end myself."
Boiling down that twisted thought, what that says is I don't WANT to die, I just don't want to be unhappy and have no future. And so as much as I want to say I'm all better now, I'm actually in the phase I'm talking about throughout this entire diary entry. I'm talking to me just as much as anyone else who may read this.
You are not alone. You are not wrong or stupid or worthless and you definitely should step away from that edge and try looking at the world (your world specifically) in a different way; look between the lines and find out what you truly want. I'm betting on you wanting good things, even though it may be hidden by bitterness from horrible things. Don't let this world win. Please. Help me, let me help you, ask for help and help someone.
It. will be worth it.
...to be continued...
