Giving

     I have had giving on my mind for a while now and I want to talk about what it means to me.

When I think of the word "giving" I think about all the times I needed money and had to ask someone (Mom G, Jakie, Glenn, Nate, Josh and Mike, you are all the man...among many other amazing friends) or the rare times I was able to help and give someone money. And it's true that money is usually what people need the most or want more than anything else as a society.

But there is so much more to giving that is so so important, even when giving money itself. There are so many times when the money isn't what you're actually giving, like hope or something good happening that means more than the actual cash switching hands.
I can't tell you how many times I've been given money from friends that helped and was necessary but their positivity was so much more needed.

Hope is something that can come with giving because we (society) often get beat down by life and by work and by fear and by ourselves and by bosses and by...etc; hope kinda feels so far away and sometimes faith in humanity can be restored even a little just by being able to part with a few bucks. And I think the fact that we put so much mental stock in money makes giving feel so much more hopeful too.

Ok, you get what I think about the monetary part of giving so let's talk about giving in other ways or areas:


     Time. Time is a huge thing. Giving your time to someone is such an intangible good that I think it's way more valuable than money most of the time. I have friends who have have let me vent to them or have taken time to sit and talk with me or give advice when needed and the time they gave was just the perfect gift to me. I hope anyone reading this who has given me their time knows how much it has meant to me. I try to pay it forward and if I can, give back to those who gave to me.

     Advice. Good advice is something that is invaluable when given and it's one of the odd things where accepting it is a big part of the gift. And of course advice is given out so many times when not asked for that all advice is accepted with a grain of salt at least at first. Good advice is a treasure and those times when we have no idea what to do and all seems lost is when it's beyond priceless.

Recently, I was in a mood and anxiety induced situation where I just stood there and had no idea what to do, I felt like I couldn't remember when to breathe because I just was in shock and talking to a friend who is currently away but gave me a call, that really helped me not fall off the edge. She gave me some great advice and her time, I couldn't thank her enough for those gifts.

     I also want to add in here giving someone knowledge of God is a huge thing, It's changed my life in such a giant way that Nate invited me to his church. Even though I struggle with my relationship with God and even though I'm going through some very tough things right now, God has been a huge addition to my life and He changed things from grim at best to at least being able to see possible hope in my future.


     I know I've been a taker and in need of giving a lot more than giving in my life but one of my goals in life, one of the few motivation factors for me, is wanting to be able to give and help others. My hope is that there is a day when I can see a person in a position I've been in and do something to give them hope or show them something positive, pay it forward (to put it in a popular phrase)

Fairy Tales vs Real Life

     Fairy tales. We all like them in some way, right? That great romantic story or that perfect shot that wins the game or jumping from a plane and landing on a motorcycle, it's all fairy tales we love imagining ourselves as the hero doing the perfect thing. I do this probably to a fault, I picture myself saying the perfect thing at the perfect time all the time and I regularly imagine scoring the Stanley Cup winning goal in game 7 overtime.

Fairy tales are great and lots of fun but there's a different kind of fairy tale that I talk about when I get upset and refer to them. You see there is this idea of things we're supposed to do and it all seems good and sweet but life usually kicks in and makes that impossible or so out of the realm of possibility that it's at times laughable. I'm going to get into my view on God and society. So here we go.

God:

     God exists. You can disagree but there is so much physical and intangible proof that it's crazy to act like there is no God at all. But where I have a problem is there is this fairy tale life 'good Christians' are supposed to live that sounds really great, one that is physically possible. The problem I've faced is that real life doesn't allow most or all of that for a lot of people (myself included) There are some rules that you're a good or bad Christian, no drinking or smoking, don't have sex before marriage, don't live with your spouse or future spouse before being married and a plethora of other things that sound really good in order to be a good Christian. 

For the people that did these things and succeeded, I applaud you and do not want to endorse you thinking you're wrong or not lucky in any way. I am saying that unless you had a good upbringing and constant support, it's A LOT tougher to stick with this life style, sometimes impossible. 

I hit these little or big things that are like: Well that sounds great, I wish I could just live that way...but...the fact is my life doesn't allow me to do that at all. Living with someone before getting married is a big one for me, I have seen first hand people who didn't live together before marriage and they both regret that years into their marriage. 

Looking at them makes me think if they lived together for 6 moths or a year before getting married, they would have seen what the real significant other is truly like and they could have avoided the negatives of their life right now. 

I've also been in a situation where I basically moved in with someone and had I not done that, I would not have seen the real woman she was and  might have proceeded with marrying her. And HO BOY would I have regretted that move! She had the ability to make herself look like something she's not and I would have fallen for the face she put on instead of seeing the real person she is. 

Society: 

     Society too has this idea of things we should do that we 'have to do' in order to be successful such as saving $10,000 before dating someone or getting married (yes, people have told me this is the only way to have a successful relationship).

Another one that is being challenged currently in the right and wrong ways is that being a  common heterosexual who lives that perfect normal life. Yeah, it's the ideal situation to just be one of the normal ones but is it as simple as live tat way no matter what? And I'm not even going to get into the 'should I do this and not that?' part of this, it's not about that right now. But for someone who is trans or gay or any of the many other categories that you may agree or disagree with,  they don't always have a choice in feeling that way and living that way. 

If you've read any of my entries here, you know I'm trans and I have been trying so hard for so long to be one of the masses in that way. I've tried to be "one of the guys" so hard for so long that I came to a point where I just wanted everything to stop. There isn't an option for me to just fake it till I make it and the more I try the more depressed and suicidal I become. 

There's the fairy tale that if I just live the normal life, over time I'll be okay with it and won't disrupt anyone else's life and I'll be happy and become a Stepford human in a sense. The only problem is that's not working...at all. I have always looked at myself as a female who was forced to wear boys clothes and live as a boy, no amount of anything has changed that in me. 

And I know of people who are gay and have come to the point where they are going to either end their life or live in a way that they can be comfortable. It takes so much energy to keep up that facade, that at the end of a random day we can feel like we've been through weeks worth of energy with no relaxation in between. The fairy tale does not work for us, it's like something is broken and in need of repair. Sexuality and gender aren't the only places where society has a 'fairy tale vs real world' force-field up but they are the most polarizing i current events. I often feel the effects of many of them and I'm constantly feeling like the black sheep of society. Which is why this is even on my mind.

     Well, I would love other perspectives here. Do you see it as fairy tale vs real life ever? Do you think I'm just wrong? Let me know.

My TV Influences

     I am a sitcom junkie and one big reason, like a lot of other people I'm sure, is because they're an escape from my boring life. I also in a weird way look up to certain characters who resemble my own ideals or wishes. I'm going to list four of the most influential characters in my little bit of existence on this oddball planet.

1. Ted Evelyn Mosby.

     Ted, portrayed by Josh Radnor, is a hopeless romantic who at times ruins everything and at times does the perfect thing at the perfect time. His creativity, romantic spirit and opportunistic personality are the essence of why I relate to him and wish I could be more like him.

They wrote him to think ahead in a big way and that optimism is beyond admirable.




2. Bull Shannon.

     Bull Shannon, played perfectly by Richard Moll was a character that looked menacing or seemed weird but the more you learned about the character, the deeper you understood just how real and big his heart was.

Bull often ruined things by being clumsy or not realizing his own strength but when someone needed any kind of help or a friend to be there, he would move mountains to help. There was a particular episode that exemplifies why I appreciate Richard Moll's wacky character: a bailiff by the name of Flo (acted by Florence Halop) had been mean to him all through the show and he didn't retaliate at all.

In the end, she found out she needed $2500 desperately for a reason I forget at the moment and Bull had just received a large amount of money and he instantly gave it to her in an emotional scene for Florence's character. She teared up when she realized he knew she was making fun of him and he still gave the money to her even though he needed it too. Yeah.


3. Harry T. Stone

     Harry was a goofy, sensitive, sweet, romantic, smart, out-of-the-box thinking young judge. Another creative hopeless romantic on my list, he was known for pulling off a silly squirting tie gag and bringing a fighting couple together by pretending to sentence the husband to 20 years in the slammer for a domestic disturbance case, forcing them to reveal that they really care about each other.

Things like that and his ability to bring the best out of people he came in contact with made me want to be a good person early in my life. There was a prostitute character that he gave time to talk with who just needed someone to treat her like a human. That trait in him resonates in my personality regularly when it comes to racism, sexism and any time someone is ignored or forgotten about.

He created in me the desire to do things like pay for someone in line behind me and leave before they realize it, something I hope I can do more and bless more lives through it.

4. Jim Halpert

     I could not have a list like this without adding one of the funniest, romantically gifted, witty characters maybe ever written. Jim was always good for a quick comment, usually at the expense of the deserving Dwight Schrute or the awkward Michael Scott. Jim made pranks into an artform and John  Krasinski's character had patience that both gave us fans hope and drove us crazy at the same time.

     If I had a "Mount Rushmore" of characters that have helped form my own personality, these are it. They've all had very real affects on the way I treat people to this day for what I see as greatly important reasons.

I want to remind myself that while things aren't always great or even good...or even just bad but there are things to look at in our lives that are a positives.

Let me know who would be in your 

"Mount Rushmore" of tv characters.

Thanks for reading and pass it on.

Help

       For many of us in society, opening up about needing help is not only hard to do but it's not even an option. We always feel like it's a shame upon our names to say, "I am not okay and I need help." Like it's a sign of immaturity to not be able to handle some of the very scary or impenetrable obstacles we face in life. 

Phrases like "Man up" or "Pull yourself up by the boot straps" are thrown around in a way that says you're wrong if you can't do it all yourself. It's seen as a weakness if someone can't take care of everything thrown at them and they're looked down on or in some cases, they feel like that's happening even if it's not.

     I recently had to be told that I need to reach out for help and while I know I need help, I get caught up in thinking, "If I ask for help, I'm gonna be an even bigger loser than I already am." Which is a part of why I need the help I need. 

     I don't say this because I ever lie on here but to express that I'm about to be more blunt about something, can I be real for a moment? Okay I will, thanks.

I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I also get so overwhelmed by work or things I have to do or by the fact that I am so far behind in life or by migraines (which lately I've been getting almost daily) or by the fact that I am a slow learner or by the fact that sometimes I can't do simple things because of anxiety. All of these thoughts and more have attacked me very hard in the past and even as recent as today (Monday September 25th 2017 in case you're reading this in the future). I also have trouble believing God is on my side (I believe and have seen the effects of God in most of my friends' lives so it's not like He doesn't exist)

     I'm saying all this because I want to be open with my vulnerabilities and say openly that I need help, I don't think for a second that I am too good to ask for help. I need prayers, I need companionship, I need dinner sometimes, I need to be told I'm wrong sometimes, I need to be right sometimes, I need confidence, I need love, I need...etc.

We often guard ourselves so much, we try so hard to hide the vulnerable spots in our lives and souls but what does that really do? What does it help to act like we're great when we truly need to be fed or loved or...we just need help? I have learned to shed some of that culture and let my vulnerable heart be known but I still sometimes need to be told it's okay to seek help. 

     Let's all try to be honest more than we try to look like we're doing better than we are.

Awkward level: Expert

     Please tell me you remember Steve Urkel. You what??! You don't? Are you calling me old? Ok...yeah, I guess you have a point. Ok so Steve Urkel was a character in a 90's sit-com called Family Matters. You have probably heard the theme song from another one of your old friends (yes, we're friends now and no you can't opt out. Friends are forever)
So this show is based on a good family (the Winslows) and their wacky clumsy neighbor, a young Stephen Urkel, who is a scientist and ruins pretty much everything he touched (except when the writers needed him to do things like...be a scientist)

He comes over all the time without knocking, because neighbors in the 90's were that close, and he was madly in love with the Winslow daughter Laura. Urkel was a lovable loser and he played very well off of his counter part family, mainly the father Carl.

He would come over and the family would be working on a house of cards, slowly standing them up and clearly it took them many hours to work on. Steve would walk in and knock over a broom which would hit the chair at the table housing the elaborate card building...and can you guess what happens next?

Yup, you're right. Carl tries to stop the chair, bumps into Laura and she lands face fist into a pie (there was always a pie for someone's face to end p in) and when the crowd stopped laughing, the house of cards would topple and Urkel would give his famous line, "Ask not what you can do for..." Oh, wait...wrong quote. No, he'd say, "Did I do that?"

The reason I'm bringing all this up is to explain how I see myself a majority of my life. I am quite adept at making the worst of a mistake and creating big problems for anyone close to me at the time.
I don't mean exactly the way Urkel did, he would comically bump into something or drop something and the show would turn into a living Mouse trap game. This hits that and that knocks over a thing, which falls on [insert item that is meant to be protected]

I have had my moments like that but overall, I'm more of the person who says the worst thing at thew worst time or that person that loses or breaks the ONE thing I need at the one moment I need it most and if I were on a sit-com, there would be a moment where I look at the camera and say some silly phrase while waiting for a crowd to laugh and clap. And what makes things worse is I have times where I can see it coming, I can recognize when I'm in the middle of saying or doing something that I'm going to majorly regret. In my mind I'm screaming,

"STOP! STOP NOW! Ok. stop now...You...you didn't stop. 

Why didn't you...Oh and now you're still going?! 

Why would you still go?! What could you...oh boy...you just made it worse. 

You couldn't possibly make it...wow...you. just. made. it. worse."

I can sometimes see that I'm about to ruin things and I could do one of two things: I could keep going and hope it doesn't go as bad as it could (hint: It ALWAYS goes worse than the worst I imagined it could go) Or I could try to do the opposite or change what I'm doing at least a little. And I've heard that going with your first instinct is usually better than trying to overcompensate so I try to steer the ship out of the way of damage.

I am convinced that even when I try to do the opposite of the wrong decision, I make that choice at the wrong times...George
Costanza's theory fails me.

And as comical as some of this can be or even harmless overall, it drives me mad when I know what I'm going to say is going to be the wrong thing.

You want an example? Like from a tv show? Oh from my life? I can give you one that was hilarious afterwards and barely anyone caught it but I still remember it like it happened yesterday. And I still get embarrassed and laugh most of the time about it.

So the scene is at my church, I was in charge of the morning adult Sunday school service (not like a pastor, kinda the pre service service) I led our tiny group in songs and maybe brought up a verse or something like that.

Well the end came and in my mind I smoothly finished it by saying, "Thanks for coming and you can all circumvent to wherever you are going." then I smiled and everyone clapped and gave me a standing ovation. And then they threw roses at me and asked me to give a speech on how great it is to be me.

Now here's how it happened outside the awkward playground that is my mind. My mouth opened, words started falling weirdly out and they sounded like this, " Ok everyone, thanks for you coming. You may all circumcise to your rooms..."

You may laugh, you may make fun of me (as if me not giving you permission would stop you) but know that I will laugh harder and make fun of me harder than you ever could. I was also soooo much more embarrassed at that moment when I realized one girl heard that and had to walk out of the room quick before bursting out in laughter.

That's the kinda funny thing I refer to when I talk about saying the wrong things at the wrong times. I'm not only good at it, I'm at expert level saying/doing the wrong things at the wrong times.

I hope this made someone laugh or relate in some way...good luck to us all.

Relating One Thing to Another

     I have always seen my life or my current situation as a metaphor. Usually, I used sports to describe life When I was very young, I saw my life as a mountain. I pictured this mountain as a thrill every second, constantly learning new things and seeing new sights. It was exhilarating even running into trouble because it only meant that when things worked out it would be that much more happy.

Every step and every rock was like new friends and all the possibilities that were ahead of me. I imagines being the hero of my story and it felt like I was destined to win the world over.

...life didn't take long in dismantling that imagination.

     A few years later, I saw my life as a boxing match. This one lasted for a long time and I felt like it was meant to be like that to make me stronger. It hurt that my family was so broken, it was like a very hard hit that nearly knocked me down. But in my mind, I was so strong, I kept positive even though my biological father never wanted me and even though I rarely got things I really wanted.
It was as if I was training for life's hardest hits, so that I could not only take the bad blows but I could succeed. Every setback only made it seem sweeter because I knew I'd overcome anything.

I  was determined, as a 4th or 5th grader to fight back with as much vigor as my movie hero, Rocky Balboa. I hoped my life would mirror those movies and in the end, I always expected to come out on top no matter what.

Then one day, my mom told me she was moving with her boyfriend and I had to choose to go with them or go live with the guy who had donated sperm, biological father. And that moment, while we were in her little red truck, I felt like I truly lost the match. I refused to go with either and lost control even though I kinda had some control. I lost the boxing match and that was over for good.

     Then I felt like I was in a hockey game, this was my favorite analogy although it was my shortest lived of all of them. I still had some hope for a championship in life, I thought that was how life worked. You fight and have passion for things, you try and refuse to give up, you do what you can to move forward and you win in the end.


That's life right? That's what I truly thought as a kid and teenager, boy was I wrong. In hockey, I knew what to do and how to keep up with even the coolest of people. Awkwardness only occurred when the game was over and I tried to relate all of my hockey knowledge to real life. Things like: In hockey, a stay-at-home defenseman let's the offensive opponent make a first move and reacts based on that. Controlling things when you're not in control. I tried to equate that into real life, so if I had an assignment I would "play defense" by starting it early and trying to finish it as quick as possible.

In hockey, you have to know 8 or 9 steps ahead and in real life I tried to think at least a few steps ahead. I became observant and pretty much used this for only very selfish reasons but I still tried to use the "think ahead" logic in real life. I always thought this way about things, "If I do this and this happens because of my decision then that will happen and I'll have to do another thing..."

     Later, I started seeing life as a hike in a heavily windy desert. I felt like I was lost and any and every direction I walked, there was the same amount of wind. Like if I turn left and started trying to push through the wind, it would get stronger till I just couldn't go any further. So I'd make a right turn and try to get out of that wind, for a few seconds I would get away from it. But not long later, it would change directions and again blow in my face. Harder and harder, whipping my cheeks and  causing sand to go into my eyes till I just couldn't take any more.

Then I'd go in the opposite direction, trying to go with the flow of wind...can you guess what happened then? Yeah...same harsh winds in my face till I just was not able to go on.

     The common theme in all of these is I usually feel like I have to fight so hard to do anything that even if I get what I want, it doesn't matter. For example: if I'm trying to go to a museum of some sort, I'll try and not be able to get a ticket. Then I'll get a ticket and at the door I'll find out it doesn't apply on the exact day I go...so I try another day. I buy another ticket and find out the appropriate days and get in, cool right? I'd find out that The ticket I bought is only good for the lobby and that I have to wear a shirt and tie, so I can't even do the lobby because I didn't wear a suit and tie. THEN I'd come back with a suit and tie, buy the better ticket and I'd read all the fine print...only to find out that the exhibit that I wanted to see so badly, the one that I had been wanting to see for a long long time ended the day before I even bought the first ticket. After that, it doesn't even matter if I get in...I don't care at all about anything.

     A real life example of a situation is the Jaws ride. I went to Florida, one of the very few trips I took as a kid...and now that I think of it, the ONLY trip I took as a kid. I went with my mom and her at the time boyfriend (who I was not okay with, to say the least)

So we go there and go to Disney, cool right? I had an okay time, I'm not complaining about getting the chance to go or anything.

I appreciate that I could go but I wanted to do one thing in the entire state of Florida that would have made that trip the BEST EVER. And I found out we were going to Universal Studios on a certain day of our trip and I was so so excited.

I went through Disney kinda like a kid goes through meat so he or she can get to dessert. All I wanted was to go on the famous ride that coincided with my all time favorite movie. We got to Universal Studios and checked out some stuff, which were cool...but I had eyes for ONE thing. We watched a live taping of (get ready to make me feel old in 3. 2. 1...) All That, the Nickelodeon sketch comedy show. I remember smiling and saying I was enjoying my time, which I was, but in my mind I was screaming, "JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE!"

So we finally get to the golden prize of the trip for me, the thing that had been my quest. I saw the line and was so excited, I wanted to cry or scream or hug everyone in the line. I could barely contain myself. So we stood in line, me wearing a Jaws t shirt and yes I even had a Jaws Fanny pack with a Jaws key chain attached to it. I was Jaws' number one fan and just standing in that line, knowing I was going to go on the world famous Jaws ride was blowing my little tiny 12 year old mind.

A half an hour in line and I was thrilled. An hour and a half and they put the movie on, I watched it with excitement. I loved (and still love) that movie so it was very cool to watch it while in line for the ride.2 hours go by and I watched almost the full movie and I watched the line slowly go down, I was closer to the promised land. The movie ends and restarts and I saw the door that led to the ride, I felt like I was in a dream as I got closer and closer to the entrance.

About half way through the movie for the second time, I was in the group to go on the next boat. I could have thrown up or wet myself at that point, I was so nervous. I had been wanting nothing more than going on THAT ride since the day I heard it existed. I thought it would never happen but I WAS NEXT IN LINE! My heart pounded and I saw Hooper get into the cage on the small tv they had and I thought about how great it would be to experience this ride.

There would be no greater moment in my 12 year old life as I watched the door open. A man stepped out and...

     "Okay folks, I'm sorry to say the ride is officially down 

for the day. We're sorry for the inconvenience. 

Enjoy the rest of the park and have a wonderful day."

My.heart.broke. There were no words for how sad I was. I became Sweeney Todd in that scene where he looked openly depressed while sitting on the beach and doing other bright fun looking stuff.
We went to other exhibits and went on rides and I doubt I uncrossed my arms even once.Looking back, it must have been really insulting to my mom and I didn't want to be but I was so so angry and sad and absolutely heart broken. That was our only day at Universal Studios so even if they fixed it the next day I would never get to experience the one reason I even wanted to enter the state of Florida.

Literally the only thing I thought about when I was told we were going there was that one ride.If it had rained and was terrible on the day we went to Disney and I had to get a root canal the day after Universal, going on that ride once would have made that the best trip ever.

But no. The ride shut down many years and I never had the chance to go on it ever.

     So I won in a sense, I got to go to Disney and see a ton of things that anyone else wold have loved. And I did have a little bit of fun before that...but...I lost on the ONE thing I didn't just want to see, I was dying to see. So I lost even though I won.

Being a Friend vs. Being Supportive

     So within the last year, I've told many friends that I'm transgender and that I'm going to be transitioning starting very soon. Very big bomb to drop on friends I've known for over 15 years and some people I've known my whole life. Most of the people I told, I had the chance to sit down with them and explain where this all came from. Just about all of them treated me very politely and respectfully, they all acted the way friends should when confronted with a wildly shocking thing about a close friend.

     If the story ended there though, things would just be boring. Amirite? Some of those friends have  embraced the side of me that I just opened up to them, they've given me tips on things and have let me text them and talk 'girl talk' which has been awesome. The feeling of honestly talking about things like makeup , nail polish and things I've always had to hide is life saving. One friend, who is not in support of this decision, even hung out with me one night and talked about what kind of dresses I like and what style I'd want to have if I were to identify as female.

     Other friends have listened and have given me arguments, things like nothing can truly change my gender and all I would be doing is faking or it's against God to try go through with this or that I don't truly want this deep down. They have some valid arguments, some have tried to attack me and drop truth bombs at my feet. I believe I've been respectful to those who have disagreed and I have listened to anyone's opposing thoughts on this subject. I never want to be a person who can't hear opposition even to my strongest opinions. The only way we grow is by being taught and sometimes being told your opinion is wrong, that another thought is right is the best way to learn. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes that comes from jerks who always want to be right.

     The thing about both of those groups of friends, the thing that a lot of people misconstrue is that neither is being a 'bad friend' for being true to themselves. The group of friends that have been supportive have not been bad friends for helping me embrace something that FOR ONCE in my life makes me want to live. And the other sect of friends are not and have not been bad friends for not agreeing with my decision to go through with transitioning. Even if one or both kinds of friends decide to exit my life or to exclude me from their lives, it is their life and they shouldn't have to have me as a friend if it goes against their beliefs.

     I've heard a lot of trans people who have made the point that if someone doesn't agree or support them, they're not real friends. Because real friends support each other no matter what.Real friends support you...no...matter...what...
That sounds great on the surface, makes a great sticker or meme, but the truth is a real friend wants their friend to succeed no matter what, a real friend might risk losing the physical friendship to show their friend the truth. A real friend is a real friend much more than a superficial one. There were times when I wanted to die, I wanted to stand in front of a car or pull a trigger to end myself and there were NO friends willing to support me in that. They were good friends. They told me that was the worst idea I have ever had and they showed me ways to do better, ways to live. They were the definition of real friends. They did not support me no matter what. I'm glad they were real friends.

     My overall point here is that not supporting things friends don't agree with isn't grounds for calling them bad friends or for treating them poorly. And I think this needs to be taught to anyone who is not in the group of what society knows as more common or the awful word, Normal. (the definition of normal is average or standard, typical)

Eulogy of a Shadow

     So anyone who knows me knows I've dealt with suicide and death a lot in my life. It's kinda like a shadow that has followed me (I know death follows EVERYONE but not everyone feels it as much as some of us twisted special ones)

     Even as a kid, I was obsessed with death and at many point, I've wanted to die. Sometimes it was a just as a way out of a terrible situation, like when I was about 7 and my biological parents were fighting one night very loudly and I was sent to his room. I heard therm and just wanted that feeling to stop, that feeling of hearing people fighting over me. I hated so much that my existence was causing such a  scary argument and it made me want to do anything to stop it.

I thought two things:
     1. If I were to die then, right that night almost in front of them then they'd stop caring about screaming at each other. Might even bring some peace to people who were involved. I thought that would teach them a lesson too. I thought how bad they would feel if a little kid made them learn a lesson.
     1. I just wanted to get out of that situation. I hated hated hated feeling so uncomfortable. I knew nothing about what death was in the grand scheme of things but I knew I would have rather dealt with dying then continue feeling the pain of sadness caused by their fight. It was a soul killing sadness that has bled into my inner thoughts and has followed mr around like a creepy shadow.

     That was all just an intro to the point of this whole thing:
For so long I've wanted to kill me and aim all the sadness at ending myself...or at least I thought I wanted that. When I examine why I think and feel the way I do, I learn that the truth is I want to not feel that sadness or pain. The idea of dying is an escape from that and becomes the consolation prize that I convinced myself I wanted more than my true wish.

     So I thought today at work about what I truly want and two things happened that made me want to put my shadow to rest.

One was a man came to my register. I said my delivery line that I've been conditioned to say, "Hi, How are you today?" and his response was, "Well, my back hurts and my life kinda sucks..." he proceeded to tell me he has cancer because of agent orange, his wife passed away not too long ago, his son is mentally handicapped and he has back, leg and foot pain. The thing is he was smiling the whole time, not like a joyous "everything is awesome even though things aren't great" kinda smile, it was a painful smile. A smile that told more of his story than his story told, it was interesting to hear him complain because his eyes were almost devoid of emotions in a way that told me he has been through so much emotions that there wasn't much left.

And through all of that, he wasn't complaining the way most people do. Most people complain because they expected life to give them so much and it just didn't. He was telling a story of hardships without blaming life or God or others. Through the conversation, he told me his son keeps asking when Mom is coming home and the best thing he could say was, "We'll see mom again when we move and go to her." It was the best way he could explain her death to his son who will never understand...for lack of better words.

The other thing was a status on facebook that connects this man's story to my subconscious. Blaire White (a transgender political/current events youtuber, one of my favorite channels) posted:

     I had to repost it, because it's something I think I expect too much. I will probably either forget or think something bad is the end of the world soon but it at least gave me something to think about for today and has been on my mind.

I try to challenge myself to grow when these kinds of things occur; these bits of deep truth that should change our all of our lives. I know I'm more messed up than most but once in a while I see some truth or bit of wisdom that we should all think about and meditate on in some way. "Life becomes infinitely easier once you accept that it doesn't owe you anything." Very smart words.

I'm not one to give out words of wisdom but these are definitely words people these days should think about regularly. Thank you for reading.

Future Plans and What it Means to Have Them

     So I hear one of the things that suicidal people do is stop planning for the future. It's one of the first signs of someone who is planning on attempting suicide and it's a good telltale sign of depression overall if they stop planning things.

     And since one of the main reasons I'm even writing in this blog is to do what it takes to NOT commit (or attempt) suicide, I'm going to make a list of future plans I have. These are kinda like a bucket list or a resolution in a sense.

1. I want to keep walking and eventually start losing some weight through it. I'm at about 185 right now and I want to get down to 170 at least.

2. I want to learn how to do makeup. It's something I've always been fascinated by, I've done great work with Halloween makeup and I want to master contouring/natural makeup now.

3. I want to convert my room into a recording studio. I am currently trying to cut down the sound as much as possible on a very low budget and organize my things to create a place to record videos for YouTube and anything else like that.

4. I want to draw more. My abstract drawing has decreased and I want to not only improve at that but I want to learn how to draw real things better too.

5. I want to learn the piano. I'm currently letting a friend borrow my keyboard but when I get it back, I want to take some of my free time to learn how to make music.

6. I want to take voice lessons. I am going to be transitioning and want to learn how to train my voice to sound more feminine and I also want to learn how to sing better.

7. I want to transition. That's a big one that is seemingly inevitable right now but not completely out of the question that I could decide not to go through with. If I decide not to for whatever reason, this will turn into doing what it takes to be happy, overall the decision to transition to as feminine as I am physically able (because I get 'you can't truly become a woman no matter what you do' and I thoroughly understand that)

8. I want to build something, or better; take something old and make something else out of it. I'm a huge fan of thrift shops for that reason.

9. Going along with #3, I want o make YouTube videos regularly. Certain things have slowed my video making down to a crawl and I am working to fix those issues currently.

10. And finally, I want to write and shoot a short film. I have multiple ideas for short films and my goal is to finish scripting them and eventually shoot at least one with a bonus plan of hosting another film showing somewhere.
*If anyone reading this is a writer and would be interested in assisting this goal, I am in need of other minds so please feel free to send an email to vjtwentytwo@yahoo.com. Thanks.

Relax? What's that?

     So you asked me about relaxation? Since you insist, I'll tell you what I do to relax. Actually I'll take a picture of my list of ways I relax.

Sounds about right Yeah, being refreshed or relaxing doesn't exist to me really. When I was a kid, I used to escape into hockey to get away from my immediate abusive and scary life. Hockey, while intense and mostly non relaxing, was a ton better than watching your family slowly kill themselves and realizing that your life is awful in just about every way. So for years, watching the Flyers, Avalanche, Ducks or any other team that wasn't Pittsburgh was my main source of relaxing.

     The only problem is...as I'm sure you said to yourself...that is NOT a form of relaxation. 

An escape? Yeah, definitely. 

A form of letting out rage or frustration? Of course. Who doesn't feel better after hitting a ball or puck as hard as they can for a few hours and beating up on anyone opposing you? Right, no one.

BUT...every aspect of my life outside of that was stressful to the highest degree and I had absolutely no way of ever feeling that refreshed life feeling. And not only did I have no 'relax' in my life but I was lying to myself about it. I convinced myself that I was okay for a long time and that stress wasn't too much for me. That was one of many lies I told myself as a kid that were slowly hurting me from the inside out. 

     So looking now at my life and I still have no way to relax, no way to calm down. Once in a while I look on eBay for some pill that fills all my relaxation needs or some DIY mixture of relaxation

1 cup Honey

1 1/4 cup vinegar

1/2 cup stress free gluten free peanut butter

2 cups water

Mix till stress dissolves and rub on eyeballs twice a day for 14 days.

I'm sure anyone reading this is shocked to find out two things: 1. that the mix I just posted is NOT good for the eyeballs and 2. nothing on eBay or any DIY site remedies stress, at least not the way I'm trying to look for. 

     I'd love to finish this with some way I've found to make things better but that's where it ends currently. I take days when I have no obligations and do absolutely nothing or very very little but that only pauses my stress levels, doesn't actually relieve any of it. 

To be continued... 

A Letter to a 'Man' Who Will Never Be Forgotten *warning, some language*

          Dear Dave,

   You might remember me, you donated sperm that helped me to be born at one point. You might remember me, you showed me how NOT to treat women. You might remember me, you taught me every single thing about what dads do that you never did. You might remember me, I was the one you rejected multiple times even as a small child and sometimes directly to me. You might remember me, I was the one that you deemed not good enough because of things like money isn't the most important thing to me and I wasn't driven to "succeed" the way you think is success.

   I remember being a kid, caring about you, thinking good things about you and actually wanting to see you...but...I also remember over-hearing you tell someone you never wanted me, I also remember you walking away even after I forgave you and opened myself up and made myself vulnerable for you. I also remember sitting in your car, after seeing your thousands of dollars in brand new work out equipment and hearing you tell me how poor you are and how you couldn't possibly help me not be homeless. I also remember learning that you beat your ex-wife and I remember seeing the path of devastation in the wake of some of the people you used and hurt and left without caring for even a second. I even chose to ignore all those things for a time, I knew what you said but I tried so hard to think, "I can make it different if I just forgive him and I'll be the one to let this go and move on from here."

   I used to want to forgive you even after what you put me through as a kid. You left me behind so many times and I gave you one last chance, one time where I tried to heal our broken relationship and salvage at least some kind of connection and you took that and you threw it away. You figuratively spit in my face as I made myself vulnerable to you then you told me "Fuck your shitty worthless garbage self" before burning the little bit of care I had for you. And I just stood there and took it, I felt it whether I wanted to or not. I tried to not feel it, I tried to put up a shield around myself against you and block any stupid thing you said or did to me. Mainly because I knew you would hurt me and I knew you didn't care about me and secondly because I refused to let people in my world but you broke through that...scratch that, I let you in for a second and you made me regret that hardcore.

   For years I thought about what I wanted to say to you if I ever saw you again, I wanted to curse you out or tell you all the things that are messed up in me irreversibly solely and completely because of YOU. I wanted to hurt you, to watch you bleed and be in pain. I wanted to do some of the most vicious  things I could imagine to you and even to those around you just to see if that would hurt you. I wanted to kill your pet and leave the body on your doorstep, I wanted to spray paint things on your house and make you have to pay to clean it (since I know money is the only thing you care about), I wanted to kill you. I wanted to become an actual murderer because of you.

   The fact is I am glad I never did any of that, all of who I am (absolutely no thanks to you in any way) is against hatred, violence and hurting people. It's taken me many many years to say this: Even you. I work a regular job and on a daily basis, I try to help people who are poor or angry or sad and I make very little money because people are important to me, making someone's life better in some small way is a world better than being what you consider successful. And doing any of the things I imagined doing to you would make me something I'm not and of all the people that deserve to change me or cause me to be different, you get none of that.

   I will never do anything to harm you or even wish physical harm to you. I may even pray for you in time but I do hope you think about what you have done to so many people, I hope you close your eyes and see my face and the other people you helped give life to and I hope somewhere in your black cold heart, you feel it.

    I still hate you, I still have times when rage takes over when I think about what you have done to me, despite being in my life so little and how much you've ruined my life...It's actually a little impressive how much damage you caused. There are things I will most likely never be fixed in my because you were the worst scum you or anyone could possibly be to me. And that is something I'll never be able to forget, no matter how hard I try.

                                             Sincerely,
                                                     me

Have a Destiny or Go Home

     Do I know me? You'd think I would, right? Well a few years ago, I really thought I knew everything about me: my future, my plans, what I wanted and who I'd be around and what I'd be doing.

The funny thing about all that is if you go back a few years before that, I thought I had all those answers and they were all completely different. In fact, every few years going backwards I had a totally different set of answers I was sure about.
Going fart far back, I remember meeting a girl named Tiffany who I thought was my destiny. I was going to be a marine biologist and I was gonna live in Hawaii. Basically I was gonna be Adam Sandler from 50 first Dates, and this was when I was in 1st and 2nd grade (about the 1988-89 range) so I wasn't just copying from the 2004 romantic comedy.




     Then a few years later, I learned that I love Halloween makeup and horror movies and I was 100% sure that I was going to be the next great FX artist/makeup artist for Wes Craven. I did Halloween makeup for people a lot as a kid and started getting good enough at bruises to think I could have been famous...remember this was the mind of a 9 or 10 year old. Freddy Krueger never terrorized my nightmares but he sure made me want to create things that came from my crazy mind.

     Skip ahead a few years from then and I "knew" the girl I was gonna marry, "knew" my best friend Kevin and I would never stop hanging out, "knew" that I was gonna work for some kind of charity and make a great living at it and was going to live in Collingswood for the rest of my life. I had no doubt that I was right about my plan but it didn't even take a year for some of that to change. I became friends with a kid around the corner and we were inseparable for a while. Justin's family even

 kinda accepted me as one of their own for a little while. There was no way he and I were not going to be best friends for life (this was before acronyms...so yeah)

     Around 16, I wanted to run away and create a completely new life far from anyone I knew. I also wanted to have a sex change and live as a lesbian. At that time, it was mostly a fantasy because I thought I was as wrong as I could be to want the things I wanted. I hated myself and kept treating myself worse and worse. That may have been when I started mentally beating myself up, before that I was so focused on ignoring that part of myself that it didn't occur to me to hate myself. So I treated that like it was nothing more than a sexual desire and I "knew" that I couldn't ever tell anyone I secretly wanted to be known as feminine and pretty instead of manly and handsome. I "knew" that my life was going to be a lie and that I'd never be able to truly share my real self with anyone. More 100% truth that I would have fought with all my might if anyone questioned me. 

     Jump a bunch of years later and I was going to be a preacher and a photographer on the side. I "knew" I was going to marry a preacher's daughter and we had serious plans that couldn't possibly be broken. It was our destiny that we get married. We were half right, and that's the only thing that links us as a 'we'. She's married...to some guy somewhere.

          You see where this s going so I'll skip ahead to my current life. 

* On one hand, I believe that destiny is imaginary, I believe that all my plans fall through and I am finally being honest with people in my life about me. 

* On the other hand, I have trouble believing God cares about me. I used to think I was Ted Mosby...I was very wrong, I'm much more Toby Flenderson than I am Ted Mosby. I used to think I was going to find a career but now I struggle to keep a job, and not even in a 'I have some ailment that keeps me from doing the required work' kinda way,I'm talking about an "I can do it, I have the physical ability to do the work but my passion for doing anything is at an all time low' kinda thing. And I am currently a few weeks away from starting my transition, which is one of the only things I'm happy about in my life. 

     So to sum all the many words up, I believe in a lot less than I did before. But I'm still here, I'm still trying to try. And I still have a teeny tiny itty bitty hope that things can somehow end well for me.

That

is

all

The Power of Invisibility

     So I have a confession, I probably shouldn't share this. Once the secret is out, "Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell." (who doesn't love an 80's movie reference?!) So back to my confessing of a secret superpower that I have. 

Bet you didn't know you knew someone with an actual superpower, didja? Well, I have the power of invisibility. That's right, friends, invisibility is real and I have the ability. 

I have the ability to be standing and talking to someone and here's how it goes: one moment, I'm standing there talking to a person and the next second I'm gone and someone else starts talking to the person I was talking to. It's uncanny! 

Another use for this power: I could walk through a room full of people and not be seen by anyone, kinda like a ghost floating through the room. I've walked between people having a conversation and they didn't even know I was there at all.

          Ok so for the deeper meaning here:

When I was a kid, I used to have a confidence problem. I know you're sayin to yourself, "You? Really?? Nah. Not you." Yeah, once upon a time, this specimen of confidence had issues with that. One reason was there were countless times I was talking to someone, having a full conversation and someone else would walk right in front of me and just start talking to the person I was talking to as if I wasn't there. I was outraged but was so nervous about making a scene that I would just stand there for a few seconds then sneak away, trying to avoid having to confront the rude person who cut me off.

That happened way more than I would like to admit and over time I started thinking it was my fault, like I was talking too much or being too wordy. I know I have a tendency to use many words to express a small thought sat times, which I truly thought was considered rude or something like that. So when I snuck away from those situations, I would feel guilty and in need of repentance. And if the person I was talking to would ask me to finish what I was saying, I'd make an excuse why I had to step away. One excuse was saying I forgot what I was saying, which is crazy ironic because after being diagnosed with at least one major concussion in ly life, I now really do forget regularly.

     And I have done the 'walking through a room without being noticed' thing a lot too. I've had a ton of times throughout my time where I've been asked where I've been and my answer was, "I walked right past you. Like 20 minutes ago...I even waved to you." and they would shrug or argue that I was wrong. Silly me, thinking I would know where I was.

     So this has led me to become very sensitive about being ignored in my teen years, I started doing things like getting crazy haircuts or wearing clothes that were beyond silly just so people would not be able to ignore me. Oh, I guess that would be my second superpower: Passive Aggressiveness! (cue the superpower theme music)

I've lashed out at times at people who accidentally interrupt me or had some rushed reason to interject over the last few years, usually realizing after words escaped me just how irrationally I responded. Which made me react the same way, sneaking off and trying to humble myself and try to stop humiliating myself any more than I already had.

     So here I am, in my 30's. You'd think I would have learned from this revelation. You'd be wrong though, I still have times where I jump at friends who aren't...what's the word? Oh right, friends who aren't perfect. They are human and sometimes do things like speak while I'm speaking or don't realize I'm having a conversation and begin talking and I act as if they just shoved me with intent to bully me. So I guess overall, this is my public and sincere apology to anyone I've treated like an enemy in the last bunch of years.

It's also my acknowledging that I do this and don't like it. I try very hard to realize that about 90% of the time, it's not intentional and I need to treat the situation in the moment instead of reacting to the sum of every interaction that went similar over the 3 decades I've been on this earth.

I'm trying to learn from my mistakes, grow form those situations where I didn't do something I should have and understand myself better. And you know what Homer Simpson says about trying...right?

Words to live by...have a wonderful day.

Deconstructing Vincent Joseph

     I've been a Christian since 2001 June 27th to be exact) and since then I've tried to surround myself with people who I want to be like and keep away from all that I shouldn't have in my life...well I've tried and tried and tried.

     My friends and the people I associate with has been very important because of the bad apple theory, one bad apple can ruin all the good ones around it, and I've carried that in my social media life and I've tried to be both a "good apple" to those who need to see one around me and in the barrel with good apples. 

     The good things about that theory have been evident: I have successfully learned what being a drunk or a drug addict is before falling for any of that, my social media life has been respectful and always at a higher standard, I've at times learned how to keep up with certain things that I couldn't learn with people who are even at my level and I accepted God in my life at a time when  I could have accepted any amount of terrible things. All that was because I got rid of toxic people and influences from my life and tried my best to stick by the people and things that were better than...well, me.

     Then there is the part that is a big ol' pile of...confusion.  There's the paradox that this creates. So being around people who are better than me has had enormous positive side effects on me BUT at a point that started becoming toxic too in a way. I'm not successful, I haven't ever, in my entire life, even known how to try to be successful yet most of my friends have been born and bred to be a success story, they are all inspirationally great in at least a few ways. 

So I become the bad apple to them, which is evident to them when things come up like we go out to eat or they invite me somewhere that requires ID and I do my normal thing and lose mine while they are outside waiting, leaving me to have to walk out and sadly tell them to go without me because I lost the one thing I need at the moment. Situations like that come up on the regular with me and it's not that I don't get to do things necessarily or that I have to do more to keep up with anyone else; it's the part where I have to walk the long lonely walk to go and tell them that I can't go. That walk becomes harder each and every time I have to walk it. 

     So i walk that walk and the part about me is sad and my friends go on...and I go back somewhere alone...feeling like a full failure. And nothing else. It washes over me, it replays over and over, often I create how much I think they're better off without me. They're having more fun because they're good people and they got rid of the bad apple...so I must be the bad apple, right? Right?! And it only gets worse from there. Now this exact situation only happened once but similar things have occurred many times where I had to back out in order for everyone to have a better time or to actually enjoy themselves. 

     And since I have a literal mind that refuses to change that way of thinking, I look at the math of life: if I am the one that they have to wait for, and I am the one that friends have to pay for and I'm the one that usually doesn't understand things common to them and I am CONSTANTLY the one who doesn't have ANYTHING that they all have (families, lives, the importance of others) I do that math and the answer is I'm the problem. 

     So if I'm the problem, then I should take myself out of their equation to make their lives better and I sit alone and beat myself up over and over and over...and over and over. And it was just pointed out to me that when my friends come to spend time with me or try to cheer me up, while they've been in the real world and have been just doing what they do, I have been mentally destroying myself for so long that I don't even think of myself as human anymore.

So they are like, "Hey, haven't seen you i a while. You okay?" all cheerful and calm. And my response looks like I've been in a Taken movie standing opposite Liam Neeson's character. From my point of view, I'm coming out of a terrorizing situation and trying to calm down (slowly because I have trouble changing moods even when it's proven to me that I should) but to the friend, nothing is actually wrong and I bring them down in my slow reaction to their positivity. That in turn makes them not want to be around me or not really be able to handle my intense sadness/negativity...and when they leave or step back, I repeat the mental beating with more vigor than before. 

     This has grown from a small issue that I can let go of to a painful bitter ball in the pit of my stomach to this intense evil hatred that lives inside me. I know I need to change this, I know I need to accept that things are not the way I see them usually and I know that some of the damage that I saw and currently see as irreversibly broken are i fact possible to be repaired...somehow. Somehow...somehow...somehow; that words seems so far away and almost a fantasy of a dream. Someday (another far away word) I hope to understand how to use this deconstruction to fix some of this stuff.

     My goal with this and with my videos on YouTube and with my art and my prayers and my bible reading and my future therapy and my transitioning and everything else i try to do is all to find a way to be okay. I thank anyone who reads this and I hope it encourages you in any way at all. Let me know if it does, I could truly use that if it's true.