Now vs. Then

   
Yesterday signifies something really big for me, something I've been waiting for for a very long time:
    I have officially started HRT! I went through a lot of scary scenarios in the last 2 months and thought I might not have been able to but after a cardiologist visit and many tests I am started on estrogen FINALLY!

     It's funny because people who I've told about myself have known for about 2 years, maybe a little more but for me it's been like 31 years that I've been dealing with this and waiting for this. I understand some people thinking I'm making an impulsive decision or that I am not thinking this through thoroughly but I can remember being 7 years old, watching little girls in class or passing me in a mall or wherever and just wishing so hard that I could live the life she had.

     So this gave me a thought, throughout my life what is the now vs. then comparison in many ways. For example, when I was about 15 I moved to my Uncle's house; at that time where I was mentally and what I wanted in life and what I thought was SOO vastly different for what I am today.

     Back then: God was absolutely not a thought to me. Back then politics was something I avoided at all cost (probably because I didn't want to have to actually learn something) and back then I thought every single person in life was either a drunk or abused by a drunk, so why try to succeed.

     Now: God has been a very important aspect of my life (while I do not have the greatest relationship with Him and I have my doubts and fears, God ha played a huge part in my life in every single way), Politics have become very important to me (learning where or country is going and who is trying to gain power in the world is not only important to me but necessary) and I have successfully made it through college and have brought myself back from being homeless at times and have done what it takes to get far from that drunk mentality.

     Back then: When I was young, like 7 or 8, I did everything I could to hide any thoughts of femininity at all. I ignored and pretended to be someone I was not so hard that it affected me on a deep level. Anything I did that wasn't "typically male" was hidden from everyone no matter what and I did things and played with toys and talked about things that I internally hated just to pretend I was what I was supposed to be.

     Now: Since opening up to those close to me about my true self, I have honestly been feeling like a human. I have been slowly opening up more and more and letting myself feel comfort in my regular life that I've never been able to feel at all ever before.

It reminds me of this: clench a muscle, now hold it for an hour. Imagine at that point, the people you trust or should trust the most tell you that you're a sick monster if you unclench that muscle and you're told society knows that unclenching that muscle is just wrong and never okay ever. So hold it clenched for a day, a week and a year.


Now unclench it and feel that comfortable feeling...that's what I'm slowly feeling right now. It's almost scary even though it's been at least respected as a decision I've already made but it feels like I'm actually allowed to be relaxed in that way. Ever.

It's not just freeing, it's like having that muscle back or in my case, having that muscle for the first time.
There was an episode of House MD that displayed this philosophy, a Canadian soldier was angry and messing with House and one day House broke into his house and helped him to unclench a muscle, it was actually an arm that he lost in war; when he lost it it was clenched hard and he never lost that feeling till House showed him how to relax that phantom pain

     Back then: I walked around looking at everyone, kinda studying everyone else and wondering
why I couldn't be a normal standard male human. It made me think I was an alien or a freak or like an Xman but with no cool powers. I often held that against myself and sometimes I held it against friends and treated them badly; I tried to copy what others did but like pinterest attempts, that usually went hilariously bad...nailed it.

 I thought of myself as the one that  was meant to just be made fun of and left out and the odd man out...so to speak. No other male friends wanted so badly to wear and do makeup, no other male Friends wanted to dress and look pretty while hating...despising being considered handsome or manly. And no other male friends of mine as a kid were just so sad because they had to pretend to like GI Joe's or Transformers, they all loved it and it was clear.

     Now: In the last few months, I've been slowly working more things in my life that I truly enjoy and taking out things I don't. It's been a lot of fun growing my hair out and wearing nail polish and wearing small amounts of makeup then seeing how people do or do not notice these little changes. I think it's in the best interest for me and for the people around me that I respect that I make slow changes and kinda allow us all to accept these changes little by little. It's kinda like growth, we didn't wake up one day as full grown adults and I am kinda treating this like that. It's for myself to slowly be able to enjoy and understand what I'm doing fully as much as it is for my friends and those I consider family to take it in slowly.

I don't think it would help anyone else to see me one day just wearing a dress the day after wearing khaki pants and looking the way I regularly look; the culture shock isn't worth the ripple it would create especially when there is a way that I can do what I want and need to but do it in a way to avoid that potentially rude and harmful quick jump into femininity.

 I'm not saying that anyone else should not do that, every single case of someone coming out as gay or trans or nonbinary should be taking as a 
special and delicate situation and treated based on what's going on in THAT situation specifically. No two situations are exactly alike nor should they be handled the same just because another person's situation went a certain way.

     So today is the first day of me living the life I feel I deserve, it's not going to be easy and it's going to bring a lot of problems that I will need to deal with and learn on the fly how to handle but it's the life I know I will actually feel like it's worth living and I hope anyone who is struggling can find a way to get to the point where they're living a life worth living to them.

     To anyone who has kept up with my diary, I can't thank you enough and I want you to know that through my suicidal issues and through my depression and through my bad times, I know at the end of the day I don't want to die or be miserable; I want to be happy and be okay. And I'm trying.

Thank you.

Inspire

     So today is the beginning of my tests...I'm nervous although not as scared as I was a few weeks ago. I think it'll be okay overall. Today is my cardiologist appointment and while I got violently sick yesterday, at 4:30 am I am feeling good enough to fight through any of the nausea or stomach pains.

Let me give you a glimpse into yesterday's craziness:

     I went to work early and had a tooth ache, a bad one. I kept taking ibuprofen but literally every few minutes the pain would come right back so I took like 1 or 2 every once in a while.


Then I bought naproxen, thinking it might help curb the pain better AND THEN I got a migraine feeling so I took some exedrin. This was all in a span of 8am-4pm so it wasn't really a long time and by the end of my work day I started feeling too sick to keep going.

Near the end of my work day, I started feeling like I was getting overheated and thought I was getting a fever. So I bought some airborne (the store brand, let's be real...I'm poor) and almost the moment I finished drinking that, I got really dizzy and light headed.
Like, it was crazy how odd and scared I felt for about 30 minutes. I took a 15 minute break and  still felt like I wasn't actually there, it was really weird and scary. After that kinda calmed down, I started feeling really nauseous; a nausea I haven't felt in so long.

   *For anyone who feels better after throwing up, more power to ya. When I throw up it signals the end of the day for me no matter what time it is. So when I can, I do ANYTHING I can to avoid throwing up. Call me a wuss or call me whatever else you want but I have taken precautions to not throw up for over ten years...till yesterday. Insert sad face here.

     I ended up leaving work an hour early and had to ride my bike as fast as I could to catch the train, which made my stomach feel just wonderful, and made it back to my place in time to get violently ill.


Around 5pm I went to sleep between moans of pain and runs to the bathroom (sorry for the visual but it's what happened) I think at about 9pm, I got a ridiculous craving for Taki chips even though I still felt just awful, I stood up a few times only to need to lay right back down seconds later.

At around 1am, I started to feel really hungry and stood up for long enough to be able to take a small walk to Wawa, I got a small hoagie some Taki's and chocolate milk and THANK GOD I was able to eat most of it and even went to sleep for a while after that. I know I shouldn't sleep right after eating like that but I just needed to sleep so bad it was good to be able to.

     I woke up about 4:30ish and now I feel good enough to be able to stand existing FINALLY. And while sitting here I have some thoughts I want to air out and hopefully help someone somewhere...

I was talking to someone recently who mentioned they were abused as a kid and I think this is something this country needs to think about and needs desperately to find a way to stop. Abusing a child forever changes their lives in such a deep and sometimes devastating way.

A kid's innocence is always taken from them and they have such a  high potential to be demented or suffer depression or it could influence them to do harmful things...there are way too many cases of people committing heinous acts to themselves or others; things that can be directly or indirectly attributed to the sexual, emotional or manipulative abuse they went through.

I was lucky enough to barely ever, if ever, be physically abused and I was never sexually abused but there was a lot of emotional and manipulative abuse in my life that, to this day, affects me daily. One specific memory that hits me regularly is when I was a kid (I forget how old I was), I was told to throw away my favorite childhood blanket by my mom's at-the-time boyfriend. He was rude and mean and told me I was stupid or childish for wanting to keep it and one day when I went to school, he put it in a trash bag. When I came back from school, he yelled at me for not taking the trash out and made me do it right then. Then when the trash truck came later on, he pointed to it and told me my blanket was gone forever and told me that I chose to throw it away.

     That haunts me, not because I miss that blanket necessarily but because he used it in the most malicious way and threw that entire situation in my face as a little kid. I do miss that blanket and if I had the chance, I would have cut it into small pieces and kept them as a keepsake at least; that blanket was with me during some very rough times as a kid and it meant something to me that I felt I lost forever that day.

     Another memory that haunts me was when I came in from being outside and that same piece of work was sitting in the living room. He looked sad and tired and I asked if he was okay or what was going on, something like that. He slowly answered me by telling me a whole story that actually still kinda scares me. He told me he and my mom got into a fight, it started out verbal like usual. I wasn't surprised and he continued, telling me they fight got physical and she grabbed a knife.

He paused and said she was so angry at him that she sliced her neck from ear to ear. Tears filled my eyes and I was shocked, stunned, frozen; I had no idea what to do. I've never been that close to my biological mother but that was scary to hear at 9 years old.


So I'm standing there trying to come to terms with my mom's death or at the very least major injury, since he didn't say she was dead. He sat there, looking stunned and I was absolutely immovable...then my mom walked out of her living room. SHE WAS FINE!
Angry and not pleasant, but her neck was fully intact. I then was just...I could not believe a human adult would tell a child that story. My mind still has trouble believing there is that much evil in everyday life.

Things like that have changed my mental state forever, I am slightly demented and messed up because of these stories and a few more things; between that guy and my biological father I had enough mental abuse to last a lifetime or 3 and without all that I have a much better chance at being normal and better adjusted today.

     I know there are people who have bene through much worse than I have and people who have both hurt themselves or others and who have become something successful after going through their torture stories and I want to offer something positive to anyone going through or anyone who has gone through any kind of abuse:

You can do great things. You can help others or stop the people who have abused you and make this world a better place, you can take that evil energy and rage and use that to fuel something that helps fix these situations.If you've been through heinous things and you're still around YOU are a success. You are. I don't mean people like you who are prefect or talented in some way, I mean you...the person who may be struggling to make ends meet or you fight to make it to the end of everyday or the perosn who messes up a lot but still sees the next morning. YOU are an inspiration to someone.

Thank you, to everyone like this. You're why I'm still alive and you inspire 

me. You inspire more people than you could posisbly know. Don't give up. 

     It's funny, I was gonna write about trans people who suffer abuse and how that affects us (which it's true) but this is an issue that affects so many. I don't want to limit it to black or white people, to the trans community or cisgendered people or non-binary people or just poor people, etc. It hurts anyone and everyone affected by abuse and I want to see people as a whole do 2 things:
   1. Rise above their situation and become an inspiration to others
   2. Do what we can to stop abusers from corrupting innocent kids.

Thank you for reading this and feel free to share this with anyone who you think reading this could help.

January 22nd 2018 Update

     Vincent: I've been dealing with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and insane amounts of random bad luck lately and that has been affecting my life in a big way. I've missed work, I've missed out on things for friends and I've been giving myself migraines from the stress of all that. And of course, I had to do something to help my situation, I broke my tooth the other day and it is killing me.


I've given up trying to keep up with friends or anyone else and that has it's good and bad sides. Oh and every day I get called Vincent or he or get asked to do something because "I'm a guy" makes it harder to deal with, I do not feel like a guy in any way other than my body so it's getting harder to hear; I'm not saying I'm going to yell at anyone who uses those terms, I'm just saying I feel it more and more that I want so badly to put 'Vincent' away for good.


     Layla: It's been so hard not to start the hormones I have in my possession, it would be so easy to just start them and not even tell my Dr. I'm not gonna do that but it would be so easy and it would make me feel a lot more comfortable. I've gained so much weight lately that it's crazy, maybe it's because I haven't been walking for about a month now but I think it's because I stopped estrogen (that's when it started to add up so quickly, I've gained about 25 lbs since stopping)

On the positive side, I've been slowly introducing more feminine things into my world, mostly for the sake of my friends and that's been going okay. I started painting my nails months ago and now my friends aren't shocked when they see that and I've been wearing more pink and more softer colors and clothes that are more stereotypically feminine; my hair is getting pretty long and I love that.

And another really cool...let's call it a side effect of being open about myself is my dreams. So I have always had dreams that I had to hide being feminine, like one specific one was when I was in 6th grade.

I was walking home from school one random day and I realized I was growing breasts; my chest

started to ache and I was trying to be as invisible as I could. As I was nearly safe from every one's view, a friend came and told me I needed to be a safety that day (I was a safety in school for a while and had to wear a bright orange belt and a badge after school) So I go to a corner and help kids cross the street but I'm trying my hardest to hide that  my body is becoming more feminine by the minute; by the end kids didn't recognize me till I spoke.

I felt so embarrassed when I woke up and that ramped my hiding of the truth by a lot. I tried harder to be more manly for a while and tried so hard to stay away fro anything even remotely feminine.

Now, I have been dreaming myself as a female completely for a while now, it's interesting how my mind changes how my dreams are based on how things go in life. I'm nt saying that I'm a biological female or that I ever will be but my mind knows what I am inside and has begun kinda recentering certain things. It's pretty fascinating.

     I have two appoin tments coming up this week and I am terrified that the cardiologist appointment will not go well so I would appreciate any kind words or prayers. If that goes well, the apointment at

Mazzoni Center will go really well and I'll be allowed to start medicine.

I'm anticipating these and hoping for the best. I'm realy hoping in a few years I'll be able to talk about all of this as a stepping stone toward Layla's emergence and a renewed life. Hoping...hoping...

Impatience Abounds

     So...I have told all my closest friends and all the people I think deserve to know what I've been dealing with for most or all of my life. I sat down with or messaged (those who I couldn't sit down with) and told them that I'm trans, I told them I've been delaing with it since I was young enough to think for myself and that my choice for my life is to transition from male to identifying as female.

(Disclaimer: I know I will never be a genetic female and I don't expect anyone to change anything about their life. It is my choice and I will respect if no one ever refers to me as a female or uses feminine pronouns when referring to me. But on the other hand, I am a person who is trying his/her hardest to live a life I want to actually live. I've been suicidal since I was under 10 and for the first time, I don't wake up every morning wishing a truck would veer off the road and take me out so before you try to mic drop me or [rudely] use masculine pronouns just to hurt me know that you're tipping the scale toward suicide wayy more than you are holding some truth you believe in.)

     So anyway, I told everyone that I think deserves to be told perosnally and now I'm waiting to start my transition. And let me just say, it is SOOOO HARD to wait for something you have dreamt of and thought about nonstop since you were like 4!! The worst part is I'm waiting for a cardiologist to say my heart is okay and then I can start. AND I hav ethe estrogen pills in my possession; I have for months now. Which means I've been sitting on them and waiting...and waiting...and waiting... (I think you get my point)...and waiting...

Now I'm coming up to my appointment at the Mazzoni Center in Philadelphia (the greatest city in the world) and I'm hoping and praying that all goes well. The best case scenario is that I'll be ab;e to start hormones then and physically begin my transition based on my appointment two days before that with my cardiologist. I'm both excited about the possibility of starting my physical transition from Vincent to Layla and scared that they'll tel me I can't transition for some medical reason. But either way, I'm going crazy right now because I'm stuck waiting for any answer.

     And it's funny because passing is a very important part of my future so I'm impatiently hoping to get started asap. Passing as female is important because I've seen many people who do not pass and they deal with looks and being talked about pretty much every time they go anywhere public and I do not want that. I want to just go about my life and dress how I feel comfortable and do things and go to departments in stores that I feel comfortable and talk about the things I enjoy and not be stared at all the time.
I've been made fun and talked about and made to feel awkward a lot in my life already and I would ideally like to not go through that anymore.

I even had a friend who does not agree with my choice to transition didn't think I was going to go through with it because she hasn't seen me wear feminie clothes or hasn't seen any physical changes in me yet.

I'm ready to take on the challenges of people askig questions and the challenge of firends seeing my body changing and the challenge of standing up in public and embracing who and what I truly am; again with the hope oflooking even close to the way I fele on the inside.

     Ok so my final thought is about my name. When I was looking for a name to represent me as an identifying female, I went through so many names I can't count them and came to a few I really liked. One that I wanted as my first name was Jade, it's unique and sounds very quirky in a way, another was Layla. I liked them a lot and eventually started going by Layla Jade. My last name is very important, I will admit it is heavily influenced by my favorite tv show: I am a Gilmore Girl at heart so Gilmore is THE name.  SO I recently decided since I am very clse to legally changing my name, I want to make sure it's the right name for me and decided to change the middle name to Lee; it goes well and I truly love the sound of Layla Lee Gilmore. For the firs ttime in my entire life, I love hearing my own name. So as I get closer to legally changing my name, I will change it to Layla Lee Gimore and have no regrets as I start a new chapter in my life.

Positivity or Something Like it

     So I know this blog/diary makes me sound like I'm walking around with constant and undying bitterness and hatred but I'm not like that most of the time. In fact, one thing I like about my personality is my ability to be sympathetic or caring when I see others having a tough time. Even those who I'm not fond of or flat out don't like can gain my empathy by having a bad day.

     I'm saying all this because I want to try. By try I mean I want to try to be more positive in life and try to focus on the positive things and people who enter my life and I want to try to put my energy into pushing inspiration instead of only gaining sympathythrough my struggles. This doesn't mean I'll stop letting at least some of the darkness that I need to let out but it doesn mean I want to make some positive things more clear and try to focus on those more and more.

     So this is where I let out some of the dark things in my mind first:
Right now, suicide is a very hard thing to ignore. I know that sucks to read, it sucks to have to type it but it is the truth. Recently, I was waiting for the train to come and as it got closer I kept imagining jumping in front of it. I thought, 'Would I feel it? Would it take long to finish me? What would people there do?' and more thoughts along those lines.

I'm not proud of that fact but it's been very strong lately and I feel more and more worthless as I need more help; it's a circle of negativity: the more I need help, the less I feel worth anything and that makes me need more help.

I think this is so strong right now because I've been getting hit my overwhelming big things one after another and I can't seem to get my head above water before getting hit by another big life thing. It's been emotional stuff, it's been monetary and it's been loneliness things that have been hitting me. One of the hardest parts of pretty much everything lately is that there is no physical enemy to blame or be angry at (besides me, of course) It's not like a bully has been stealing my lunch money, it's like my bike broke and I lost my keys. I have no one to blame or aim my anger at so I'm just stuck sitting there being angrier and angrier...at no one.

This, coupled with the heaviness of the things that have ge tto me most have led me to deeper depression and anxiety, which guides me toward the thought that ending my life is better than living this life out. Again let me say, I'm not proud ofg this line of thinking but if I keep it all in my own head and don't honestly let it out, I will be much more likely to follow through with it. Please pray for me in this area if you pray and if not, sned a kind message or write me a letter or something.

     That's pretty heavy, right? I know, I know. So there's that and now I want to share some positive thoughts, things inspired by friends and other areas of life.

Okay, I want to start off by saying that as bad as things sound on here, my friends have pretty much all been greater and greater than I deserve.
And I'm not saying that to put myself down, I'm saying that my firends have really truly been supportive (not necessarily of what choices I'm making but of my well being overall) and have helped where they can. I really can't  find enough words to express my thankfulness, like really really. (Great literacy there, I know. I word really good.) I hope that explains thoroughly how I feel about my friends.

I'm not going to name any specific friends because I would leave someone out accidentally and that would be an injustice to those friends so I'll just say this: You know who you are and I love you for who you are.

Inspiration:

     Inspiration is one of the greatest riches you can possess in the world today, it's far more important than gold or riches. Second to that would be respect for the most part and a person possessing these two traits can change the world.
Though I regularly see people being rude, self centered and ignorant (as a cashier), I also see people who are respectful, kind and thoughtful and those people change someone's entire with even the smallest gesture. I try to be that person who makes someone's bad day a little better than before.

Fan, You're About to Get Hit

    As I look around my world,  I feel that

"How did I get here? 

I'm not actually here, am I" 

kind of feel. Life keeps going and days rmble on like a boulder rolling down a small unimpressive hill; the ironic thing is every day seems to drag on forever but at the end of it, it feels like seconds ago I was just waking up and then in a heartbeat, it's four days later. I often see time as a haze of interesting things and boring empty days of the week and terrible vengefully bad days...and a few solid good times too, said I reluctantly. 

     This is as poetic as I will get, I promise. The cold hard thruth is I often just want the day to end and it never seems to make anything better when it does. Ya know that thought, "Tomorrow is a new day. Just as long as THIS day is over." well that thought is my refuge from my black cloud of a life but it doesn't restart anything. The same bad stuff, negative thoughts, unending bad luck and awkward attempts at being less than bitter/sad happen; I do have good times and I do have some good luck but the ratio kills me. 

 The example of my luck I think of regularly is:

     Living the life I do, getting a great deal on a tractor trailer 

would be really great...but will do nothing for me at all. 

So while it could be a blessing, it's not to me. At all.

     I don't try to ignore blessings and good things, I really dont. Every time  something good comes along that isn't helpful, I try very very hard to take the menaing behind it or extract the heart it came from or even just accept it graciously. And I know this is going to sound very bad to people who believe in God's love but everyday I believe less and less that he loves me...likes me...cares at all...isn't making fun of me or putting me in situations where I will lose. 

     I understand the principle of recieving things, being gracious with small things could lead to getting greater things. But here's how it feels to me:

God: Hey there...you.

Me: Umm, Hi. I need some help.

God: Oh? oh, yeah. I know that...everyone needs help. What do you need?

Me: Well, I need some love and a lot of money. Well a lot to me, enough to cover rent and eat and buy the things I need. And I need a way to make my head better, I'm kinda messed up from birth and it doesn't get better when stress only gets stronger every single day, I could use some kind of break from that, maybe something to restart my battery. 

God: Ah. Yeah...yeah, I see what you mean. SO you need money to live andsomeone to love you and accept you and you need things? That's not too much for ME. 

*God reaches down*

Me: Well thank you...umm, I don't want to sound disrespectful...but this is a nickel. I appreciate it...but I need $500.00 a month just for rent and I make enough to cover that...but I need to eat and, like, do things all the time.

God: Be thankful for what you have.

Me: My bike just broke, a nickel won't pay for that.

God: So you aren't gracious?

Me: Umm...I am gracious but the gift isn't enough. and while I was just thinking about that, my pants ripped, I lost my hat and gloves, I got sick and the otehr day I nearly killed myself because it's just too overwhelming for me...ca I get some more help? Please?

*God reaches down again*

Me: Is this a pen? It's...it's a nice pen but this solves literally nothing. In fact now I have to take care of this expensive looking pen. AND while I was sitting here, I got evicted from where I was living and I accidentally insulted someone I didn't even intend to speak to and now my job is on thin ice. That adds a ton of more stress that I couldn't handle before...how does this help?

*God reches down, this time with a little annoyance*

Me: Well thank you. Thank you for the one free meal. I really appreciate that.

Me: But what about my bike? Or my living situation? And I know I've been denying this for, well, all my life but I need to be honest with everyone about my gender issues.

God: I've taken care of all that.

Me: Really??

God: No, but I did make you think I did for a little bit. Are you stress free now? For a few minutes, you didn't have those life affecting, heavy, potentially dark things to think about. You're welcome.

Me: WHAT ON EARTH!!! BUT NOTHING CHANGED AND I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THAT DARK STUFF! SO WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME IN A REAL WAY??

God: I lifted all those problems to let you recharge your battery.

Me: But you didn't actually change anything. I still need all those things AND NOW I've been accused of stealing money that I didn't steal at work so thats's EVEN MORE STRESS!

God: You are ungreatful, I'm going to punish you by taking your favorite sport away from you and pushing your friends away from you for a time. Oh and your still you so...punishment.

Me: And I can't end myself?

God: Nope, that would be wrong.

Me: So can I get some kind of REAL reward for NOT ending myself?

God: You're alive, that's reward enough.

Me: Umm...screw you!

God: . . .

Me: And my ONE family member that means anything to me just moved away...that's just great...can you replace that void in my life?

God: . . .

Me: And NOW I might have a heart condition. Great, thanks...I really needed that in my life. Oh and as much as I want to be angry anout everything, I gotta say thank you for the bike you found a way to get me.

God: . . .

Me: So...today I saw someone else do something really good. It helped a very little. Thanks. Umm...but I still have no friends around or a place to call my own...or enough money to eat food that's god for me...and I am still in need of serious mental help...and I may have a bad heart...and that bike just broke too. Sooo...little help? I was thankful, so that's something...right?

God: . . .

Me: Umm...God? It's me...the transgendered, hurting, empty, lonely, poor, suicidal individual that needs a lot of help.

God: . . .

Me: Welp...I'll be here slowly drowning in my own filth of a life if you need me...I'll accept pretty much anything at this point...You know I was ignored all through highschool and it makes me hateful to be constantly ignored, like I can't even help that. ou would know, you put me in that awful school with tose awful people and gave me no support through family or friends or any hope that anything would get any better...just saying...as I drown slowly...

God: You're ungreatful. PUNISHMENT!

Me: At THIS point...whatever. Punish me. Whther I try to do good or bad, I get the floor taken from me the exact second I feel comfortable. Every.Damn. Time.

God: . . .

Me: Great...ignored...again...Good thing nothing has gotten better, cause if not this might be bad psychologically.

Me: Ok...things got worse.

Me: Not even kidding...things are like scary bad right now. I'm not asking for like a lot, just SOMETHING.

Me: Fuck me.

God: You don't believe I love you. Punishment, this is gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

Me: Are you kidding me?! So I have to be flawless to get any help? By the way...tonight I nearly died. It's only because I didn't want to hurt my friends that I didn't.

     Okay, I could go on a lot more but I think this thoroughly serves the purpose of expressing how I feel. I want to believe things are not this way and I want to have hope that things will get better, I really do. I know I've gotten through some crazy times and made it out but the tank is near empty and I am running out of ways to beg strangers and friends for help; they're getting a little tired of it too. To the credit and amazing care of my friends, I cannot thank each and every one of them enough. To the friends who have spent time talking to me or letting me rant to the friends who have sent me things to the many many rides and rooms they've offered to the friends who have spent their energy on me...I thank you from the bottom of my slwoly draining heart. You're the only reason I'm still here right now to type this very diary entry.

Late Night Rant

     So I've been having trouble putting my thought into words for a while now but I'm trying to get back into it. It's really therapeutic for me to get stuff out of my head and onto a virtual notepad. Over the last month I have bene so busy between moving (4 times since November, yeah...you read that right) and stress from all directions, I have really gotten myself stuck in my own head.

     So I want to get some of the issues and thoughts out of my 'sometimes steel trap of negativity' of a mind and try to work from here. so...

     Well the first and most stressful thing I have been dealing with is the pausing of my transition and recent kinda inability to talk about it to many people. I know that is a lot to toss out so I'll unravel it and explain each layer:

* My transition started seemingly too easy, I got into my clinic and things were moving along pretty quickly...until...I had an EKG done and my Dr saw something worrying. She instructed me to see a cardiologist, which took over a month to find and see. Breaking this down even further, I misunderstood my Dr and thought I could start taking hormones, then I found out I shouldn't have and stopped. That was devistating at the time because I didn't have insurance and couldn't afford a cardiologist. For a few weeks, I really barely held on to any kind of hope of anything ever being even okay. Depression made it hard to do anything and I thought I wasn't going to be able to transition, which terrifies me.

I finally opened up to everyone that matters to me and have been doing little things that I want to lead to me fully and completely transitioning from male to identifying as female. (For anyone who disagrees with this decision, I know I am not going to ever be a true female and I don't have any delusions that this move will be as satisfying as the imagination I have about transitioning but I am doing as much as I can to make myself as comfortable as possible in the little bit of life I have left here on earth.

* Lately, I haven't really had many people to talk to about specifically my transition. I have many people to talk to but between the holiday busyness and my friends all kinda having major things going on in their lives, it's been hard to catch some of them and the ones who have been free arenb't okay with this so I don't bring it up to those.

* And finally, the thing that seems to remind me it exists whenever I try to get any success started: Depression. 

Depression has caused me to skip things I would have enjoyed, especially the Thanksgiving/Christmas time of year. The reason I haven't been able to put thoughts together to write in this for a while is the same reason I backed out of plans a few times and the same reason I would rather peel my eyelids off than talk on the phone to anyone. Depression/anxiety has such a strong hold on me at times. I'm still trying to figure a way to beat that...

     So all of that has made it hard to acknowledge the god things that have happened in the last few weeks, which I need to remind myself that amid the darkness of all of that I do have things to look at and be greatful for.

My friend, one of my longest and most important friendships in a way, did something I could not be more humbled by. She gave me a computer to use, she heard mine broke and sent me one she had and wasn't using. She absolutely blew me away with her generosity and willingness to help.
And two frineds from my high school years have reached out to me lately and in their own way have made me feel honored to have them as friends.

One who I never really talked to in school (I was friends with her brothers) spent some time with me and is always there for me when I need someone to text. I hope to get more time to hang out with her and be a help to her even half as much as she is a great friend to me.

Another friend who was very very important to me in highschool happened to see me a few weeks ago in a mall, he asked if it was me he saw ansd we got to talking; I shared what I've been going through in life (being trans) and he is just as a great a friend now as he was back then.

---A quick summary of why I say he's such an important part of my
life: In school I was about the leas tpopular kid, even my closest friends never really had my back. This particular friend was cool with pretty much everyone and could have been like my other firends, he could have let me get made fun of or just walked away when I needed help but he didn't. There were a few times he gave me credit for things or stood up for me. He didn't know at the time but there was one specific time when I had lans to end myself that day, I was so lonely and was being made fun of by someone who I still have trouble not hating...this kid followed me home from school threatening to beat me up the whole way.

Well, the day I was planning to end it all, this friend stuck up for me and didn't care if it made him les popular or whatever, he did the right thing. Him doing that, stopped me from committing suicide...like literally he saved my life and didn't even know it.

So hearing from him recently and knowing he offered his support if/when I need it because he learned what I am...well, there is no greater honor between friends. These friends have all touched me in a time when I've been really down, not exactly my lowest point in life but definately great timing.

OHHH! And another thing I am really happy about is two of my best friends are getting married; they've asled me to be a bridesmaid!! I can't express how much I love that! I'm so excited to be a part of their big day!!

     Ok...I need to get some sleep and gear up to take on tomorrow. Any prayers are appreciated and a kind word or act goes a long way so remember it doesn't take much to make someone's day better or much worse. Keep that in mind and. . .

2017 Year in Review

     So, it's 2018. It feels like a few minutes ago it was 2003 and a day before that it was 1997. I remember when we were all scared of Y2K, it was gonna destroy everything as we knew it...umm...oops.

Ok so I want to review the past 365 days and lay out my plans for this year.

Pros:

     In 2017, I opened up to a lot of people and felt a weight lifted off me in so many ways. It's been interesting teloling people the truth about me and seeing how many people are willing to at least hear my side of this and deal with it with me.

And the friends who are supportive have been beyond amazing, heliing me with little things and just lending an ear or eyes for the ones I text regularly.

Another pro from 2017 is the new experiences I endeavored. I've been to the New Jersey Devils arena twice this year, walked across a few bridges and even rode my bike across the Walt Whitman Bridge twice.

I've also been trying to take the initiative in daily life and learn when to speak up and when to let things go...I'm trying at least, not exactly great at that. I'm working on making me a better, happier person and respecting others while doing it.

I invested a little bit in crypto-currency and I'm enjoying learning how it all works and learning how to make educated guesses with my money.

Cons: 
     This year has been a very trying year in terms of  me fighting through stumbling blocks, specifically for my transition. In early 2017, my road to becoming Layla seemed easy enough.

Things were coming together kinda quickly and without much in the way: I got into a clinic in December of 2016 and have been there for a few appointments in 2017, things seemed to be going smoothly...until about mid 2017.

They did an EKG and something was off just by enough for my Dr there to be cautious and want me to see a cardiologist. At the time, I didn't have health insurance so I couldn't do that. It became SO hard to even get up in the morning. In December of 2017, I got a second EKG and things were better but still not good enough. The thought of not being able to transition is unbearable and that's what I've been thinking for months.

Depression has been strong for most of the year too. I did miss out on a few oppurtunities because depression got to me. Suicide has been more of a thought in the last 3 or 4 months than it has in a while.

     Plans for the future:

I want to focus on 3 things this year and really invest in these.

1. feminization. With my tax money, I am buying a laser hair removal machine and I am determined to learn as mucvh as I can about makeup. Weight loss is going to be a prority too; I want to do all I can to put myself ahead of my chrosomes. I also want to become more educated in transgendersim and even find ways to give back to that community in some way.

2. I want to travel and challenge myself t0o try new things. Whether it's a food I've never tried before or go somewhere I haven't been. See movies I haven't seen before and challenge myself in daily life in small ways.

3. Investing. I bought a very little bit of botcoin, litecoin and ethereum and I want to dive into stocks in 2018. My goal is to learn about trading, investing in real stocks and crypto-currency in the first half of the year and invest shortly after that. I think this is about the smartest way to make money on the side in this day and age and I need to take full advantage of this chance now.





This is as close as I'll get to a resolution, enjoy.