If you look at a rose and you see it, touch it, smell it. It's a rose no matter what you call it or what you do with it. It is a rose. And if you see shit, you smell it, clean it up and throw it away...it is shit. You can make the best of the situation by saying the shit was an accident and the rose was lucky being a rose, but both are still what they are.
I try to deal with my situation, I try to sugar coat what I am but there's no changing what I am. I am nothing. I am no one. I have no past and the more I go, it becomes clearer every day that I am only creating emptiness where a future should be. I wish I mattered.
I wish anything I do could change me, I wish I could do enough good to fix the negativity that I bring merely by existing, like if I could see an empty container in physical form and I could see that every good deed added to it...I would possibly feel like I had a chance. Though it would be a lie, at least I'd be able to hide my head in the sand deep enough not to see what I still am.
The funny thing is I can't even blame anything on anyone else. Every single mistake, every awkward interaction that turned people away from me, every judgement that led to making a choice...it is all completely my fault. No one else, nothing else and I can't even try to get away from every one of them.
If I did drugs ever, I could say it was the drugs; they made me make wrong decisions. I never did anything though so my choices were just me looking at a situation soberly and choosing all on my own. If I had bad friends or people who were ever in charge of me, I could blame them for something. The truth is since I was born, I was on my own. Sure, there were times when I got help but I still made the choices in every situation and I am fully to blame.
When I was 1 and put a blanket on an electric heater, when I a teenager decided I wasn't going to live with either birth parent, when I chose not to work at school, when I lost my virginity, attempted to take my life (earliest at 7 years old and many times after that), when I let certain people leave, when I tried to keep certain people in my life. When I was too annoying, too patient, too rude, too nice and so many things in between. IT'S. ALL. MY. FAULT. I sure as hell can't blame any parents or adults in my life, I barely had any. Something that doesn't exist can't be blamed for doing something, right?
All that was a precursor, a preamble for today's thoughts. I've fought so hard and so long with no guarantee knowledge that there's a reason, ya know? I've been told that if I get to a certain point in life or work hard enough or if I do certain things, I'll get love in return. I've never seen it, ever; not for 5 seconds.
I've been told that if I give I will receive. That has not been a part of my existence either. I'm not saying I've never been given anything ever, that's not true but here's an example I imagine a lot:
If I need a house and I work hard to get what I need to get that house but I see someone else with a greater need, I thought the way life worked was If I give to that person someday it would come back to me. That's what I thought (through my rambly mess of too many words in my mind) but what happens so many times is I see someone else in need and I help them, then I realize I'm in a worse situation than that person in need...and I am alone then. Not only is no one there but anyone that is nearby makes it clear that I shouldn't have helped anyone else. They say it's my fault I'm where I am and "You made my bed so you need to lie in it now." and if I even try to say anything other than taking full responsibility, then I am lying AND wrong.
I'm sitting here, kneeling on a floor in a small town near a large city and I cannot stop thinking about how I have done nothing with my life, Never felt real love, never experienced real things for myself and I have never been confident in one single thing, important or menial. And so many signs seem pointing more and more to giving up.
I remember this one time I was working at a fast food place around Christmas, I was miserable and lonely and had recently lost my uncle to suicide. I was mopping and a song came on the radio there, I forget the name or most of the lyrics but what I remember was the story the song was telling. In it's tune filled story, it explained that Christmas wasn't worth making it through without someone to share it with. I'm sure someone somewhere heard it and took the words in one way but as I spent that Christmas alone, I didn't see the cute fluffy happy part of it. It felt like the radio was screaming, "Give up! Give up Now! The one thing you value the most will never happen, so why are you even here? You don't belong."
I was just watching a documentary about a celebrity, Soleil Moon Frye. I couldn't finish it because though I know it's about her story and it wasn't an easy one in ways, it felt very much like there was an underlying message of "I have no life and I can't have a life. I have like 2 stories to tell, I'm not interesting, I have no perspective that can help or bring people to my story. So I'm not ever going to be worth anything."
So I was born to be shit. I can buy fancy things, I can give to the poor, I can let everyone go ahead of me in lines and hold all the doors for people but...nothing can change what I am. Any time I start to break even or get out of anything bad, something immediately destroys it completely
(like when I was in a relationship, had my own place and was starting to deal better with my migraines and then all in the span of a few hours, I was fired from the job I liked then that day I broke up with the woman I was dating and then the moment I got to my place after the relationship ending fight...I found out my place was bought by the bank and I had 2 weeks to find a new place to live.)
That's how things go. Always. My life phrase used to be 'Life is what you make of it.' then it was 'It is what it is.' and now it's simply "I don't get good things."
To be completely honest with (no one's gonna read this so, I guess this is just for myself) I feel more and more like it's only a matter of time till I'm gone.
...and that is such a sucky, soul draining thought. G'night.