Too much: The Full Truth

     I don't know how to deal with everything and the more that happens, the more I shut down. Stress adds up, pushes me down and the more I shut down, the more stressful things keep adding on to my already not good life.

 
          So I want to look into why I think this:

   I was born into a terrible "family", one that at times tried overall to be good people, one that was filled with a bunch of people who weren't ready for all that they got into and it resulted in two dying mainly because of alcoholism, one committing suicide and another not far from that among other various horrible situations.

   I was never allowed to be myself and never able to grow up at the same rate as kids are supposed to and I definitely didn't get or feel the love that ids are supposed to get and feel. My biological father was (to explain in the nicest term I'm able to muster) scum...in every way. My mother tried but was overwhelmed by a lot and I saw that throughout my life near her.

   As a child, I was always alone and always felt left out, even when I was a kid and visited my childhood best friend, I remember going to his house and watching him play with his new best friend and walk away from me because there was no more place for me. A girl that I went through a few years with meant the world to me and I found out later that I barely meant anything to her other than she knew me way back when we were kids. I always wanted someone (friend or romantically) to bond with me, so badly that I created that with people who didn't create it with me. I looked for pretty much any kind of bond everywhere. And each time I found out it wasn't real, it hurt me a little more and I became a little less able to trust.

   I was forced to live with a man who hated me and while he used his money on me in his life, he made it clear that I was never anything to him, especially the day he told me he was doing drugs. So there came a time when he and mom were moving, she came to me and asked what I was expecting to do and I told her I'm not living with him anymore, that wasn't happening. Then she asked if I was going to live with my "dad" (he never was and never will be my dad, he was nothing more than a sperm donor, just to be clear) and I told her there's no way I'm going to live with him.

   That left me out again, and my Uncle stepped in and took me in his home without even thinking about his situation (at least not that I know of, he may have weighed what it would mean to his life but in the end, he took me in and gave me his room instantly) While that was a great option for me at the moment and it made me feel kinda happy for a time, there were new problems that I faced.

   I had no curfew, no restrictions, no one wondering or caring where I was and I lived with a drug addict and a constant drunk. The police were at that house more than I was, screaming became the family motto and I closed myself off more and more. I rarely slept more than 3-54 hours a night, my grandmother (the constant drunk) liked to drink and bang on my door at 3 am when I had to be at school i the morning, which made me a happy camper. I can name more than 10 occasions that I had to dodge someone swinging something at me (on purpose or by accident) an I even had to go to court twice because I had to call the police on one of them (My grandmother once and my uncle George once). Not exactly and ideal situation for a kid who needed love and care more than most already.

   Now, add in to that mix my gender dysphoria, as a very small child I wanted to be a girl and that was on my mind at all times, even the times I was having fun or busy. At around 12 or 13, I started to discover my sexual side and the only thing that excited me was thinking about being forced to be a girl. For a few years I thought it was a sexual thing until I was about 16, then I realized I wanted to and felt like a girl overall. I wanted to run away and have a sex change and start a new life. That never went away.

   Now let's add in how I feel about God. This is not easy to say and I don't want to discourage anyone else from obeying or caring about God, you're not me so He cares about you.

This is how I feel:

              God has never cared for me, I snuck into His group of believers and He was forced (so to speak) to accept me...sort of. People say that God never leaves His people, never forsakes them, right? Well, I was saved on June 27th 2001. I accepted and put my faith in God's word and really thought I was safe from a lot of the emotional things that crippled me through my life. People say He would not put people in situations they can't handle and that He always gives His people what they need. Both of these are hard for me to believe, about me only, because I can think of a few times when I truly needed something and was just emptied out of any trust when I not only didn't get those things but I was embarrassed and hurt even more after I didn't get whatever it was I needed.
   Yeah, I did get some things that I wanted or needed at times but when it came to my faith or those moments where I could have totally seen something that put my faith on a solid rock...I was humiliated and emotionally destroyed. There were times where all it took was some little thing, not like a girl to like me or to get a house and a car given to me, just some little things that would have made me actually feel the love that I had heard about and seen in friends' lives. Those times were the ones that broke my faith in a way that may not be able to be fixed.

   And then there's my societal problems, I have been trying to keep up with society, with my friends and with my own expectations for as long as I can remember. I never had the chance to grow up and learn things from parents who cared and took the time to teach me things so I'm behind society because of that and whenever I get a chance to get ahead, I find that any choice that I make is the wrong one. I just always make the wrong choice, it's not even like "should I steal or buy something?" it's like, "Should I go to work when someone else calls out?" If I take the shift, I get there and everything goes wrong from me not being able to do something to I get hurt or make clumsy mistakes and cause more trouble for bosses than it was worth having me come in. And if I don;t come in, I miss out on a little bit more money and I end up not doing things I plan on doing for whatever reason.    Recently...within the last 5 years, I've gained anxiety that has been stopping me from doing so much. I have anxiety over crowds of people, even friends, which makes me NEED to leave whenever I find myself trying to tackle that and I end up stuck somewhere far from my place or I find myself being made gun of by the whole group I'm with. I can't seem to make a phone call without a long time psyching myself up for longer than I should take.

   And the final thing that has deeply affected me over the last 10 years is concussions. I have a lot of trouble remembering things and speaking and getting migraines. These things have been overtaking my life since about 1999, when I got my first concussion and I've gotten a few more since then. Three of them were bad enough to leave me unable to do things on my own. Once I went to the hospital and the other two times, I had to stay at a friend's house for the night. All three left me with memory issues, in fact I remember things that I know for a fact didn't happen.
   Once in a while, I have issues that resemble dyslexia where I can't speak the words I want to and I forget words that are common. An example would be: If I'm trying to tell someone that I want to go to the bathroom, I'd forget the words bathroom and the sentence would become difficult to put on the right order. SO I'd say,

 and in the moment, I have no idea how to make that sound sane to whoever I'm speaking to. Most bosses or people in any kind of authority don't even care what's going on, they think I'm mentally handicapped or stupid. And when I'm busy at a job or speaking to a customer, this causes major problems. It's more than just an annoyance too, it hurts and I have lost jobs because of this in the past.

     Looking at all of this, I can't see a way I can live a life that is any more than existing. I often think about ending things and these are all prevalent in that thought. It just makes me think, What do you do when you need to run full speed and you just don't have anything in the tank? What do you do when you need to drive as fast as you can and all you have is a skateboard and you're missing a shoe? What do you do when you need $30,000 and you have less than a dollar when you get your next check? I don't have faith that anything is going to get any better, I don't have the strength to make jokes and pretend things will get better...I don't have even that much fear or sadness at the thought of my journey ending sometime soon.

     I'm scared that I'm numb and less scared...

Developing philosophies

Philosophies. We all develop different ideas in life as wee grow and learn things and understand more.

     I have been telling people for years now that the attitude a lot of people take is very immature:

   This attitude is not only immature but it's very self centered, the people in your life are affected by your decisions and not everyone has to agree with your commitments or choices. That isn't me saying only make choices based on how it will affect other people's decisions but that is definitely something to think about and weigh in your decision making.

     I am currently considering a choice that most friends don't or won't agree with and some people may decide they can't go against their beliefs and support me, this is not them being bad friends or not real friends. That is them being true to themselves just as I am doing things that I have to do to be true to myself, I cannot fault them for that and I disagree whole heartedly when others insult these kinds of people.

   Another philosophy I have is that money is not nearly as important as people and friends and experiences. My uncle taught me that before he passed away. He said money comes and goes, sometimes you have it and sometimes you don't. And I know there have been times where I have taken this a little too close to heart and sacrificed money when I should have worked a little harder and earned a little more money but I sincerely believe in this ideology.

     The last philosophy I want to talk about is this:

     It will always benefit someone to hear a truth they don't want to hear rather than let them believe a lie that's easier to take. You can learn from truth, you can grow from hearing something you absolutely don't want to hear. You cannot learn, grow or become better from hearing lies just because you want to hear them.

     I live by these statements and I'm gad I've learned these from the people who taught them to me.

Where do I go from here??

     So here I am. I Seemingly made up of molecules, awkwardness and contradiction. I was saved in 2001, I accepted Jesus in my heart and still fully believe that I cannot save myself. I accepted and still accept that Jesus is the only way to go to heaven. And at the same time, I have such giant conflicts in my head, things that may never change.

     Now before you say something about being born this way or that I should just not listen to anyone else's opinion, believe me I have thought about all of this. And I am not gonna say I'm perfect at this but I try to do my own things when I know they're the right things to do or when it's something I enjoy or want to do. BUT...my opinions on those two arguments are well thought out and I've played out maybe every single conversation about them possible:
     1. I do believe I was born this way just the same as some people were born gay or straight...and before any Christian friends get upset, I want to clarify that being "born that way" does not mean what you think it means. A person can be born with a a specific desire (such as my desire to eat a million Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)

     We can also be born with an innate desire to hurt people or to commit certain sins or to not like summertime. Being "born that way" is treated like some superpower by non Christians and they try to use that phrase to excuse their actions or their unwillingness to stop themselves from indulging in whatever they want. That's not always a good thing.

     And for the argument that we should not listen to anyone else and do what we want, that notion can be good at times (like when we're scared to speak up at a time that we need to) but it can also be a very selfish and immature philosophy. If you're Tom Hanks and you live completely alone on an island then you should not worry about anyone else...

...but since that's almost totally not true about anyone reading this, you probably have some friends or family that deserve to at least know what's going on in your life. If you have any relationship that yu value, thy deserve to hear something that will affect their life. And you may not want to admit it but your life changing decision WILL affect their life.

     Now I understand some people have a lot of hatred and have to fight through that to stay alive or come to terms with their own lives, I'm not necessarily talking about those cases with those two rebuttals to those arguments.

     Alright so after all that is said, I am left trying to understand my feelings and the truth and my depression and suicidal thoughts and fears and an excitement that I want and a multitude of other emotions and thoughts but not quite as many answers. I am currently trying to pray and put my faith in God and trying to lean on my friends and trying to be strong enough to make decisions and stick to them when they're right. It's not always easy and I'm not expecting to get some magical easy button answer any time soon.

     I can say some things definitively: I know who I am and what I like and what I think. I know that I am transgender and I do not believe it's against church or God to go through with transitioning for non sexual reasons (I am not interested in being with men, in fact I am not interested in being in any relationships) and I know that whether this a mental disorder or a body dis morphia  or for whatever reason that I'm going through this, it is not going to go away. I've felt this disconnect since I was at least 4 years old and have been dealing with it all through my childhood, it's gotten stronger and more relevant throughout my adult life too.

     Well, that's where I am right now and that's what's on my mind currently. A lot of that sounds more negative than positive so I want to end this with the happy stuff:

     I have been painting my nails and learning about makeup and I LOVE IT! I love the ability to express myself and be creative with nail polish! I am also blown away by the support of my friends, even the ones that disagree with my decision so far have been amazingly helpful and delicate with me and sweet. I can't thank you all enough for loving me, it means the world to me.

Opening Up: The Deepest, Darkest Secret I've ever had.

     I've got a story for anyone reading this that might surprise you or scare you or disgust you...or maybe intrigue or bore you. I have no idea how you're going to take this but it's the realest form of me that there is and I'm going to share it. If you decide not to be my friend after reading this or you decide you can't handle this issue, I understand. I just ask that you be respectful in doing anything you choose to do.

     First let me say: I have not been honest with pretty much anyone on the unfiltered true version of me. I promise there was no intent to lie, even though honestly I lied to myself for a long time and even when I realized the truth about myself I still denied it and tried to fool myself by burying it deep down and ignoring it. It'll make more sense as this goes on, trust me.

     Let's start at the beginning: When I was very little, around 2 or 3 years old, I had a moment that I still remember to this day. It's actually my second oldest memory that I have. I remember being in my mom's room and finding a pair of her boots, they were fuzzy on the inside and were brown. I picked them up, knowing very very well that boys don't wear those kinds of things.

   But I also remember thinking about how I really wanted to wear them and feel like...well, not what I was. I remember knowing that I wasn't supposed to feel that way and think that way but I did. At 2 or 3 years old I was too afraid to tell anyone because I knew boys wear boy things and girls wear girl things. I was scared and pushed that thought down and didn't do anything about it.

     Over the next few years, I had many random moments when I saw girls doing things that I remember clearly wishing I could take part in but I had to play with toys that I was supposed to play with. For the record, I always hated GI Joe, transformers and tools. Yet I said nothing and got toys like that. There were toys I did play with and have fun, it wasn't like torture all the time. I played with Thundercats and He-man toys, which were both my favorites for a while, but for the most part I wanted to play with...other things.

     So for my younger years (between about ages 6 - 12) I tried constantly to have fun with things like GI Joe toys and cartoons. The whole time I was so embarrassed to be honest with parents or friends because I knew it was a shameful thing to want to play with dolls and fashion and the things that girls played with. Makeup was a huge fascination for me, second to things that accentuated feminine features.

   This brings me to 13 years old, and to be as delicate as I can about this stage as I can, I started to understand the physical side of life. My imagination has always been very vivid and I'm sure you can guess what any 13 year old boy has n his mind at 13 so...fantasies were rampant with me.

   My earliest fantasies were very specific and they centered around a beautiful woman forcing me to ac as a girl. I actually saw a board game cover once with a rich looking woman on it and for so long she was the center of my fantasies, she'd kidnap me and force me to wear makeup and big frilly dresses and drug me so I wouldn't do anything or try to get away. In this fantasy, over time I would have to accept my new life and would eventually forget that I wasn't that rich woman's daughter or whatever. Dirty, right? There was actually a time when my mind was innocent and pure.

   I only tell that because I want to describe how my mind took in everything. At first I just hated playing with toys I didn't truly want, then my imagination created a force scenario so I could justify changing genders without me having to actually do it myself. My fantasies did turn more adult in the next few years but there's no need to get into that here, the only part that needs to be added here is the progression: my fantasies turned sexual but always revolved around me being forced or seduced into being feminized. And the more I buried the truth of wanting to be female, the more it became depraved and dark.

   Around my 19th year, I got into church. And things seemed to be getting better...for a while. I met good men who were good fathers and I started to see what good families look like, I even snuck into a house surrounded by a great family. But...there's always a but, there was still this other side of me that I was burying deep.

   Depression sprinkled itself throughout my whole life, I remember being about 7 or 8 and trying to climb out a window to jump while my biological parents fought downstairs and I remember when I was living at someone's house and considering taking a bunch of pills just to stop the hurt. Obviously I did not go through with either but those kinds of feelings took over at times and depression was and is always with me.

   Alright so I ended up going to a bible college, suppressing this part of me the whole time. After that I bounced around a lot and couldn't even think about anything, let alone think about what I am or feel like I am. It was't for another 12 years before I even thought about my gender and what's going on in my head. All I knew was I distanced myself from everyone and I was less and less okay with anything.

   A few years ago, I started asking questions but ONLY asking anonymous people. I went on websites where my identity could not possibly be traced and asked people who transitioned what they went through, most of them only gave half decent advice that I still see as immature. Their advice usually consisted of: be you and do whatever you want and if anyone disagrees with you or doesn't want you to do absolutely anything you want then f**k 'em. And in my opinion, only immature people ignore everyone in their lives just to do what they want. Everything I do affects the people closest to me and treating those people with such disrespect is taking their entire friendship for granted, like they owe me something. Not cool.

   Even though the majority said basically the same thing, I did glean a few bits of understanding from all of that and began to know a little more about myself. I even found a transgender youtuber that I was/am a big fan of who is political, smart and understands that she is biologically a male and always will be but she does her best to feel comfortable with that knowledge. 

   I started telling my close friends about me and since then I've been exploring every avenue of transgendered people. Watching documentaries, reading journals from doctors and psychologists and Christians and atheists and as many medical reports and articles as I could find. And after all that, I learned about a place near me that deals with Trans people and I made an appointment there. It took me months to even get that and it's not for a few months from the moment I'm writing this right now (Monday July 24th 2017) so I'm waiting to go and start my transition.

   So this is the real me: Layla Lee Gilmore.