The Suicide Journal: Drive vs. Depression

     It's Wednesday July 29th at 3:21 am and I'm torn between hope and despair. What's new, right? Well the answer to that is...nothing. I'll start with the negative to get it out of the way then go with the positive.

     The negative is that lately things seem to be collapsing on me, and the worse part is it seems to be happening in slow, motion. My life monetarily reminds me of Mario Bros, the moment you jump off an edge and realize immediately that you're not going to make it to the other side. At the moment you're alive but you know you're going to die in a few moments and no matter what you do it's not going to fix things.

My job has gone from something I really enjoy (as much as one can enjoy a job) to something that drives me bonkers in the worst way. I'm a cashier who is reliant on customers to want to pay for upgrades to memberships, if they do not and I don't sell many then I get in trouble. I don't have the heart to sell it to people who wouldn't benefit from it, I'm clearly not a salesman at heart. My only desire is to help people and for a while that translated into enough sales to keep my bosses happy but recently it just hasn't so...unhappy bosses equals unhappy employee.

     And depression has been growing stronger recently too. In some ways I've become more introverted than I have been in years. I've worked very hard to get away from introverticity (all rights reserved, new word) and to have that deep painful feeling that makes me unable physically to speak to certain people or at certain times is just plain annoying. I feel like there's a piece of metal sewn to my lips when I want to talk to certain bosses or any time I have to interrupt anyone. Ohhh THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I wish I could just break through that permanently, anyone else feel that way? For a long time I thought I was the only person on the planet to get that feeling.
     My non existent life is getting to me more and more too. It's like if I had something to look forward to then things like my job or my unluck at stupid games or whatever would not be nearly as painfully maddening to me. I don't mean looking forward to things like...a day trip or something like that anymore, I need something bigger and important to me to look forward to. I feel like ten years ago day trips to NYC or Philly would have been enough to keep my heart going but now? Now I just plain need more.

     Want a great example of my need for something to look forward to in a way? Ok, take any day off and give me no plans: I get up whenever and maybe lay in bed for a few hours reading and rereading my friends' facebook status' over and over then eventually I may get up and play a video game or eat a snack and then maybe I'll go out if someone texts me and basically begs me to do something. Now take that same day and give me something to make me feel important, babysitting or someone wants my help with something: I get up early, eat, get a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, ride my bike to wherever I need to go and do what it takes to get the job done. But alas...I'm usually doing the first option here.

     Ok now that the negative thoughts are out of the way, I'll get to the positive. I've always had one thing that has kept me going, one thing that has been such a strong passionate desire that it has been easily twice as strong as any depression in me: the desire to find "the one". A while ago I started kinda losing that, which made the depression quite a bit stronger. Last night I got a weird feeling that I haven't had in a long time, I thought hard about the "girl of my dreams"

     I'm in love with this girl, she's the most beautiful natural red head who has a very creative artistic side, who's quirky, who is not pushy or too aggressive but is in no way a push over either, she's got walls built up emotionally that hides her overzealous romantic side that not many (if any) have seen, she can do pretty much anything and have a good time, at times she can be the most optimistic person alive and at times needs me to be that for her, she's broken in some ways and she's unbreakable in some ways and she's deep and gorgeous to me no matter what. As specific as that is, I have no idea who or where she is or if she even exists.
     That's the strongest driving force I've ever experienced and I'm torn between how much I love her before even knowing her and the thought that she doesn't exist and I'm worthless without her.

     This is another late night rant that hopefully helps the positive in me to outweigh the negative.

The Suicide Journal 1: Selfishness

     Suicide, the nastiest of words when depression is mentioned. It's the end of the line for "calls for help" and people lately have been more talking about it.

     I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts and pressure for as long as I can remember, I'm going to outline and share some of my life leading up to this moment. At a very young age, I can remember realizing that it was possible to opt to end life rather than continue suffering. At about 8 years old I remember one day when I was sent to my biological father's room while my mother and he argued. Now at the time all I thought about was that I could watch the movie that I was told I wasn't allowed to watch, THEM.

I started being sneaky and enjoying my movie when I heard yelling, it was normal at first as I've heard parents fighting many times. I remember turning the tv up in disgust and eventually started doing the opposite and listening to the fight, like the stereotypical little kid sitting at the top of the stairs paying full attention to his parents fight

     I was entertained in a morbid way for a while but it turned so negative when someone threw something or broke something. That scared me straight out of my seat and I ran back to his room. I remember being in there, panicking and pacing around the room, thinking what if one hurts the other or what if they leave me there alone or the police show up...etc.

In my fear and panic and anger, I started trying to think of a way out (at the time I had no idea what that meant, I wasn't thinking about dying exactly, I just didn't want to be there right at that moment) then I heard the yelling and breaking get louder and I looked at the window of my biological father's room and decided to jump out. I thought it would stop the fight or I'd get away from it; either way it was a way out of that moment.

     Looking back, I was deciding to die rather than finishing that night out. That was the first time death had become an option in my mind, subconsciously, and it still is one of the most prominent memories I have defining my childhood and my blood parents in my life. So there's my introduction to suicide before I even knew what it was or the actual impact it had on my psyche even now.

     Later in life, I had moved around many times and had to deal with finding out my biological father didn't want me and finding out he had other kids he had eliminated form his life and my mom had come to a point where she chose her boyfriend over me. I moved in with my Uncle and a new phase in my life begun, starting a whole wild and deeply scarring tragic section of my life.

     My teen years, my high school years and the beginning of my romantic life all SUCKED. I mean the worst things that could have happened did exactly that. High school was as bad as it could have been between being invisible to the people that mattered to me and being made fun of by the people who mattered to the people that mattered to me and the fact that I was painfully shy and introverted in most situations, I couldn't win for winning. Looking back at my Riverside High school time, I an't think of one minute I was happy to be there or even okay with myself in any way.

The only romances I experienced were: a girl I had a crush on for years and never got the courage to even tell her (which was the right choice, Kelly never would have been interested in me) and the girl I eventually dated, which was because she was the only girl that would date me. We were absolutely not right for each other and ended one night when she threatened to kill herself because of me, a lie to try to manipulate me. So...there's my high school years as a student and boy.

     Now as a family member through that same time it was a scary time to be human. My Uncle was barely around, which later showed me he was addicted to drugs. My grandmother was constantly drunk and abusive, which had been forced into the motherly role in her 60's and then the random other family members who came to stay at my Uncle's house when they had nowhere to go. And since it was easier to pretend they all didn't exist, I escaped into hockey and didn't do anything else.

     Skip ahead a few years later, I had just gotten into church and was trying again in life. It was a very late start but it was huge that I was actually trying. So I went tot a snow camp with my church, on the way back I experienced the most emotional  and sweet time I've ever known in my short time on earth. We get back and I helped my friends get their stuff from the bus and walked back to my house on cloud 9, I'm feeling like I can take on anything...and then...I found what I was asking for but was NOT ready for at all.

     To make this long story a little shorter, I found out my Uncle had attempted suicide while I was away. He survived that night although I didn't stay to find that out then, I found out the next morning and my great friends took me to the hospital to see him. But at the time I went from the highest I've ever been emotionally to the worst point I could imagine (and this is a life where I was at a few really low points so to say I went to the lowest means a lot)

     Skipping many years later, I have been dealing with suicidal desires for years and have since dealt with a second and ultimately successful attempt by my Uncle to end his life AND a close friend who committed suicide.

     Here's where the selfishness comes in: there is a part of me that has been wanting to get out of the life that I destroyed years ago and have been barely living. Ya know the saying, "you made your bed, now time to lie in it" well that's where I was and I thought seriously about just killing myself and ending the pain I have been taking over and over for years. I used the metaphor of a boxing match as my life for years and that was not worth continuing.

     In 2013 on my birthday it hit me that my Uncle was gone and I had no one that loved me (I'm not talking about friends,  have the best friends I could possibly have) and I had to celebrate my birthday, which I have NEVER had to celebrate without my Uncle. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted to go to sleep and just never stop dreaming and never have to get up and deal with the people in my life, and never deal with the negativity that seemed and seems inevitable and I didn't want to have to be an adult and do things with just no help mentally.

     There are other parts to my psychology suicidally but selfishness is definitely part of it all.

I'm still here though and that's pretty big...to be continued

Self Image

     I'm going to share my opinion of myself with no restrains. I'm not saying this to get any sympathy because I don't deserve any, but I need to get these thoughts out of my head or else...well truly or else nothing but it'll stay with me. And that's a very bad thing.

     I used to view myself as a metaphor, a boxing match.

Credit: Julie Snyder

I used to have a fight in me that was like an optimistic boxer, that never give up attitude even when taking blows or not having the upper hand. I saw my life as a grudge match that in the end would leave me scarred and brain damaged to the point of no return, but there would be some moral victory because I would have had something to show for it like a family or a career or some great legacy that I'd leave behind. So far, the 33 years I've been on planet Earth have not proven any of this to be true so...

     My self image changed over a few years. I decided somewhere along the lines that maybe the reason things never went well for me were that I was cursed, like maybe I had some good looking  and deep soul hidden under a rough scary exterior that freaked people out. That's where my self image changed into that of another cursed character: Angel.

Credit: Joss Whedon's Angel

     Angel was a character that got a spin off show from the Joss Whedon TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, his back story portrayed him as a good guy who was turned into this evil creature and someone he hurt as this evil creature caught him and put a curse on him that he'd basically be the good guy he truly is but be hurt knowing what he's done as a vampire. He stopped doing evil things, denying himself of the pleasure he craves, with one stipulation: if he experiences true happiness the curse will break and he'll become the evil creature he doesn't want to be.

     So I thought for a while I looked at myself like a great person who was cursed. I have social awkwardness that I cannot understand or explain fully, I have constant in-my-face abandonment issues that haunt me day and night, I have the inability to make the right decisions (when I decide to do something I find out I should not have and when I don't do something, I realize too late that I should have done said thing) and I've been hampered by a slew of childhood trauma that still cripples me today. 

All of these have made me somewhat hard to get close to and each thing makes me want to be close to people (mainly someone to love and be loved by) but the longer that doesn't happen, the worse each issue gets. Example: I have abandonment issues so I try to find someone to love and when I get rejected the abandonment feeling gets worse which makes it hard for me to try but the more I don't try, the worse it gets. The more I feel further from love, the further I am able to be to anyone and the abandonment issues become even worse. Oh and one of the keys to this philosophy is that the best way to love someone is to keep them away from me. Just like David Boreanaz's character.

     For a while I connected my problems with the idea that I am something worth love stuck under a curse...but...the problem with that mentality is it glorifies me in a way that I'm not. That gave me this thought that I deserve someone to love me because I am a good looking guy with good thoughts and a good personality, which I do not and I am not. I am not some saint that has no blame in his situation other than the repercussions that come from everything. 

I used that to take no responsibility and because of that, I lived a fake life. I only experienced things through tinted glasses that showed me what I wanted to see. 

The Office's Steve Carell

     For a while I thought that but time, rejection and failure clobbered a lot of that ideology in me. The thought that I was a good person, that I wasn't as ugly as I thought gave me a hope that someone would see through the curse and give me a real chance. They'd have to see through my mistakes and ugliness and emptiness and desperation and awkwardness...but that's only if there's something under that anymore. I feared bitterness had dissolved the positivity in me and life was/is absolutely not worth it because of that. 

     Suicide became a theme in my life for a while, other people's and my attempts. I figured if the only way to love people is to keep them away from myself than an even better way to love my friends is to take myself out of the equation. I didn't and don't want to end myself but if all I do is hurt others and all I do is ruin things for everyone and anyone else, than the greater good is more important, right?

      ...that makes sense, right? That is logical and I get to be a hero...in my mind. People would be hurt for a few days, maybe a few weeks then move on and I would have removed my future ruination of their lives. Makes sense....RIGHT??! (I know, it makes sense in an illogically logical way and not a smart mentality to follow)

     Through a near death and a promise I made, I came to the conclusion that I will not end myself. Little things got a tiny bit better and I thought maybe life would get better 

Little things started going in my favor in small ways and I started to unclench a little. I even started trying things new things more (including online dating and trying to talk to girls more) I EVEN started to have a self image better than the previous ones for a little bit. To make a long story a little less long, I met someone online and even considered that I might have had a chance at being happy with her...

     Then I ruined it...and the worst part is it wasn't because of some curse or some ugliness that I'm hidden under. It was because I am a monster. I'm an ugly, scarred, bitter, hurt, rude person. I let her see the real me (which everyone says 'be the real you') I hurt her with my self image, my inability to love or be loved, my abandonment issues and my so strong desire to be with her that I strangled her in a matter of a two hour text conversation. 

     So I sit here now...knowing that I am not cursed, cursed means there was something beautiful covered by ugliness...I am not cursed, I am just disgusting and...and...so, so alone. I'm not entirely sure what to do now, go live in a cave somewhere? Move away and just not get to know anyone so no one can be hurt by me? Try to fill my void by buying things and doing enviable things? And the momentary million dollar question: should I hurt Delilah (not her real name) at the moment by cutting her off in order to save her from me in the future? Do I love her the only way I know how and scare her away?

Investigating My Mind

   I have been dealing with a  very serious issue for many years now and have been I've been trying to come up with a 'how to' get through depression, suicidal thoughts and loneliness. If you've ever dealt with any of these issues, these soul sucking feelings, these torturers than you know none of them are as easy as they sound. I've had people say something along the lines of, "Just stop thinking  that way" or "Do what you have to do to work and keep busy" and to those people it is as simple as that...

   Good for them, right? For anyone who has dealt with depression, the option of "just stop thinking that way" doesn't exist. Oh sure, there are happy times and we may seem like we aren't even sad or going through anything. I can talk about lots of good times I've had and remember great memories as a kid, but the problem is that at some point a lot of those times there was a follow up moment where I felt empty or lonely or just hurt.

Those times can creep into your mind and affect your everyday life very easily, so what do ya do? What do you do when you're having a great day and everything is going good but something happens to make you think about whatever triggers you in the worst way?

   For me the biggest trigger has always been a few words and their meanings, the first one: FAMILY. Family has always stood for something I can't understand, I can't know...I can't have. And for a 6-13 year old that is a hard thought to swallow. I remember a night when I was in my biological father's room while my mother, who never married, came over to pick me up and they ended up yelling at each other.

I was watching the movie THEM about radioactive ants and kept trying to turn the volume up to shut out the fight under my feet; it got to the point where I was just so hurt and so unhappy that I wanted to open the window and jump out. Looking back, I would not have died that way but at the time it seemed far up enough to kill me and that's what I wanted to do.

I thought that if I wasn't around, if they didn't have me to fight about then they'd never see each other again and both would move on. I also just wanted my pain to end there, it wasn't completely selfless, I'm not trying to sound like a full martyr as a 7 year old. The windows were painted shut and my plan was thwarted and before I could come up with a new plan my father came upstairs and I went to bed (I remember laying in my bed that night with tears just rolling from my face till I fell asleep. I wasn't crying though, I was just hurting so bad) And this was just one of a slew of times that represent how I feel about the word "Family"

   Another word that sends me through a whirlwind of depression is the word "LOVE" That word has all the hope and excitement and enjoyment in the world wrapped up in those four powerful letters...if you have it. If you don't those four letters become nails in your social coffin, or in MY social coffin at least.

My whole life has revolved around love in some way or another and because it's something I've never truly had (outside of friendship, which I am blessed to have a lot of) Out of all my blood relatives, there has only been two people I've felt close to and the rest have been kept at a distance in every way. I can't even explain why I did that but I did it with everyone and as a result of the fear of love or the ignorance of it I held myself lower than everyone else, especially those who had love and family and were happy. Of course with all of that comes introvertism...which I don't think is a word so you heard it here first, and along with introvertism came loneliness.

   That brings me to my last trigger word, "Loneliness" It's not just the idea that there are not other humans around my space at a particular time, it goes beyond the physical and hits the toughest spot to defend: the emotions.

I remember a dream I had when I was young: I was at a spa with my step mother and my infant sister in a stroller, suddenly the lights all went out except one low hanging spotlight that swung above two pools. The vibrant blue lining of the pools that usually fascinated me became dark and scary and my step mother took a step near one of the pools and I saw a giant great white shark come up just enough to grab her and pull her into the now dark water. I ran to the stroller and grabbed it, hugging it to protect my little sister. I looked around and saw: the railings, water that was slowly calming down and I could only hear the splashing water. Outside if that was just pure darkness. I sat there and just felt so so destitute. Like there was no one coming to help me, a 6-7 year old and my infant sister. No protection, no safety and no relief from the fear.

This dream has come to define how I feel emotionally in life, even when people are around and even when things are going good. In the back of my mind that dream and the feelings I experienced in that dream are there wreaking havoc on my thoughts. I have had a number of times where I was forgotten or dropped by people very important to me that have led me to this feeling of almost a "me vs the word" mentality.

   These trigger words have helped create a world I haven't at times wanted to keep living in or through and the three things I mentioned (loneliness, depression and suicidal thoughts) all leech onto that worse than a crack addict to money. But that all leads me to the reason I began writing this open letter to you.

The last year of my life has taught me to think outside the proverbial box and try new things instead of just work on giving up. A thought that has been popping up for a long time is "How long do I have to live for others before I can die for me?" which is very hard to protest at times, but something did start creeping around in my mind.

If I'm willing to kill myself, if I'm willing to put the terrifying effort into taking my like why can't I just do stuff that's completely unheard of like just go outside and walk till I see something that stops me. Why not save just enough money and go somewhere new and leave everyone and everything behind and just go. Why am I willing to put a gun to my head but I haven't been willing to go try to get help from places that actually may be able to help.

   So lately I've been working very hard on learning new things, traveling and creating a new phrases to say when I'm down. The one that drives me best is "Don't just exist, but live." Because when I'm going through all these depression issues and all, I'm not living my life. I'm not enjoying what life has to offer, I'm merely existing and barely making it. One driving hope I have always had is I want to be that guy that is talking to people and says things like, "Oh yeah, when I was in Ireland..." or "I know a guy in Sweden who..." not to be the name dropper type but to truly be interesting to people I talk to.

   To kinda sum up and finish this rant, I have decided to take my own advice and travel to new places and experience what this planet has to offer. My first trip will be taking me to Ireland, where I'll meet people that New Jersey will never allow me to meet. I've decided to try new foods, play different sports and do things I would not have done before.

   Hopefully I'll have more to tell you about my new experiences in the near future, have a great day and remember "Don't just exist...live."