Square One...Again

 

     So I've spent the last few days feeling horrible. HORRIBLE. I hurt friends who mean the world to me, they mean more to me than anything/anyone has meant to me in a long time. I already thought the worst about myself and this sent me a ton lower (not to sound sympathy needing, I don't deserve sympathy. Intentional or not, I hurt them and that kills me more than anything else.)

     But I realized some things that honestly, I don't know how to process. And since I'm the only one who will read this ever, I HAVE TO get these thoughts out of my system somewhere. I'll...well, it would be devastating to someone somewhere possibly if I let these thoughts fester in my demented mind.

     The first thing is I was/am always honest. The people that I let in my inner world get the fullest of truth from me. I don't hold back and I don't say one syllable that isn't the most real version of me there is. And with that honesty, I love them more than the entire universe could ever offer. I would do absolutely anything for those people. Anything. I think that's a good thing, at least most of the time, though I know sometimes I can go overboard with my emotions. I know I need to learn to calm down and sometimes not love to my fullest extent able. I know it; I try to keep myself from being 'too much'

     And when I believe that honesty is returned, it's euphoric. I feel like I can trust those people and they can trust me. I haven't had a lot of people I can truly trust in my life. But when I see that the people I trust fully who I thought were being full honest weren't...it hurts. It kills me; especially people I put on a pedestal in my mind, people I see as superheroes. Even if they still are superheroes, knowing they don't trust me kinda destroys me inside.

     Here's the thing, I can recognize that I need to keep my emotions in check and I can try to not say every thought in my head and I can do my best to grow as a person. Those are all things I can and need to do...but...I am always going to be who and what I am. I can't seem to change the fact that I love so hard that I can feel it in my fingertips and I can see it in the real world. Not like in a crazy 'I see things' kinda way, more like I look at certain people and I see their goodness or their light and love. They just look brighter than other people, like they literally have a halo above them. 

And I want to help them and love them and make sure they know beyond anything that no matter what happens they have at least one person who will stand against hell itself without question and fight for them even beyond death. Even if I can't do it with them in my life, if they decide to move on from me or they need me out of their lives. I will respect that and never let them be bothered by my presence for even one second, because I love them with every fiber in my being. I can't help it, once I love someone that much I have to do anything it takes to make their lives better...even leave it.

     Another thought I can't answer is: what do I do when this happens? Once I stop trying to fight for the friendship or do anything that would ultimately push them even further than leaving, once I stop putting myself in their path in any way, once I realize they don't need me in their lives...what DO I do? 

Do I go back to not caring about anything or anyone? Do I beat myself up until I can't anymore, and if so do I just never stop doing that? Do I eat my sorrow away, do I learn how to paint, do I completely ignore that I ever knew them? This is one area I have never succeeded at in any way.

I end up not being able to smile or be worth anyone being around for a long time and any time I start feeling human again, something reminds of the people who left (all of them, it's a spiral I haven't avoided yet) and each one hits me just as hard as when they first left. Square one...again.

     Then I think about all the people who walked away from me. People like my 7th grade math teacher who said to me as I was leaving that school for the last time, she looked right at me and said "You're a loser and you're always gonna be a loser." and all the times I opened some app and found out a close friend had deleted me, and I think about the times people had absolutely no regret in telling me they were never my friend...or the time I went to visit my childhood best friend and when I got there to surprise him, he had already replaced me. 

I think about all those times and it seems more likely that the entire world would be better off without me here. How many more people do I have to hurt, annoy, ruin, bother or interrupt before the world makes it clear that I'm not welcome here? I've seen people who weren't welcome in places force themselves in and I don't know what's worse; forcing my way into an uncomfortable situation where I'm not welcome or just not being anywhere. 

     So for now I am accepting my punishment. I here in the nowhere realm I live in again. Torn between letting go for people or waiting to be let back in. I know I may not be given the option to BE let back in, and if not it's what I deserve. Maybe I never deserved to have friends in the first place. My worst fear is that I am cursed but I'm starting to think reality is worse than that, that I am the curse, I am the darkness that fills this world.

Wish I had answers, wish I didn't have the answers I do have. Guess I'm having the day I deserve.

Not just Something...Everything.

   So in a few weeks, I went from: having a really great friend, a community that meant the world to me, a job that I was proud of and a plan to having no job (at least a tthe moment), no best friend kinda people and I just moved to a new town. Oh and the community I was invested in is now in question.

Aaaand it's pretty much all my fault.Yay.

   Oh and I'm staying away from virtually all social media for an indefinite ambiguous amount of time, and I never knew just how much it affects my world to not be on almost any social media platforms.

   I was doing ok during the day today, I went for a bike ride where I saw a bunch of really cool stuff and places in the town I just moved to, but tonight was/is really rough. I'm alone. Like no one in a million miles/pretty sure everyone who has ever interacted with me has forgotten completely that I ever existed/even watching stuff I really like doesn't even come close to quenching that need I have for people even though I push people away before I realize just how much I pushed them away.

Wow, that was a lot, and for a bonus it really hurt to write all that.

   I need to change. My personality, my heart, my...geez everything. I always knew I suck but boy did I underestimate just how much I suck. To anyone who has had to put up with me, I'm sorry. You're a saint for not leaving sooner.

Damn. I'm not even sad I'm just...damn.

Today in the A.

 Exploring is one of my favorite things to do. I remember being a kid and always getting in trouble for roaming away from the group, but I never listened because I wanted to explore. I wanted to see things I had never seen before, I wanted to just see something I didn't see everyday.

   And I'm stuff that very way. Today I rode my bike around a town I just moved to and it was amazing seeing the beautiful sights of Menasha and Appleton. 

I rode my electric bike around and went so far my bike almost died, at the end I was laughing hard while watching my battery go WAYYY down.

   It was a good ride and since the day's not over I may go for another ride tonight, or tomorrow at the least. And the weird part is having no social media other than this right now. I'm learning just how addicted I am to social media. It was kinda nice just enjoying the ride without thinking about getting shots and holding my phone at angles to show the scenes around me. I just listened to music and let my eyes be my only social media. Weird, but good.

   I also am sadly really into one anime, ha ha ha. Call mean nerd but I just stumbled on the live action One Piece and I'm absolutely loving it! A lot of it is shot for shot with the original and other than a few voice changes, they're doing a pretty decent job with this. Not sure what I'm gonna watch after this, I'm watching the last episode available right now.

   I'm really trying to work on me and learn from my mistakes right now. I know that when I love people, I love them further than the boundaries of heaven or hell and I would do anything for them. I know I need to keep that care in check, there are times to let go and I'm not good at that part, when I feel like I'm losing people or things I try my hardest to hold on tight...even when sometimes I shouldn't. I'll be honest, I don't understand that at all but I'm trying hard to not take any of this for granted. 

   I also know that I will be much more deliberate with my words from now on. I hope anyone who knows me knows I would never say anything with intent to hurt the people I love the most. Not ever. And those who are going through things a million times worse than my worst...I would never ever consider myself on their level. I want to make my life's goal for others to realize what these heroes are going through. Nothing more. 

   Anyway, I haven't really been able to eat for a while now so I'm gonna force myself to put something in my stomach. And I'm gonna try to have a good night, maybe even smile. I feel alone, I hope someday to know the feeling of not being that.

Come sit down, Were Lamenting not Yesterday's Sad Ending

 To whom it may concern (nobody),

   Friday, September 8, 2023. Feelings, I can't even decipher what that means anymore. I've always let myself be fully led by emotions, cravings and art. You'd think I would learn my lesson and change...but I'm not that smart. 

Right now the emotion leading the charge in me is desolation. The thought that I'm so easily forgotten (I am) and no matter what decisions I make or what I try to do, I'll be walking this same path all alone. I'll live to be very old and very far from the nearest soul.

   I guess it's not all bad, right? I can go wherever I want; there's no one to hold me by the roots. I can stay out as late as I want; no one is making sure I get 'home' safe and I can eat whatever I want; no reason to celebrate 'dinner time' if it's whenever and wherever I decide.

Yay.

Everything I did was wrong

 

   I'm laying here in bed, thinking about the past year. Every step of the way I wanted to do right and  be a help and make the world better for my friends, especially one family...but I did the exact opposite. I hurt them and made them worse. 

I pushed myself into their personal lives and came between them and said things that hurt their feelings without realizing it. The whole time I've been telling them over and over that I want to help families stay together, be stronger and be the family they're trying to be. That's been the most important thing to me.

And while nothing inappropriate was ever talked about or happened anywhere, I took up to much of the wife's time, I said things that their daughter (a cancer warrior who is one of the greatest people I've ever met) heard and was hurt by and I tried to inject myself into their lives overall in a way that I never would have.

   I've spent the last maybe 15 hours punishing myself, I thought over and over about what it means to call myself an advocate and what it means to 'fight' for families. I don't deserve to use those terms referring to myself. I broke bonds that may never be healed ever again, not only possibly with them but in me. 

I opened up and trusted them, I allowed myself to connect with them on an emotional level and be completely honest, I accepted fully that maybe they were 'like family' when I wasn't, I'm not and I don't deserve to be.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to open up with anyone ever again, it took me decades to find someone I thought of as a sister, someone I felt like I could talk to about anything and actually feel comfortable with. I treated their kids like my own family, that's sweet to care so much but it was not my place. I'm not one of them and i have no faith that I'll ever have a place I fit in or belong.

Make no mistake, my sadness and regret isn't for myself. I hurt a family of superheroes. They are the victims and they deserve all the respect, focus and live. I deserve nothing. And I have to live with this for the rest of my days, knowing that my actions nearly destroyed one of the greatest families I've ever known.

Where do I go from here? Honestly I feel like slowly disappearing from their entire community until they all completely forget about me and ending myself, when my life (or lack thereof) wouldn't hit close to home with them. But I also feel like the punishment for my actions deserves to be living with this, knowing I intentionally almost broke a family that is going to change the entire world. Knowing I lost the greatest people as friends and feeling that burn my soul from the inside out as I sit alone and watch it from afar.

No matter what happens to me from here on, I have to and will live with the fact that I knew superheroes and I never get to have the bond with them that I wished I had. 

In case by any chance they're reading this, everything is dedicated to the S family. I am so so sorry. Those words aren't nearly enough but I need to say them. I will never ever put you or any other family in this kind of situation ever again. I don't know what my promise is worth so I won't use that, I'll just do my best to repay this to the entire world, I'll never ever stop supporting you all or caring about your family...even if it's from a distance, and with no communication. I'm sorry.

I deserve

I deserve to be in pain.

   I used to think I was cursed, like God put some cloak of bad luck and misery on my shoulders. An unmerited gift that I didn't cause.

I learned today that God knew I would show my true evil and that everything I've ever felt is deserved. I am not only the curse, but I destroy every life I touch even those I care about the most.

Anna because I ruin everyone and everything, my punishment is to live with the knowledge that there are families hurt by my existence, there are heroes who I only wanted to support...who are worse because of me.

I used to blame God for a lot of this but it was never God, it's always been me. From the moment I was born, I made this world a worse, darker, more evil place. And I rightfully take full responsibility.

There's someone out there who's the embodiment of good, innocent and strong, who makes the entire world a great place just buy their existence. I'm the opposite, just by existing I make everything worse. People who will never interact with me will face darkness because I exist.

And because of this, I deserve to live with this knowledge. I deserve to live out the rest of my long life feeling this agony every minute of every day. I deserve to watch those who escape me doing better.

It is only just that I feel it burn inside my soul and inside my bones and eat me alive slowly as I lose everything and everyone. I deserve to be buried by the misery of anyone who I hurt or destroy. And God knew this before, so I was wrong. God is good and I am the curse.

Left Out

 

   I'm trying my hardest to keep calm but there's so much going inside that I can barely even breathe. I don't know why I am the way I am, every choice seems to be the wrong one and every action I take only does one of 2 things.

It either hurts someone I care about or I hold back and it eats me alive slowly and painfully. Like right now. Right now I am hyper emotional and in desperate need of a friend, a friend who I connect with on a deep level. BUT I rarely find anyone I feel I connect with like that and when I do, I smother them because I want all their attention. I'm too much.

So I feel like there's a shift in energy, I try to gauge if I'm just being paranoid or if there's actually something there. And if there's something different, like they stop texting me so much or commenting on my social media but I see them responding to other friends just as much as before, I start to back off.

And I know social media is...what it is, but there is a level you can understand by someone stopping reacting to me while still reacting to others the same as always. Aaaand I'm pretty sure everytime someone says "You're family." that's god's way of telling me to say goodbye to the friendship I had with whoever says it. Every single time someone says that, either something ruins the friendship (usually me) or somehow they take time away from me and that never comes back or at least the entire friendship goes from a deep level to acquaintenace level.

I've got a mountain of proof to back this up and I connect dots so...

   And that! Connecting dots. I do it all the time. I am less and less able to tell when I'm just creating the connection and when it's legitimately a real connection I should read into. 

If someone comes to me to vent or say things they can't say to most others and then suddenly they stop doing that completely and then they stop commenting on social media posts and they go to other friends on there and comment the same amount they always have, I'm having trouble seeing that as...not something.

I have no idea how to control my emotions right now. I'm trying to not bother anyone but in doing so, I'm sitting here just burning and feeling this pain and reliving it over and over and over.

 

I got what I deserved, right?

What dreams may come, what nightmares dwell.

When lightness and love are drug to hell.

What's seen is felt, what darts are dealt, what darkness grows, what rainbows melt.

When the day grows dim, 

when reality's claw starts to sink in,

when the walls close in and fill everything in,

when even the most inconsequential smallest pieces of treasure have been burned to ashes

and when hope has been erased,

that's where my tears were buried and my soul died.

What do I believe

     So I'm sitting here. Alone, and I don't just man no one else is in the room. I mean alone.

Thoughts about what works change if I died hit me, like...would anyone cry? Would even one personas life change in any way? I'm missing my uncle, my entire existence is different because he's not here, I wish there was someone who would care the way I care about uncle Mike...but there isn't. There won't be. 

In fact, no one would actually care. I mean I get it, if a human dies it's sad. If a human you connect with online passes away, you say "I'm so sorry to hear that." Or "they'll be missed" and then it's back to life as usual.

I'm not much more than one like on a video or picture, which is worth almost nothing most of the time. 

The only ones that would have an emotion about me doing tonight would be the ones that are already dead. Because I'm 'saved' like I found a secret entrance into paradise and God second guesses that he offered that to "everyone" because things like me get in even though I'm unwanted.

It makes me think, is heaven gonna have some secluded island that's technically still part of heaven but just on the edge between heaven and hell? Like I'll get the leftover trash food that everyone else got to enjoy when it was still good, last month or something like that.

And like everywhere will be pearly white but the cloud land I'll be on will be just on the edge so it'll puck up the grey and dingy darkness that hell sees regularly.

Anna in order for Antoine to come visit me on my island, it'll be kinda hard to get to. So even the ones that are generous enough to invest time eventually just get tired of taking three trip so they stop coming. 

And like, I can hear the happiness and exciting music and glasses clinking...and all the sounds of life and love. But I'll look around and the only nearby sounds will be like dropping of rain hitting the edge of heaven and the faint sounds of Satan laughing at me just beyond the border.

...that's about all my imagination can believe right about now.