So I've spent the last 24 hours looking for something from god, some reason to keep going on or some sign that he doesn't hate me and honestly looking for a way out of this life.
I thought of he shows me he cares or gives me summer kind of real help (praying that the sun comes up isn't really help and I'm sick of these little tiny possible signs to answer big giant life wrecking problems)
I ended up not finding a way out of life yesterday, I'm still here and what do I wake up to? What answer do I get to 'does god at least not hate me?' I wake up to find the ONLY thing that has ever been physically successful in my entire miserable life gone.
You may call it stupid or not very important or whatever but my TikTok account with over 60,000 followers was the most successful thing I've ever been a part of, ever. By a lot.
Every job I've had, even ones i didn't hate, I've been a failure at. Every attempt to make something, every little venture I've ever dreamed of has ended in complete failure.
Some was because I didn't try hard enough and some have Benn because I didn't know what I was doing our I didn't have the resources or many reasons like that, reasons that I'm at fault; some more than half...a lot of reasons were god. God has fine a lot to prove he hates me, he wants me stuck in the disgusting pit he's forced me in my whole life.
The minute I was born, I was given a disadvantage with an abusive hateful family. None of them ever wanted me, never knew how to love each other and definitely didn't know how to love me. I can remember so many times where I was proven at a very young age that I'm not worth anything to people, from being left at places by patents to seeing best friends tell me to go away to having the only girl I ever truly loved drop me.
Every single positive thing in my life has been immediately countered by something so big (whether it's big because I wanted it so badly or big in terms of something everyone sees as big) that I can't come back from, something I couldn't stop.
I don't know if god hates me, wants me to be hiring or of he just doesn't care what happens to me but he's definitely had a hand in how things turn out and it's definitely always ended against me. I don't know how to keep responding when each thing hits harder than the next.
As a nine or ten year old I realized that any time I was given a very small blessing of any kind, it was met with a giant painful tragedy and it's almost immediate every time.
I renewed being young, around 10, I had what I thought was the best day playing with friends. I don't remember what we did or what happened but I felt like I was on top of the world.
I came inside, a place I thought was 'my home' and my birth mother's boyfriend was sitting on the couch with a large knife. It was covered with something red.
I stopped with terror, all things from that day vanished in an instant. I felt heaviness of whatever was going on. At 9 years old I felt the heaviness of the cold real world. All the innocence of a 1992 ten year olds building forts/running around playing games drained from me in that very spot withy the front door still opened.
He looked at me, told me to shut the door we need to talk. I did and sat on the floor, my normal sitting spot. He told me he and my mom had a fight. (Normal, I thought) but this one was different. Worse. They fought to a point he'd never seen before.
She was violent. He was angry. They threw things and screamed hate. The fact that he pointed out this fight was like nothing before terrified me. I heard every fight, I was used to screaming the worst things at each other. He said she took "this knife" and waves it at him.
Then he told me she was done. She put it to her own neck and sliced. Eat to ear was the phrase he used. He said she was dead in the other room and he didn't know what to do. I froze, unable to breathe, unable to run, unable to feel the tears running down my face. My mom, who I had always wanted to love...she was...dead. I looked around and stuttered trying to chime up with some response to that. What do you say to that? I still, at 40 years old, have no idea what to say to that.
Then just as I was about to scream, my mother walked out of the bedroom. She was fine. No cuts, no knife wounds. Not even an angry face. She likes like she was getting ready for work or to make dinner or something menial like that. She didn't realize I was more terrified than I had ever been, she walked by me as of nothing was wrong.
I broke that day. I broke in a way I still can't and don't comprehend.
How could someone tell a 10 year old something like that?
Why would anyone ever make a kid think that?
Why would he do that if there wasn't any kind of tragedy going on?
I don't know if they even had a fight. I don't know what was in that knife, what he was thinking, or what she was thinking.
That's how that interaction ended. I went to my room frozen by inability to understand any of that and they went about their day. I never forgot that, not the day not the moment and not the feeling of being there through it all.
I've got countless other memories of moments when I was feeling on top of the world and in moments I lost everything. In fact every time I felt even kinda good about myself, something destroyed whatever made me feel good and me and everything around me.
The day my uncle hung himself (the first of two times and the only unsuccessful attempt) I went to a camp with a church I just found. I was there and had an experience I've never felt before, that snow camo gave me hope I never thought I could have and on the long bud ride back things got even better. The group I was with shared emotions, cried together, I actually felt like I was a part of the group. It was a high that I still can't understand...and then minutes after I got back...
It was like God saw that I wasn't in pain and took offense. I walked into a destroyed living room, police tape everywhere and no one home except my grandmother. She didn't talk to me or even come out of her room till hours later but I knew something was life changing bad, I felt it in my soul.
She told me my uncle hung himself and she found him. Now I know that wasn't about me in his world, but it STILL feels like God himself did that just to destroy any assemblance of goodness that built up in my life. Like he saw that I worked through abuse, I worked through being kicked out of school, I worked through never being loved, I pushed through having no friends and wanting to die every single day...and he couldn't let that happen. Like the plan is for me to never feel any kind of positivity, and the fact that I did (even see it in other people, I didn't fully experience it) made him angry.
So from birth I've been cursed, my very existence was an insult to the God that people talk about being only good. And I've seen nothing but that being proven. Always. Like I'm the exact opposite of chosen, I was chosen to be eternally hopeless and heartless and broken and unlovable and forever a failure for everything and everyone.
Last night, June 22, 2022 I tried to save everyone. I tried to save the entire planet and make this world a bit better by taking me off of it...and I failed. I'm still here and I want to apologize to everyone alive for that.
I'm sorry. Please know that I want to make everyone's lives better. I never wanted anyone to ever be hurt or annoyed or ruined because of me. I loved do many people, so much that it hurts. And my only true desire was to be loved, in the friend/family way and romantically. But the more I see if this world, three more I comprehend the fact that the only way I can actually love anyone is by getting away from them. I don't even know if heaven or hell are far enough away from people, maybe I'll have to protect people in those places too. I don't know.
I wish I had tears right now, I wish I could tell you that I'm sobbing right this second but I'm not. I'm empty, lost to even the lost realms and my greatest fear is a cold hard truth, if I love you; if I truly love you, the best thing I can do for you is run till there is nowhere to run and then find a way to keep going further away.
I am the monster that even Satan has nightmares about. I am worse than the most evil force that ever existed. And I hope you know...I'm sorry