Social Learning

     So I've been thinking about how I react to confrontation, specifically confrontation that comes from leadership or someone trying to intimidate me. Right or wrong kinds of intimidation doesn't really matter in this context, we all have had times where someone tried to scare us with their authority but how I react is what I want to focus on.

I've had multiple times within the last few years where a boss has stood in front of me and point blank tried to intimidate me and my reaction has been one of an inability to back down or cower. I do not disrespect those bosses, I don't mean anything like that; I've learned along the way to assess the situation and choose how to not back down from a situation.

     One thing I am very good at is remembering embarrassing times or times I regret something, (I know, I know, I know everyone remembers embarrassing moments but just hear me out) I have a habit of taking a not-ideal time and applying it to future moments. You want an example? Alright.

I had the chance to meet one of my celebrity crushes, Emily Kinney, and while I didn't expect her to drop everything and marry me or anything I did want to leave a better impression than I did.

     The scene is set: I'm in line to meet Emily Kinney, I'm nervous, fifty people ahead of me, I'm thinking "what do I say?", forty people, I should give her some cheesy pickup line or have some fact about her that most wouldn't, thirty people, fifteen people, I'm trying not to look like I want to throw up, I get my camera ready and beg the guy behind me to take pictures for me, three people in front of me, I see her talking to other fans and cannot get over the fact that I'm about to meet a woman I have been obsessed on my 2nd favorite TV show and then...I'm next...I take a second and look at her with absolutely no words coming out of me. She smiles at me and I elegantly say the most poignant thing she's heard all day...is what I wish happened. Nope, that's not what happened. I look at her, take a deep nervous breath and blurt out...wait for it..."I'm a big fan. huh huh huh." She took a picture with me and THE ONLY THING that redeemed that moment was this, just as she was about to move on to the next 'big fan' I stopped and said, "Wait! Can I get a hug, please?" She smiled and gave me a hug.

     It was a cool memory, one that I'll look back on fondly...but it's also something I'll look back on and laugh at myself. How could I say, "Uh...I'm a big fan." Like, DUH. Of course I'm a big fan, I just stood in line for hours to take a picture with her!?

The thing I learned there was that I'm not good on the spot when I'm nervous and I learned to have a phrase that I can say to celebrities at Monster Mania so that I don't say dumb things. A few years later, I met another celebrity crush, Kristy Swanson, and I was probably more nervous then. She was so cool and I said, "How do you like this event?" and she told me she'd been to a few cons and that opened up a conversation.

I started saying that or something close to that every time I met a celebrity and that started a conversation, it helped me keep calm and not fangirl out. And that made me think about how I can best use that information in my daily life; If I plan out some little go-to things or phrases, I can reduce some of my anxieties.

     Now to bring the story back from the rabbit hole, I learned from one situation and applied it in the future. I'm trying to learn now how to take situations where I'm confronted and figure out how to handle them correctly in the moment instead of doing the wrong thing THEN doing the right thing the next time.

I know it's not some deep super meaningful nugget of knowledge, sometimes growing isn't all explosions and bursts of greatness all at once. This is something I've been thinking about for a few days and something I want to get better at, mainly learning when to be forceful and sound confident (I say 'sound' because I'm very very not irl) and when to be quiet and when to be loud...etc.

     Quick life update:

*I got my second dose of estradiol which means I've taken just about 3 months worth so far and I see emotional changes but vey very little physical...still. I have been really happy with how things have been with everyone at work and almost everyone I've shared this part of my life with, I love when people call me Layla; I'm making plans to legally change my name as soon as I can.

*I'm working on organizing my life, small steps at a time. So if you talk to me, I am always looking for how others organize their life in just about any way.

*I have been adding makeup to my daily life little by little and that's interesting. I want to murder babies when I get mascara in my eye but othe rthan that, I love it. It's amazing finally letting out the girlie side of me that I'v ebeen locking away for so long.

*This A.D.D. thing has gotten out of hand, while writing this diary entry, I did about 95 distracting things and thought about...oooh butterfly --->

*One final question: If I made videos detailing my thought and journey, would you watch them? Would you rather read or watch? Comment and let me know.

Today's Events - March 26th 2018

     Today:

I took a bike ride to Center City, Philadelphia to pick up estrodiol and I want to record my thoughts and take away from the day so that some day when I'm fully transitioned and can't remember these times, I can read this and think about how life was.

Let me start by saying, I am lazy and today was a prime example. SO last night my plan was to wake up today (Monday March 26th, 2018) fairly early and get to Center City to pick up my estrodiol. I figured I'd pick it up then maybe ride around for a while and just kinda aimlessly spend the day doing whatever.

And because my plans ALWAYS go perfectly, I woke up at 7am...and felt like crap so I went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 8:30am and felt head achy, so I went back to sleep.

Aaaand at the bright and early time of 1:45pm I decided to get up for the day. I got out of the house about ten minutes later and made the train literally seconds before those guard rails went down. So that was a good break I caught first thing into my day. Then I got to Camden and got off the train, rode my bike to the bridge.

So normally, I get on the bridge and ride across the side where I can see the Camden Riversharks practice...or Rutgers or whoever plays at that baseball field but this time that side was closed for some reason and I had to go on the other side.

     The other side...the other side is a  little scary. It has a metal board looking floor for a bit till you get to solid concrete, which makes me feel like I'm in that Indiana Jones movie where the bridge is falling apart. Oh and did I mention I have a fear of heights? Yeah so I do, sort of.

By sort of I mean that whenever I get high up and can see down, I imagine every possible worst scenario. And because I have a crazy vivid imagination, it's always like super detailed and makes me super nervous. I, of course, thought of what if I hit the rail and flipped over the side or what if that tiny car patrol officer hit me with his little half-car thing and I popped off the bridge...and about 43 other random and crazy scenarios where I end up off the bridge. I have trouble stopping that thought process and tried to just sing and forget about where I was.

     After a terrifying trip across the bridge I got to Market St. and relearned that I HATE just about every GPS app there is. And I try not to use the word hate very much unless it's really deserved...this deserves it. I hate every direction app I've used so far, not one has done well long term without major idiotic issues.

I got rid of the map that my IPhone came with because it was just atrocious from the beginning and tried many map apps, none impressing me. I ended up using google maps  over the other terrible apps and for a while it was better than others at least but recently...over the last maybe 6 months or so it's just been terribler than ever. Yeah, I said terribler. If anyone has a recommendation, please leave a comment because I need a good GPS app.

Okay so I FINALLY fought through the  bad directing and made my way to the Mazzoni Center; for some reason my brain doesn't like to help me remember how to get there even though I've made this same trip like 10 times between December 2017 and now. (Alright, brain...thanks.)

I got my medicine and asked the worker there to send my meds near me and will not have to go there just to get meds from now on. SCORE! And a big thing here wasn't just getting to change the destination of my meds, it was me taking that step of asking.

For some reason, I have trouble asking things like that; speaking up when there's no real reason to fear talking has always been a problem for me. Speaking up today was pretty important to me and a bonus was they're gonna make it easy for me. (insert smile emoji here)

Then I wandered around Center City for a while and made my way back to the bridge, crossed it slower than before because my mind had plenty of time to create more scary imaginative ways to fall off and I got to the riverline.

     Something kinda cool and inspiring happened there.

I got on and was the last person on, so I didn't have a seat; I was standing in between doors holding my bike. Usually, the train stops ONLY when they get to a station but today they decided to quickly stop about 30 seconds after leaving the Camden station.

And I had the fortune of not being ready for that, I fell forward. I wasn't ready and fell hard into a black guy sitting in a seat and he could have been super angry and rude but thankfully he was very polite about it. I apologized profusely and he was more focused on making sure I was okay. I felt bad because my bike hit his knee but he was so cool about it, then another man offered me the seat he had and I sat down insstead of trying to keep my balance every tiem the train jolted.

The man who gave me his seat had a Septa jacket on and I thanked him for the seat, he responded politely then told me he weas suprised the guy I fell on was nice; most people don't care if it's an accident or not, they get really mad in that kinda situation.

He then went on about how peple blame him for every single issue that Septa has, even the most radical or stupid things. He had a genuine attitude toward me and seemed liem one of those people who truly tries to be a nice person in a job where no one thinks about anyone but themselves (I can relate) and he told me a few situations he dealt with today and I told him how I deal with that kinda thing too.

Then, as he was getting off the train, I told him I thank him for doing what he does and he stopped and shook my hand; I really feel like that helped him just to feel a little better even for a moment and that can make life  a tiny bit easier to handle. I know that feeling when humanity gets redeemed just a little tiny bit and what that means to me when it happens, I was really happy to get that chance to make him feel good.

     Sometimes a little thank you or an extra step to be nice can go such a long way for someone. It can be the difference between someone going home and feeling drained or horrible and a person going home thinking, "That was really cool" And that being the thought at the end of a day for someone who gets wrecked by angry customers at their job is a BIG thing to good people.

Early Morning Thinking

     I woke up very early this morning, the exact time I remember is Stupid O'Clock. and I laid in bed remembering my dream. They say you should remain as relaxed as you can and replay your dreams in order to remember them best and so that's my routine when I have a vivid dream.

I dreamt that I took a long long time putting together a book for my friend, I put hours of work into selecting the pictures and arranging them in the best way possible. I took the pictures (because even in my dreams I take the best pictures) and physically made the book, I remembered all the hard work I put into the book and just as my friend opened the package, I was so ready for him to love it.

He opened it and it looked like it was made in 1984, the pictures were all blocky and the lettering for captions were all improperly spaced and the pages were crooked and uneven. I wanted to freak out, cry, throw it at whoever ruined all my hard work but the biggest thing was I remembered feeling so embarrassed. I ended up apologizing to him over and over, he graciously thanked me and I could tell he thought I just did a terrible job but that I tried my hardest; like he thought I wasn't mentally capable of doing any better.

In dream fashion, the next thing I can remember is I was microwaving something and it suddenly started smoking. I opened the microwave door and found that someone put a metal pan in there with my food, either I didn't see that when I put my food in there or someone put it in there and turned it back on. I was trying to avoid a fire alarm going off from the smoke and kept blowing till there was no more smoke.

     After replaying those dreams, I sat up and did that thing where I let my thoughts kinda run free, I went from one completely random and weird thought go to another that may be unrelated. To keep this diary entry shorter than a novel, I'll cut out the many completely crazy and random thoughts I went through and skip right to the most impactful one.

One of my best friends asked me while she was doing my makeup for my first time ever if I'm sure I want to go through with being a girl. She's been the most supportive friend from the moment I told her and wasn't questioning what I'm going through or anything like that; she was asking because being a 'guy' is SO MUCH EASIER than being a girl.

That conversation kinda replayed in my head and I thought about something that is kinda scaring me now in life;
     I have been living this weird situation for so long, I've felt and understood things as a female but was trapped by a masculine mask (say THAT ten times fast) and have been trying to escape that for so long that I learned a ton of ways to survive as a male. I learned how to do things like talk  and get ready for anything in 5 minutes and walk and act like a 'guy'

I did all those things even while hating a lot of them and then I opened up about being trans and FINALLY was able to begin acting the way I want to. I'm now slowly letting more and more of the things I actually like out...and I don't know how to be the girl I always felt inside.

I'm noticing that I don't know how to be a girl and walk and talk and do little things (although I do have many feminine mannerisms so it's not like absolutely nothing but there are a lot of things)

     I wish I could just be a 'guy' and happily live that way, it would be seriously so much easier and cheaper but I can't ignore all that I feel and know about myself. I want so badly to be good at being Layla rather than go back to being HORRIBLE at being VJ.

I told another friend that I've never been a 'guy' or 'one of the guys' even though I've been a male all my life. I'm done with that and while I'm scared about not being good at being Layla, I'm so much happier being a beginner Layla than trying to be okay as VJ.

The Problem With

     I've been reading about more people leaving Facebook and not watching TV or boycotting certain companies, which is a good at heart theory to whatever you're against and CAN be a good idea in extreme cases. 

The problem with those theories come after the boycott or exiting of the social media platform; after someone bans something, they need to be willing to never go back to it and dive into what
happens if people that agree with that philosophy all disappear from whatever it is. In extreme cases, this works out, like if a person find a Racist store then that person boycotts and tell everyone to stay away it usually works out in that person's favor as far as their willingness to fight it hard core. 

But let's take a less openly wrong case;  as a conservative leaning person, platforms like Facebook or YouTube or Huffington Post actively fight against my political views and those I follow on these sites.

This is not a case of abortion, which I am vehemently against in any situation that's not immediately life threatening so I don't think taking Facebook (for example) and fighting it with every fiber of my being is the best course of action AND the reality of Facebook is that I've used it to keep up with the lives of friends and to connect with/have deep conversations with people I never would have gotten to without FB; if
I left Facebook and had no alternative for those things I would either be hurting myself or I'd end up going back to it and feeling like a failure in some weird way. 

     So I chose a while ago to invest very little into Facebook as far as making my FB part of my identity and only use it to make initial contacts or to message people, I keep in mind that I only use it like a machine and refuse to be insulted or take ANYTHING on Facebook more serious than I should...which is so very little that it's pretty much nonexistent. And let's be honest, don't we all use Facebook as a way of showing off or  as the ability to see memes?! Well I do at least. 

So I took the power away from Facebook, at least over my political and personal investment. 

     Another example I encountered is a group of Christians who boycotted Disney based on how Disney teaches kids things they don't agree with and all the many subliminal messages in many Disney movies and TV shows.

This is all true, at least to some extent and it makes sense that Christians wouldn't want their kids to learn from some of the underlying lessons but the problem with that is what Disney will definitely become without any Christian fans for them to think about when making movies/TV shows.

     Now I must make this disclaimer, I do not think that only Christina are moral or want good things so I'm not giving Christians the sole ability to lead a company to better things in this way, but I am saying that as a Christian who got saved at a later age, I have seen much more of a community wide desire to protect themselves and those around them from things they feel affect their minds or spirit.

Here's the problem with this philosophy, if all moral people boycotted Disney then Disney's only audience would lead them to make more and (what moral people consider) worse movies/TV shows.

     I talked with a customer at my job about social media and is it worth quitting Facebook so I went off on a tangent which resulted in this entry. I'm interested to know what others think about this topic, is it worth boycotting social media platforms or companies? Is it NOT worth it to ban companies from your life? Is is bad to use platforms for only what you want? Is it right to take what you want and leave the political parts or opposing aspects?

     It's something to think about and talk about.

The OTHER Other Side

     Let's talk about transgendered people and the arguments surrounding that whole topic. Now, I need to make this clear that I'm not going to say things that are completely and universally right with no room for any other potions, I am speaking from my point of view and the logic presented to me; I hold the right to change my perspective when shown truths, lies or something more.

     The biggest religious debate I hear is Deuteronomy 22:5

Deuteronomy 22:5 says,
"The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God." (KJV)
Taken at just that, it sounds very much like the bible is taking a black and white stance against women wearing men's clothes, which in principle opposes transgenderism in at least appearance. IF you take it at just that one line, that is. The thing about interpreting biblical philosophies is that cross referencing and reading full portions is more important than taking sound bytes or tiny portions that seem to say concrete facts. 

For every truth in the bible, there are multiple sections that explain or expound on whatever it is that's being talked about. And in this exact reference, people 
think this is God's way of saying women should not wear men's clothes and vice versa. But in fact, reading thew whole chapter, it does not mention men wearing women's clothes or women wearing men's clothes anywhere else. What it does reference is respect and responsibility by talking about a person finding his brother's animal and not keeping it and helping their brother's animal (ox) if it falls down instead of not helping. 

The main principle being taught, if you read the chapter in full and see many concordances, explains the principle of not getting away from your own responsibility. A man should not act like a woman to get away from the rsponsibilities that are his and samer thing for a woman. 

This is not about transdgendered people and even if it did mean men shouldn't wear women's clothes, trans people aren't simply cross dressing so the issue is not even covered without context. And there's nothing else that tackles cross dressing for it's own sake or people who have to deal with feeling or desiring to be the other gender (I'm not talking about sexual preference here at all)

     Another issue the physical vs the emotional.

By that I mean trans people are emotionally not accepting what they physically are. And while physically our bodies are what they are and chromosomes are what they are, that's not all there is to it.

Studies have shown that trans people often (nothing is unanimous, almost ever) have closer brain functions to the sex they feel and act like more than the sex they were born.

It is also recognized in the DSM as gender identity disorder and while some may take offense to that, it does acknowledge that it's more than just an issue of people not accepting what they are. There are many articles and studies that prove that there is more than just people who are emotionally making a snap decision.

And then there is the other side of the emotional argument, the side I come from most often. When I tell people about me (the real me, that is), the first thing I explain is that I've been suicidal all my life and for the first time..I'm not. I'm not saying I don't suffer from suicidal thoughts ever but a really big weight has been lifted off my chest and I've been actually happy while learning how to freely live my life.

And that may be over emotional or not completely logical and it may go against my chromosomes but to not want to die is one of the biggest things I've ever experienced. I use this as a strategy when talking to someone who disagrees with transitioning because emotions are a very big part of what I'm going through.

     We're all trying to be happy during our short time on earth, other stuff happens and others take some of that happiness but overall we want to be happy. I want that too.

Lingering Downs Through Overall Progress

     So I think I've made some progress with getting through a few of my mental blocks and depression issues over the last few years. I've been working very hard at dissecting why I think the way I think and what causes me to react negatively...and sometimes even knowing all I have learned, I still fall into depressions.

I'd love to truthfully write that I've made huge strides and have conquered depression, suicidal thoughts...problems, really. But then I find myself feeling so down and so impossibly buried in all that life and the world can throw at me to keep me down that I'm not able to fight it all.

Right now in life, there are some positive things in my life that I can look at and see physical improvements; I've come a very long way in certain areas and have indeed survived some really truly harsh and awful things and I'm in a better place than I deserve to be or could be. But...I still look around and don't see  a way to get better in some areas that I just need to be better in.

Emotionally:

     I used to keep quiet and if I needed something desperately, I kept quiet. Not that I wanted to be silent but it was as if I had a metal bar over my mouth and I just couldn't muster any voice to make sound. I didn't know why I felt that way but I knew that  I regretted every single time I didn't speak up when I should have.

Whether it was something important like needing glasses as a kid or I wanted to choose something for myself when given a choice of something (Like if someone gave me a choice of drink, I took whatever they handed me even if I hated it)

I have fought very very hard to stop being this way and within the last maybe 5 years find myself sometimes saying to much, accepting that I'd rather say something and take it back then not say anything and think about what I wanted to say for weeks.

Spiritually: 

     God has been a major part of my life since I was 19 when I found the church I still go to currently. I didn't care if God existed when I was young, I just wanted to not be where or who I was; that was my selfish and only care. I mean I wanted stuff selfishly but my only deep wish wasn't to learn or grow or be smart or give God a chance, I just wanted to leave where I was or the person I was becoming.

At 19-20, I learned that God exists and He has a lot more planned for people than I thought. My eyes were opened to the fact that things have deeper meanings or destinies and I might possibly have some kind of destiny of my own...mind blown.

It wasn't long after that when I started seeing a lot of very disturbing terrible things and realized just how bad I must have been, like God must have been either punishing me or not liked me very much. I often referred to myself as the butt of God's jokes when thinking of my metaphorical existence.

It wasn't until very recently that I even started to chip away at the negative philosophies I put on God. I'm currently trying to get all the bad stuff that happens to me off God's shoulders and take in only
the good things that happen. Praying to thank God for every little thing that happens and ask Him to help me accept the bad things I can't change or fix.

I'm trying to learn the balance between knowing God and powers that are above what we see here on earth and realistic logical physics. It's not always easy to understand that there is more than we see but some stuff needs to be seen to be believed. To truly and unbiasedly try to understand this can get very very deep.

Physically: 

     Obviously my body is changing right now, I've been on hormones (estrogen) since January and there are/will be some major changes but the intangible physical changes about me are bigger. I'm a different person in every way and the mental or emotional is starting to have physical effects.

My mannerisms have been a huge part of who I am, my awkward movements and my unconfident little actions have defined how I feel or think of myself for as long as I can remember. One example is nail biting, I've been a nail biter since before I can remember and besides when I have to, I've been a non-nail biter for a few months (I say when I have to because a few times I've caught my nail on something at work and either had to bite til it was even or potentially rip it badly on random stuff)

So while I'm proud that I have been doing better at not nail biting, it leaves a huge hole in my mannerism that I don't know what to do with. It's like taking Internet away from anti social people; you can take that away but it wasn't that they were addicted to the Internet or their phones, it was that they felt awkward and needed to hide behind something. I'm now sometimes catching myself just standing there feeling even more awkward than before. That's a good thing even though it sounds negative, eventually I'll learn how to do something better.

Here's a bonus physical/emotional thing: I love when people call me Layla. Like I want to be talked to or noticed just because I want to hear people use my name as opposed to when I wanted to be invisible just because I knew they'd use my name and I just felt rage, sadness or insecurity just by hearing it

     I wrote all that to set up my reason for thinking about the stuff I am thinking about right now, I have been falling into a shell of depression lately even though I've come so far. I'm trying to dissect this and fight it but I can't quite get out of it. It's similar to when you're half asleep but trying to be wide awake and alert. It's not as powerful as before but seems to linger longer with me.

I'm trying though...I promise.

Inspired Thoughts

     Where am I? Where was I? Those are very similar questions but with such drastic different answers.

So recently I ran into a hockey player from my favorite team in a nearby mall and the circumstances made me think hard about something. My cousin was going to drop me off to get my phone fixed and I had planned to have another friend pick me up at least 4 hours later, something I didn't want to do very much but it was my only choice.

So I start getting out of his car and he, at the last second, decides he'll go in with me.Cool with me, I was gonna be bored for most of that time. He said if it was gonna be less than like an hourish, he'd stay and it turned out to be an hour; he decided to stay so I didn't have to stay another 3 hours after that and we walked around.

So we're walking around and talking about our plans for the summer and other progressive plans; I look next to me at him and over his head I saw a tall man with red hair. For a second I think, "wow that guy's tall...WAIT!" And it hits me...that's Jake Voracek of the Flyers. Jake freakin Voracek!

I kinda hinted to him that I'd like to fangirl out and get a picture, which he was fine with, and we took a few pictures. I told him good luck than proceeded to freak out to my cousin about how awesome that was.

     So the fact that I just got to meet and talk to a player on my favorite team was beyond cool but my cousin brought up this thought, if he wasn't there I would have seen Voracek and gone crazy...I would have had no phone to capture that moment with.

     He was so right and how lucky was I that he decided just to stay and walk around with me, THEN I said, "Wow...what if we stopped to get gas? This entire random lucky chance would not have happened." And we kinda took a moment to think about how EVERYTHING worked out for meeting to occur. If I didn't make the appointment that exact day, I wouldn't have been at the mall that day, if my cousin picked me up a half hour earlier (like he was planning to at one point) no Jake sighting, if I went to the bathroom like I was going to when we first walked in... that moment doesn't happen.

    This has been a kinda theme in my life lately and while it goes both for the good and for the not so good, I'm trying to remember the things that have been great additions to my life in these kinds of
ways. There was one clear defining moment in my life that had I not decided to take a stand, I would have never lived near the church I go to and I never would have met all the friends I know and love dearly now.

It's kind of insane to think about all the good that came from me moving to Riverside, NJ and what I'd miss out on without that one moment; that one time I refused to go live with my mom and her boyfriend when they were moving and when I refused to go live with the rotting scumbag that donated sperm to create me. I wasn't usually the kind of kid to say something like that exactly but that one moment defined the rest of my life.

     I say all this to myself to fight all the negativity that I hold onto so tightly, I am a mess and have been a screw up more than not BUT I have made it this far and not by accident. I don't know why I'm still here but I am sitting here typing this right now, I'm still here to feel pain daily over losing my Uncle Mike and over never having a 'dad' and other things that have sucked...but I made it through all of that and a lot more. I made it.

     If I made it, you can make it too. You  really can. And not only can you but you can have an awesome story to tell someone else and maybe you can tell someone your story and inspire them to keep going. If we can make it this far, far enough to be reading what I'm typing...if we can get to tomorrow together as friends or family or strangers who need each other, then we can seriously make something great happen for ourselves and for someone else.

     I don't like to use foul language much but here's the bottom line, This world is fucked up and will not stop fucking you up if you let it even a little bit. You and me and your friends and my friends can decide to make something good happen. Let's spread the hope instead of letting this world spread negativity.

Side note:
Thank you so much for reading this blog, there have been times where I was planning on giving up and I truly thank you all for reading and helping give me the inspiration to keep going and thinking there might be something positive to strive for. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thoughts, Lists and Post Event Blues

     So...my Monster Mania experience was cut slightly short and it's all over now...what am I supposed to do now? No really, tell me; I have no idea what I'm gonna do to get to next week and the week after.

It's hard for me to get motivated to get through the hour and the day and the week so I try to give myself little goals that usually work when I have something to look forward to that's within some kind of reach.

Right now I have a wedding I'm in this April, the August Monster Mania to look forward to and those are pretty cool (although each has a downside that kinda makes them a little bittersweet in a small way) but they seem so out of reach during this very hour. I'm not good at saying, "Well next year my tax money will come and I'll be able to legally change my name...I just gotta wait til then...312 days away...that's all..."  It might as well be twenty six years away, that's how I feel today.

So I am trying to calm myself down (hormones are NOT helping this part of me) and find little things to prize myself with in the meantime. One thing I like to do is come up with lists, sometimes silly ones like:

What's the sweatiest movie? (Stole this from the first episode of Cheers)
1. Rocky 4
2. Rambo 3
3. Ben Hur
4. Cool Hand Luke

And others help me figure out what I have to do like:

What future plans am I passionate about?
1. acting
2. writing/script writing
3. drawing
4. photography
5. Trans issues and politics
6. hockey/Flyers hockey
7. pretty things/making things pretty

And some are for organization:

What are my future goals?
1. To legally change my name
2. Travelling
3. writing a script or book
4. Work on breaking things that cause anxiety and depression
5. Surgeries and laser hair removal
6. working out/eating better
7. inventing something








     These things help the fact that I'm feeling lonely at the moment. I'm trying to fight any of the negativity that comes with loneliness. If you pray, pray for that. Thanks.

A Weekend I'll Never Forget

     So this has been quite the weekend. Emotions were flying and things were absolutely great and really annoying at times and gut busting funny at other times and really sad at times. Where should I start?

     Okay I'll start at the beginning, since you said so.
Thursday was painfully slow but I made it through work and I felt such a relief exhale as I left work, knowing I had FIVE days off after that.  Friday morning came and my friends Nick, Mike and I  went to eat before going to Monster Mania. It was great to spend some time around friends I haven't seen in a while and things seemed to work out for us as we got closer to time to go get our wrist bands for everything.

I kinda made the plan for when we'd get there and because I'm ridiculously early to things, I got us there a while early and we had to kill some time. We did and finally the time came that the event opened up.

     SO before going there, I split up with my group and met up with another friend, Lauren. And this is where things went from exciting to mind blowing. My friend, who has been a humongous support system and she's one of the few people who I truly see as family (in a way that doesn't hurt me), gave me directions to the office she works in and I went there.

Once there, she helped me do my makeup for the first time ever. It was such an emotional experience I could barely contain it all. I got dressed up and discovered that I apparently really like the color fuscia in the process.

          Years ago I bought a pair of high heels, they happened to be fuscia. Then a while later, I found a dress online that I liked and bought it...fuscia. the bra I used was guess what color and the lipstick was the same. None of that was intentional, I just happened to find these things and get them while I was able. I have very little by way of feminine clothes and I've been so afraid to walk into a store and buy things like underwear and dresses so I mostly have been buying stuff online.

Aaaaanyway, Laur helped me get ready and showed me some tips on makeup and I had to hold back tears when I was done. I was so excited and she did such a great job and I was actually going to walk around as Layla. It was so full of emotions before even getting there. We left and went to the hotel (where Monster Mania takes place) and I walked through the front door in my high heels, wearing a pink dress and looking unrecognizable.

     It felt so amazing to walk around as Layla in public, although I learned pretty quickly that the heels I own are too small. But it was worth the pain , as I felt so comfortable being treated the way I feel inside. Spoiler: overall two guys checked me out and that was proof that Lauren's makeup job was perfect. By the way, I'm not gay so I didn't want to be hit on by guys so don't think that has changed; it was only a good thing because my makeup looked real and good...and real good.

     The best part of my entrance was awesome, so I went there with two friends, Mike and Nick. Nick was waiting to pay for food but Mike walked toward me. I was sitting down, charging my phone and I looked right at him as he walked closer. He walked past me, like one foot foot away from me and didn't say anything. I thought he saw me and was ignoring me as a joke or something. I waited a minute or two and stood up, put my heels back on and walked toward where he was. I got close enough to almost be face to face and said, "Hey Mike."

He was in shock and then he said, "Is that you?!" His face was first in awe of realizing who I was and then just laughing. One of my good Friends, who came with me to go there and who knows me very well, didn't realize it was me EVEN when I was right in front of him. IT.WAS.AWESOME.

And after the shock and hilarity wore off, he told me he was proud of me and he supports me; that meant a lot to me.

     I passed by a good amount of friends who I know that didn't recognize me even though I was very close and again that was great proof that my makeup was well done. I loved that. After a while there was a VIP party and it was the most disappointing one I've ever been to. The only good thing was getting to hang out with all 3 of my groups at once for a little bit.

     We left early and I got to say hi to the IT kids (Chosen Jacob, Jaeden Lieberher, Wyatt Oleff, Sophia Lillis and Jeremy Ray Taylor) as they went in, we went back to the hotel and I got cleaned up and we had a blast hanging out; staying up till like 5am. 

Saturday: I don't want to get into the negative stuff because I have a very high respect level for Dave Hagan and the rest of the Monster Mania crew so I'm gonna leave it at this one day, things were not all great.  The one great part was getting to meet an actor who played a large role in my favorite movie of all time.

I got inside and went immediately to the table where Richard Refuse was supposed to be signing autographs and taking pictures with fans, he was on a lunch break and I happily waited there. He got back and was talking about some things that happened on the set of Jaws. JAWS! The very first movie I ever watched...EVER.
He offered me a coke, which I took humbly and then he looked at a staff member behind him and asked if there was a 7/11 nearby. He then told everyone in line that he's buying if anyone wanted anything from 7/11. I was blown away, making sure to keep the coke can he personally gave me.

     So I stepped up when he was ready and I got a laser disc of Jaws signed and then took a picture with him. It was awesome and he was very nice. Just as he was about to go to the next person, I got to tell him Jaws was the first movie I ever watched and it's been my favorite ever since. I thanked him and shook his hand. It was really great to get that chance.

     After all is said and done, I had a decent time and absolutely loved walking around feeling comfortable and less pressure then anywhere else. It was a weekend I'll never forget. It was Layla's first public appearance ever. I gotta send a special thanks to My friends, Lauren, Nick, Mike, my cousin Ryan, my cousin Sean and his fiancee Josie and everyone else who I met or interacted with this weekend. I am so happy I got this chance and can hardly wait to do something like that again soon. <3